


The Reason My Heart Beats (I Can't Live Without You)

by brightasstars, PhoenixStar73



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Curses, Depression, Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen, Robert Lightwood Being an Asshole, Smut, Soulmates, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland, They say Nephilim only love once, learning one's history, misfortune, referencing s01e12 Malec, referencing s02e10 By the Light of Dawn, what happens when a heart gets broken
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:42:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 43,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22875733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightasstars/pseuds/brightasstars, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixStar73/pseuds/PhoenixStar73
Summary: They say nephilim only love once.Alec's decision to keep news about the soul sword from Magnus ends up costing him his relationship.  This triggers an ancient curse targeted toward Nephilim -- which is so rare that no one knew about, throwing the Institute into an upheaval.  Can they figure out how to stop this before they lose one of their own?Canon-divergent post2x18Updated Chapter 6
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 203
Kudos: 525





	1. The Weight of the World

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mrscooper1303](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrscooper1303/gifts).



> the prompt for this fic was suggested by Kirsty Cooper  
> with BrightAsStars and PhoenixStar73 as co-writers. This is our first project and we are thrilled to be bringing this to you!

Up until this point, Alec Lightwood was having a good day.

He had had an amazing breakfast with Magnus, had kissed him goodbye before he had gone to the Institute, had delivered his morning salutations to his Shadowhunters – it had felt so good addressing them, and he felt like he had done well up there – and he had felt reasonably confident that things were under control.

But, right now -- it was anything but _that._

Alec found himself stumbling blindly as he made his way down the hallways of the Institute in a daze. 

He needed to get away from his father, Robert Lightwood, as quickly as possible. Talking to him had been the worst decision he had made in a long time…

His head was hurting, and it seemed like there was sound like a loud whistle whispering past his ears. It was making him crazy. The words they had exchanged were running in circles in his mind. But he was getting dizzy and he needed to stop. 

And so he did. 

Stop. 

He bent over where he was, his head hanging down, mouth open, hands on his knees, just panting noisily – just like he used to, ages ago whenever he felt the start of a panic attack come on.

Man he had not had these in years…

The conversation between him and Robert came back to him again…

_"Why are you still lying to us? I heard you tell Max to keep s_ _ecrets about some fire messages," Alec stated._

_"Yes, but..." Robert had a strange expression on his face, and he looked down. Alec knew he had him where he wanted him._

_"Well, whatever it is, just keep Max out of it," Alec stated, a bit more firmly._

_Robert looked at him and sighed._

_"I sent those fire messages...to Imogen," he stated._

_Alec's eyes widened, a move not lost on his father._

_He continued, "To make sure you would remain the Head of the Institute."_

_"So you're protecting me because I'm a Lightwood," Alec stated._

_"No," Robert said adamantly. "It’s because I've always admired your courage, and your honesty. It's the stuff that great leaders are made from."_

_Alec looked at Robert, starting to feel confused. His father rarely complimented him. In fact it had always been the opposite…_

_His eyes narrowed as he stood his ground._

_"Why should I believe you?" Alec asked bluntly._

_Then another thought occurred to him. "What did you send to Imogen?"_

_Robert just stared at him. Then he sighed loudly._

_He started pacing around the room._

_He stopped in front of Alec. He looked directly into his son's face as he spoke the next few words._

_"The Clave," he stated, sounding like he was having difficulty getting the words out," is keeping a massive secret of their own. And I threatened to reveal it._

_\"I didn't tell you, because I did not want you to have to carry the burden of lying to the people that you love."_

_Alec felt conflicted, yet all he thought when he looked at Robert was, "Liar, liar, you cheated on Mom.” As if he could set any example for being honest..._

_"Dad," Alec stated. "Just tell me."_

_Robert looked at his son searchingly for a moment and then spoke again._

_"You cannot repeat this secret to anyone. Not even Magnus."_

_He couldn't tell Magnus? What?_

_"Promise me, Alec."_

_Alec suddenly regretted asking his father to tell him the secret._

_"I can't promise you that," Alec stated slowly. "You either trust me to be a leader or you don't."_

_Robert seemed to contemplate his next move, looking furtively around the room. Then he took a deep breath and faced Alec._

_In a low tone of voice, he stated, "The Clave lied about the soul sword. They never recovered it from Valentine's attack on the Institute."_

_Alec's eyes widened. What?_

_"They don't have it," Robert admitted. "They never did."_

_Alec attempted to sound calm, even as slight panic was starting to rage within him._

_"Then who does?"_

_"We don't know," Robert said. "Anyway, like I said, you can't tell Magnus." The steely look had come back into his eyes._

_"Besides," Robert added, a little more coldly, "Don't you think the dalliance with the Downworlder has gone far enough?"_

_"W-What?" Alec couldn't believe his ears. Hadn’t his father almost offered his support the day he had kissed Magnus?_

_Automatically he stepped back, as Robert's eyes grew cold._

_Suddenly Alec was mentally 13 years old again, and Robert was the ever unforgiving taskmaster who put Alec in his place, time and time again..._

_"I mean, do you both really think there's a future in what you two have? And, did you ever think that this could cost you the position as Head of the Institute? I mean, dallying with a Downworlder; nothing could seem much lower than that. We had higher expectations of our firstborn, Alec."_

_Don't be disappointed in me, sir, his mind screamed. I’m doing my best..._

_Alec's vision had already started blurring as thoughts from his childhood and tumultuous teenage years started flying through his head. He winced as they came forth, some_ _wounds felt as fresh as if they had happened yesterday...._

_“Excuse me,” he blurted out, as he walked stiffly past his father, and out of the room, not looking back..._

And here he was, in the hallway, gasping and trembling.

He hated himself for being this weak. 

For years, his sister Isabelle had told him not to take their parents’ words to heart, as it was going to eventually kill every ounce of who he was. He had watched Isabelle openly defy her parents. They pretty much cast her out, in the way that they could – and then he had watched as her ebullience and fire burst through as she started to live her life for herself. 

And it was glorious. He loved her, and he had been thrilled for her. 

But of course she could do that, she was the younger one. 

As the oldest child in the family, they had expectations for him. 

Many a time he had noticed her sad eyes on him, and she would constantly take him aside, whispering encouragement, telling him to follow his own heart, and to turn a deaf ear on his parents.

But…how could he? He was the oldest, and bound to rules.

Then there was Jace Wayland, now found out to be a Herondale, the grandson of the current Inquisitor, Imogen – adoptive brother, beautiful, golden boy – his parabatai. 

Jace could do no wrong, especially in the eyes of his mother Maryse Lightwood. 

To Maryse, Jace was the shining star, the leader, while Alec was expected to be his backup, in his shadow. Both on the field and off.

_The silver to his gold._

Many a time he had been passed over, as Maryse would seek out Jace, give him hugs, while barely even acknowledging Alec or Isabelle. 

With Isabelle she would just give her a glance, and mostly that would be filled with disapproval.

Yes, his family was definitely the picture of perfection, the one to strive for.

And he, Alec Lightwood, had just added to this picture-perfect situation…by kissing the local High Warlock in front of the whole Clave.

Following his heart, as his sister had insisted upon. He had seen her beam at him after their lips had parted, his head and heart still ringing with a happiness he had never known.

Thus he knew he had made the right decision in that. 

Still though…to have the disapproving glare of Maryse Lightwood upon him, it was like a huge shadow over his soul. No matter what, it was still jarring. And the way his father had pulled this change of personality on him, had completely unnerved him.

He walked straight into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Making sure no one else was in there, he put both hands on the sink, as he dipped his head, his eyes closed as he was fighting to calm down. Tears built up behind his eyes, and his breath came out in short, ugly gasps. 

Why was his pursuit for his own happiness considered such at odds – such a disgrace – to his parents? He still did not get it. 

Couldn’t they just allow him to be happy, for once?

He was happy, being with Magnus. With Magnus, the whole world seemed bright, full of color. 

Also Magnus had this way of making Alec feel like he was at the center of his world. Not in second place, or last place, but first…first and foremost.

With Magnus, he had everything that he never thought he could ever have. Love, respect, trust. He was no longer alone.

Why was everyone so against this? Well, not everyone -- he definitely had Isabelle and Jace's support.

The two individuals who lived their lives without caring what their parents thought. 

If only it was that easy for him....

Ever since he had bailed on the wedding with Lydia and thrown the Clave into disarray by kissing Magnus, he had been trying to do things by the book -- arriving at missions early, jumping on orders when his mother and father issued them, just trying to be the best soldier that he could be...

As long as they never said anything about Magnus. As long as he could live his life the way he wanted to -- with Magnus.

Up until now everything had been flawless, perfect. They were both in this bubble...floating, weightless, carefree -- having created this thing, shared by the two of them.

But now...having this secret on his conscience....

It was like a tear in this perfectly crafted union. 

And he didn't know what to do. On one hand, you aren't supposed to keep secrets from the person you love. Then again, if he did let this secret slip out, if he told Magnus -- he didn't think Magnus would be able to keep this secret, especially if it could impact himself and the rest of his warlock community.

In fact, if word did get out -- it could send everyone (especially the Downworld) into chaos. 

The Soul Sword had already killed a great deal of Downworlders the last time Valentine had it in his hands and activated it. When it had been deactivated, everyone had breathed a sigh of relief.

But between then and now, no other thoughts had been given to it. Even Alec had thought that the Clave had locked it down for safekeeping. But then, this... _this._ What was he to do?

Alec glanced at his phone. _3pm._

Ack, he still had reports to do. 

Taking a deep breath, he looked in the mirror. He looked...terrible. Turning on the faucets, he splashed some cold water on his face. At least he felt a bit more refreshed.

Time to go tackle some reports. At least it would help take his mind off things. 

His resolve strengthened, he strode out of the bathroom and down the hallway toward his office.

*****

_At Magnus’s loft_

To a warlock, time was relative, especially since they were immortal.

Magnus Bane found that he didn’t really care about time with regard to his own schedule.

However, when one was a warlock, time became more of an issue when it involved clients. He found that clients placed extreme importance on being on time, especially for appointments, dates and other things where it involved meetings. 

As the High Warlock of Brooklyn, punctuality was extremely important to the Shadowhunters of the New York Institute. When appointments and meetings were made, they usually fit in between a busy day of missions, trainings, and other things deemed important by the Institute. When participating in otherworldly routines, one needed to play by their rules.

He was also currently dating a Shadowhunter. 

And not just any Shadowhunter – The Head of the New York Institute, Alec Lightwood. 

They had a date to go to Cape Cod for dinner at 6pm. His heart warmed at the thought of having someone to take out to dinner, especially someone as special as Alec Lightwood.

Personally Magnus could eat at any time; however, Alec had chosen 6pm, which was a typical time for dinner in Mundane and Nephilim time. 

Magnus was fine with it.

He looked down at his phone. 5pm.

One more hour to go, he thought, as a soft smile came upon his face. He imagined his handsome Shadowhunter with the hazel eyes, tousled dark hair, and heart-melting smile – a rare sight during work hours – but once he was off the clock, that smile was _all_ his.

And it warmed Magnus’s heart to know that he was responsible for that.

They had had a rocky start to their relationship, but in the end love had won out. It still hadn’t been easy though, as they had to navigate through Magnus switching bodies with Valentine (and he had just gotten over that, having that agony rune for the course of the day while in that interrogation room with Imogen), and then the Soul Sword crisis, where tons of Downworld Brethren had been assassinated when Jace, Alec’s parabatai, had inadvertently activated the sword. Magnus held no ill will toward Jace, as he had been lied to by Valentine Morgenstern that he was not only his son, but he had demon blood injected into him as an infant. 

The truth was that Jace had angel blood injected into him, not demon blood.

When Jace had grabbed the soul sword, thinking that he had demon blood in him, he had assumed that it was a suicide mission of mercy on his part – that he would play a part in saving everyone. He had already accepted his inevitable death. 

But due to Valentine’s trickery, Jace had ended up activating the sword, and all the Downworlders currently fighting in the Institute had perished – to the horror of the werewolves, the vampires of the New York Clan, and Magnus and the warlocks.

Magnus recalled how he had rescued child warlock Madzie out from the 2nd level of the Institute upon finding her alone, next to a fallen Circle member who had obviously tried to hurt her. He had quickly gained her trust – also, who couldn’t love that impish face – and portaled them to Catarina’s. 

Alec, who had rushed into the Institute shortly after seeing the rays shining from the soul sword filter out the windows of the Institute, had assumed that Magnus had been in the building as well. Unbelievably, Alec had spent the better part of the night into the morning, searching every room for any sign of Magnus. As dawn broke, Magnus had made his way back to the Institute, only to find a very frantic Alec, his hazel eyes wild with worry. Only then had he found out that Alec had thought him possibly dead, and the embrace he had received was tight, with Alec trembling in fear. 

“Magnus, I-I thought ---,” Alec had faltered. Then he had started speaking quickly. “Look, on every mission I’ve ever been on, I’ve never felt that type of fear, ever. Not knowing if you were alive, or dead…I was terrified.” 

The wild look in Alec’s eyes had almost made Magnus’s heart stop. “So was I,” he had responded, attempting to placate Alec.

Alec had continued to look at Magnus, his gaze suddenly darkening with intensity. “Magnus…I love you,” he had admitted.

Wow, that had hit Magnus straight in the heart. A century in the making…and here was this Shadowhunter being vulnerable and declaring his love…after only a short time. Could he afford to feel any less, though?

“I love you, too,” Magnus had replied finally, and meant it. 

The way Alec’s eyes had lit up, and his shoulders had sagged in relief had meant everything to Magnus. 

**Finally,** someone worthy of **love,** worthy of **trust** …a century in the making.

He couldn’t wait to take his Shadowhunter to an amazing date at the Cape tonight… 

_…_

_6pm went by. Then 7pm…_

Magnus looked down at his phone. Hmm, odd, he thought. Alec had not come by the loft as of yet. 

Was it possible that he had gotten held up by work? Surely he would not have stood him up purposely.

Magnus decided he would give Alec the benefit of the doubt and just give him a little more time.

Admittedly Magnus was not a warlock with infinite patience. But for Alec Lightwood, he would try his best…

_…_

_8:30pm_

Magnus was still waiting at the loft.

Okay, guess I’ll swing by the Institute, Magnus thought. Just to make sure things were okay.

Putting on his best smile, and willing all possible negative thoughts out of his head, he threw open a portal and stepped through.

*********************

_Knock, knock knock knock –_

A few light taps on the door broke into Alec’s concentration while he pored over the books.

He looked up. Magnus’s warm brown eyes and serene, smiling face poked around the doorway.

My beautiful warlock, Alec thought, his heart softening as his mouth widened into a smile.

“Lost track of time?” Magnus asked lightly.

Alec suddenly had a horrible realization, and he smacked himself on the forehead.

“Oh my god, I missed dinner, didn’t I?” 

Dammit, he thought, can’t I do anything right?

“Oh, only by a few hours,” Magnus quipped, trying to keep the mood light. 

Alec felt horrible.

“I am so terribly sorry, I just got caught up with work,” Alec apologized. 

He immediately stood up from his seat and walked to Magnus. He could smell the wonderful sandalwood scent of his cologne, and Magnus looked beautiful with his kohl lined eyes, hair in a perfect quiff,, wearing a fitted long blazer and slim jeans. 

I am so lucky, Alec thought.

He leaned in to kiss him tenderly on the lips, which Magnus eagerly returned. As they parted, Magnus continued smiling at him, his brown eyes crinkling. 

Alec’s heart suddenly felt much lighter as he felt himself being drawn into his orbit.

What was it about the presence of this warlock, that just made all the bad feelings go away? Alec returned Magnus’s smile with his first real genuine smile of the day.

I love you so much, he thought.

How did he even forget about dinner? 

“It’s been so…crazy here,” Alec continued to apologize. “I can’t believe that I forgot…” 

Well, _of course_ you forgot, Alec, his brain said sarcastically. Remember the thing with Robert? The soul sword? Alec winced slightly, feeling guilty. 

However, he quickly flashed Magnus a smile, meant to be apologetic.

Magnus shook his head in a way to signal that Alec did not need to apologize.

“I understand,” Magnus said warmly. 

“Well then, if we couldn’t make it to the Cape, then we bring the Cape to us.”

With a flourish of his hand, a fancy table with placement for two with surf and turf and candles appeared right next to the desk in the office. 

“Lobster tails and champagne.” Magnus grinned, as he picked up both glasses and gave one to Alec. 

Alec accepted it.

“A toast to a successful Downworlders’ meeting,” Magnus stated, referring to the meeting he, Luke, and Raphael had with the Seelie Queen.

They toasted, Magnus’s smile genuine as he lifted his glass to his lips. Alec had quickly lifted the glass to his lips, his smile a little tight, and proceeded to down more than half the glass.

“So it went well,” Alec stated, as they both moved to sit down.

“Relatively,” Magnus stated. “But you need to understand, the Downworlders, and especially the Seelie Queen, barely trust the Clave to begin with. And she went on and on and on about the Clave being a bunch of liars –"

Oh boy, Alec thought distractedly. “ _LIAR LIAR”_ suddenly _flashed_ in the back of his mind. 

_ALEC YOU ARE A LIAR_

Never mind that his idea for a Downworld Council had been to promote transparency with all their dealings. Now because of Robert, he was an accomplice to keeping the news about the soul sword from the very individuals whom he was supposed to have an alliance with!

“..but Luke and I assured her that now that you are the Head of the Institute, and implementing a policy of complete transparency that change is on the way.”

_HYPOCRITE! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A HYPOCRITE_

Alec suddenly realized he had absentmindedly downed the entire glass of champagne.

Then he realized that Magnus had been holding out a forkful of lobster meat in front of his face for the past few seconds. 

Oh wow, did I just drink the whole glass! Alec thought, looking at his glass in shock. Nerves, he thought.

He looked at the forkful of lobster offered by Magnus. Quickly putting on a smile, he took it from Magnus, giving him a warm look.

He made a note to slow down with the drinking, and also to not think too much about his conversation with Robert.

After all, he was on a date. With the man he loved.

These things were meant to be enjoyed. 

_…still, he couldn’t quite put things out from his mind…_

….

Magnus decided that Alec seemed a bit off tonight. 

Firstly, he had completely forgotten about dinner. Magnus had initially given him the benefit of the doubt. But then he realized, Alec was probably one of the most punctual individuals he had ever met. There was no way this would have happened, normally.

Secondly, he had seemed distracted when Magnus had tried to brief him about the Downworlder’s meeting with the Seelie Queen. Alec had paled when he had mentioned the Seelie Queen thinking that the members of the Clave were liars…

Alec had also almost _jumped_ at seeing the forkful of lobster meat Magnus had been offering, as if he had suddenly realized it was in front of his face.

_Then_ he had downed the whole glass of champagne while Magnus was briefing him about the Downworlder’s meeting – like nobody’s business. Did he imagine it, or did Alec do this while Magnus was speaking about the Seelie Queens’ ranting…as if Alec was taking it personally on some level? Magnus didn’t know.

Regardless, that was something Magnus did on the regular – the drinking.

But _not_ Alec.

Wow, he’s thirsty tonight, he thought.

Then another thought crossed his mind.

I hope Alec’s okay, Magnus thought, a bit concerned. 

This was definitely not like him.

*****

After dinner, Magnus had suggested a nice walk home.

Normally the walk would be a welcome respite for Alec. Having grown up in the Institute, there hadn’t been much emphasis on leisure time or taking the time out to do the things you enjoyed. But with Magnus he had started to enjoy going around town, just like two normal boyfriends. It was a gift to hold Magnus’ hand, sometimes stopping by a lamp or a wall to kiss him, laughing and making jokes about what had happened during the day.

But that night, Alec felt a terrible weight inside his chest while walking with Magnus..

Although they were holding hands, and Magnus was talking, he couldn’t focus on what he was talking about. His thoughts were just too consumed by the conversation with Robert this morning.

Alec had never felt so conflicted in his life. As a soldier without needing to concern himself with a personal life, life was clear cut --- you knew what needed to be done. Now-- 

The timing for all of this couldn’t have hit at a worse time. 

He knew he had forgotten about the dinner with Magnus because he had been too wrapped up in his thoughts. Actually, if he was really honest with himself, perhaps he was even trying to avoid Magnus, so he would not need to think about the whole situation.

If Magnus had not come out to find him, perhaps he could have had one more day to figure out what to do. 

Unfortunately, that had not been in the cards, as Magnus ended up showing up at his office door.

During dinner, he could barely stomach what Magnus was saying about the meeting, and how he was vouching for Alec promoting complete transparency. Alec had nearly choked on his drink upon hearing that. Of course all the Downworld would take Magnus at his world, since he was the High Warlock. There would be no reason for them to think otherwise.

…

Magnus could feel that Alec wasn’t being his usual self.

In these few months they’d spent together, Magnus had had the chance to bring out a new side of Alec. When they were alone, together, Alec could wear a wide smile for hours, looking at Magnus with those big hazel eyes as if he was holding the moon right in front of him. He could be cheesy and needy, he liked to cuddle and to hold Magnus close. He liked to talk, to make jokes. Alec felt relaxed near Magnus, his rigid and tense posture just melted, his muscles weren’t so stiff, his eyebrows loosened.

Tonight, Magnus was not seeing _that_ Alec. Alec seemed far away, trapped inside his mind -- somewhere Magnus couldn’t reach him. Also, he had been clutching Magnus’ hand tightly all the way home.

“I’m not going anywhere, darling. You can let go of my hand now,” Magnus said reassuringly as they entered the loft. But he was not going to let this go.

Magnus wanted Alec to know he could count on him, on his attention, his presence, his help.

“Alexander, something has felt off all night with you. Is there something you want to talk about? Something happen during the day?” Magnus prodded gently. 

Then he chuckled. “Don’t think I didn’t see you down that drink rather quickly,” he quipped.

Alec chuckled automatically at Magnus’s words, even as he felt the knife twist deeper inside with confusion and indecision. 

He looked at Magnus – the man whom he loved. Why was this decision so difficult to make? Magnus was the one he loved – and one doesn’t keep secrets like this. Why did he feel as if the Clave had put a target on his back, with regard to the Soul Sword mishap? 

And why did he still feel he had to follow the Clave’s rules – when every inch of his body was screaming that it was wrong to keep this from Magnus?

Magnus looked at him expectantly, awaiting his answer _._

Alec smiled sheepishly, shaking his head.

“I’m sorry Magnus. You’re right. The dealings of the Institute have been somewhat challenging, especially with Valentine escaping during transport –"

“They aren’t blaming you, are they?” Magnus asked indignantly. “Valentine’s escape wasn’t your fault. Clearly he had someone on the inside helping him.” 

Magnus paused a moment, then a horrified expression slowly came upon his face.

“Wait, are they asking you to step down?” he asked carefully.

“No,” Alec said immediately. “In fact, my father vouched for me…”

“Robert? Your father?” Magnus was shocked. “Why didn’t you mention that before?”

Alec sighed. “Well, actually,” he said slowly, “I believe the words “lapse in leadership” might have been used.”

Alec winced, as the memory of those words directed at him hit his brain like barbs cutting and reopening old wounds. 

Taking a deep breath, he continued, “But then my father told me he convinced Imogen to keep me on as the Head of the Institute, that I knew New York better than anyone else. He convinced her to trust that I would do whatever it took in order to track Valentine down.”

“Robert – he never really appreciated me, so I asked him if he had defended me because I was a Lightwood. But he said no. He told me actually he had always admired my courage and my honesty…”

_Oh God… was he really the one talking about honesty right now?_

“Robert said that he believes that I have the qualities to be a real leader…”

He stopped again.

Alec needed to tell him -- Magnus needed to know about this....

However, those words remained on the tip of his tongue. He just couldn’t get them out.

He felt like there was an invisible hand gagging him. But it was all _him_.

A visual of Robert floated through his mind. Alec felt like dirt. 

“And?” Magnus prompted.

Alec fell silent, as thoughts raged within him.

“And… nothing,” Alec shrugged.

“Nothing? Nothing else?” Magnus persisted.

Alec shook his head. “No, that was it.”

Why was he lying to him? Why couldn’t he just be truthful?

Magnus doesn’t deserve this, Alec thought in anguish.

Magnus had been walking around their bedroom, getting ready to go to bed. He seemed deep in thought. Then he stopped and gave Alec an unreadable look. Alec cowered under his gaze; it unnerved him.

“Well, from what you have said thus far, it actually sounded like it was a halfway decent exchange between you and your father – perhaps even as faint praise. Maybe you can just take it for what it is,” Magnus suggested simply. 

As Magnus was saying those words to Alec, he somehow felt that he had not gotten the whole story out of Alec. But he had yet to substantiate it. Although he was a very powerful warlock, he still couldn’t read minds. However, he was good at sensing feelings and emotions. ‘

The vibe he was receiving from Alec just **_felt_** wrong.

Alec rubbed his eyes. “You may have a point there, about the praise. Maybe I’m just tired,” he said slowly. 

“Actually,” he said quickly, feeling a burst of inspiration, along with the need to unload at least some of his stress, “I do feel responsible for failing Valentine’s transport to Idris. I’m new to this position. I guess I just wanted to give the right impression. Also, I don’t like that Robert had to step in to take my side -- you know I prefer to earn what I receive. I don’t like the others thinking that I was pardoned because I’m a Lightwood, because I’m his son. It’s not exactly a heritage I’m proud of.”

Alec trailed off. Well, at least he had succeeded in unloading some of the stress he had been feeling. However, it was not nearly enough.

“I understand,” Magnus said softly. “Although...” Magnus then cupped his chin to look into his eyes. “Is that really all there is?” His eyes were full of concern.

“There’s nothing more than this Magnus, I promise,” Alec said resolutely, lying through his teeth.

His heart was crying. 

“If you say so…I believe you. Then perhaps I can do something for you to relax?”

Magnus smiled serenely just then, and Alec could tell Magnus was no longer anxious.

Magnus had believed all his words. 

He didn’t ask any more questions, and was now acting the way he usually did when they were alone, at home, together.

Magnus believed him, as he normally would. When you loved someone, you wanted to believe them, to trust them. Alec had thought all the obstacles had finally melted away, giving them a moment of peace.

Then _this_ had to happen. And he was keeping things from Magnus.

Alec had never felt more disgusted with himself in his whole life.

“Come here Alexander, lay beside me.”

Magnus lifted his golden sheets clearly inviting Alec in. Alec felt nervous. Nevertheless he undressed himself and lay in bed. Then Magnus was kissing him. Alec responded in kind, but his thoughts were far away. Guilt and an uncomfortable feeling of fragility made him feel edgy. Having this over their heads diminished the usual joy he would be feeling now.

He needed to tell Magnus about the Soul Sword, Alec thought desperately. How could he be lying here with him, and not tell him. Besides, Magnus would be able to keep a secret if he absolutely needed to, right? Alec was sure he wouldn’t tell the warlocks and the rest of the Downworld about this. Maybe they could even come together and devise a plan to retrieve the Soul Sword together…

However, in the next moment, Alec had thrown away that notion, dismissing it as wishful thinking.

Firstly, there was no way they would be able to locate the missing Soul Sword, not realistically anyway. Secondly, Magnus could not be expected to keep this big of a secret from his own people, especially if it was such a huge threat to their lives.

He caught Magnus looking at him intensely again, and he quickly put on a smile to hide his feelings.

_…_

Nestled against golden silk sheets, their bodies were moving in sync, as lovers do. Alec just wanted to forget, and lose himself inside Magnus’s body and embrace. The light of the candles was flickering, as their shadows danced on their naked bodies. Magnus was lying with his head on Alec’s chest, his finger playing with his chest hair.

Alec tried to empty his mind of thoughts, but found that he was unable to. His head was split in two.

Magnus’s voice broke him out of his thoughts.

“Alexander. I wanted you to know that ever since I opened up to you about my memories, the ones brought on by the agony rune – it really helped me a lot. I really feel a lot better these days. It also made me think about how much relationships need **_trust_** in order to thrive. I’m sorry if I shut you out in the beginning. But I have never trusted anyone in quite the way that I ** _trust_** you.”

Alec shivered involuntarily. It felt wrong to hear Magnus tell him this right now. 

His gold cat eyes glistened as he looked into Alec’s eyes. He leaned forward to give Alec a soft feathered kiss on his lips.

It should have been a moment to treasure. 

But instead Alec just wanted to run away and hide – the conflicting feelings were growing, getting too much.

_YOU’RE LYING TO HIM YOU’RE LYING TO HIM_

Magnus’s arms came around to embrace him, and the thoughts flew out of his head temporarily. Alec sighed, burying his head in Magnus hair, and savoring his relaxing and intoxicating scent.

He felt Magnus’s fingers tracing circling paths on his chest.

Alec couldn’t lose any of this. He didn’t even want to entertain the notion.

Magnus was all he had ever wanted. All he had ever needed.

_Magnus. Magnus. Magnus._

He tightened his arms around Magnus’ waist, pressing him closer against his body. He felt so _safe_ when in his arms. 

For the moment, in Magnus’s arms, he could _breathe._

And _pretend_ that everything was fine…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 to come...


	2. There Are No Secrets That Time Won't Reveal

_BAM! Two, three…BAM! Five, six…BAM BAM! Nine-ten. BAM BAM!_

Beads of sweat had already begun to trickle through Alec’s thick dark hair, forming droplets in random spots on his face and dripping down the length of nose. 

Alec found this really annoying. Shaking his head, he flicked away most of the nuisance, and concentrated on throwing punches at the bag.

Alec’s fists, tightly bound in white strips of cloth to help protect the skin of his knuckles against the punching bag, found their targets true and hard, as he swung his arms straight into the same spot at the top.

He has always found this workout to be therapeutic and a good way of working out stress. 

At least it helped him to focus on something.

Unfortunately it was not working too well to quell the constant stream of thoughts going through his mind.

He yawned suddenly, and held onto the bag upon mid-swing so it would not hit him.

He stood there for a moment. He suddenly realized how tired he actually was. 

He had not slept too well the previous night at all.

He had just lain in bed, looking up at the ceiling, while his thoughts raged on, making it impossible to go to sleep.

Conflicting words from his father, from Magnus, and then -- worst of all -- his inner voice. He knew that he was his own worst enemy, but he had found himself unable to turn this off in his head.

Late evening, as he laid in bed with Magnus – he had been in bliss, with Magnus happily lying on his chest after having just made love. 

Alec had his fingers in Magnus's thick dark hair, stroking gently, and he thought he couldn't be happier. Magnus had looked up at him with adoring eyes, and his heart felt so full. 

Then after awhile, Magnus had murmured a loving "Good night," rolled over, and went to sleep.

However, Alec just lay there, looking up at the ceiling.

Hearing his father’s words, and then his inner voice -- damning him, just damning him inside his own head.

…

Darkness had given way to twilight. And now the sun was about to rise.

Ugh. How was he to go about the day, on such little sleep?

Alec turned on his phone and looked at it. 5am

He sighed. He might as well get up, and go to the Institute to train. At least with training, he could lose himself in it, the exertion, and the pain, and forget what a huge mistake he was making in keeping this secret from Magnus.

But if he really felt that way, why was he keeping up the façade and not telling Magnus about it?

He didn’t know. 

He was glad that Magnus was a deep sleeper, so he could get up and leave before having to face his boyfriend, knowing that he was keeping something from him.

Alec quickly got out of bed, threw on his Shadowhunter gear, grabbed his bow and quiver, and quietly tiptoed out the bedroom door. 

Taking strong, determined strides across the living room, he was almost at the loft door, ready to walk out. Then he stopped. 

It would not feel right if he did not leave Magnus a note. He had started doing that early on in their relationship, just as a courtesy. Then it had become a routine, leaving love notes when he had to leave earlier on assignment. 

That was just what one did for someone that they love. 

Maybe he should...

Alec strode back into the living room and made his way to the kitchen. Grabbing a post-it note from the counter. He hastily scribbled something, not really taking note of his handwriting. Just a little something letting Magnus know he had to leave early. 

His gaze fell on the coffeemaker. 

Usually, if he had not been in a rush to leave, he would have already started the coffee, and maybe even make some breakfast for Magnus.

His heart tugged at him, somewhat painfully, as he thought of Magnus waking up, realizing he had left early, and had nothing to show for it. 

Alec suddenly felt terrible. What type of boyfriend would he be, if he left Magnus hanging like that. No, that was absolutely not acceptable. No matter how conflicted he was feeling, no matter how this was killing him inside, it was not Magnus’s fault, and Magnus should not be suffering the brunt of things. 

This was Alec’s burden to bear, and his alone. 

With new resolve, Alec took off his leather jacket, setting it down on the counter. 

Opening the cabinets and drawer, he took out the canister of coffee, a bag of pancake mix, some cinnamon, a whisk, a cup and a plate. 

Going into the refrigerator, he brought out eggs and milk. 

He could at least make his boyfriend some breakfast.

Humming, he went to work. Cooking and making something for Magnus always did work to make him feel better. But as he whisked the eggs and milk into the pancake batter, thoughts overwhelmed his mind. 

Was he only doing this because he felt guilt for keeping Robert’s conversation from Magnus?

Dammit, Alec thought, gritting his teeth.

Because of the situation with the Soul Sword, he had been plagued with guilt and confusion in general. Robert’s insistence that he not tell Magnus about this had been affecting him greatly.

At least two days ago, he had made breakfast to show Magnus how much he loved him. 

And now, because of Robert, Alec was questioning the validity of every decision and gesture he was initiating. 

He took a shaky breath. 

This was bad. Really bad. 

He willed the thoughts away finally and managed to finish breakfast.

As he laid the short stack of pancakes on the plate and placed Magnus’s cup on the counter next to it, he momentarily felt a flash of happiness and feeling of love for his boyfriend. He pictured him with his amazing smile and gorgeous brown eyes, which would light up upon finding this thoughtful gesture from Alec. 

Then the ugly thoughts reared its head again. 

Too bad that Robert had to ruin everything, his mind said. Too bad you couldn’t even trust your own motivations now…

Alec opened his eyes wide, hanging his head as his heart started pounding in his ears. He put his hand on the counter, bracing himself as he closed his eyes. He could feel his heart start to pound in his ears. 

No, this couldn’t happen again. 

He was _not_ going to have a panic attack right this moment.

He was planning on going to the Institute to work out this morning. He needed it! 

And that’s what he was going to do!

He looked at the breakfast he had just made, making sure he had not forgotten anything. He dropped the note he had written next to the plate, so that Magnus would be sure to find it.

He breathed a sigh, which came out a bit shaky.

He needed to leave for the Institute, now.

Alec quickly grabbed his jacket. Shrugging it on, he strode to the loft doors, opened them, and walked out, closing them quietly behind him. 

Soon he was by the elevators, waiting for the door to open.

If he was lucky, maybe Jace would be in the training room as well, and then they could spar. 

He could use a good spar session right about now.

Hopefully that would help to stop the beginning of what seemed like another panic attack.

Just keep breathing evenly, he told himself. 

Clear your thoughts. Will it away. 

_Repeat_. 

…

So that’s how Alec ended up in the training room early in the morning, his fists wrapped with bandages, looking to spar. 

However, Jace had not been here this early. 

Hrm, thought Alec, a bit disgruntled. Figures Jace wouldn’t be here.

Then again, Jace had been through a lot, as of late. 

Jace had become undependable, ever since Clary Fairchild had entered their lives, a Mundane female who had claimed to have the Sight – and uprooted everything. Regardless, Jace had become smitten with her. And Alec had seen the signs. And now they couldn’t do anything without her being involved. So frustrating.

Then Valentine Morgenstern, who was the leader of the Circle, a rogue band of Shadowhunters who believed that the Nephilim was superior and all demon-blooded creatures needed to die, revealed that he was Clary’s father, of all people. And that Jace was indeed Valentine’s son, and had demon blood within him, which had been injected into his mother during pregnancy as an experiment Valentine had been conducting.

Both reveals had destroyed Jace internally, and even convinced him to go with Valentine in order to spare his family. 

Jace had eventually escaped and returned to the Institute, but not all had been well. Due to Valentine’s lies – and later on they had discovered that it had all been part of his grand scheme, Jace had predictably attempted to play the sacrificial hero, and inadvertently activated the Soul Sword right inside the Institute, killing all the Downworlders who had all come together to fight against Valentine.

Valentine had lied about Jace having demon blood, and so Jace had thought he was going to save everyone, killing himself in the process, as Soul Sword was lethal to those demon blood.

Instead, he had experimented on Jace with pure Angel Blood, which was key to activating the Sword.

Valentine had proved to be a menace, indeed. 

In fact, he was still a menace, as long as he was still alive and in hiding. This disappearance of the Soul Sword was most likely tied to him.

These days, Jace walked around, saddled with guilt, with Clary trying to pick up the pieces of his shattered life.

In fact, Jace was probably sleeping in, with Clary by his side. It was probably better that he got his rest, Alec mused ruefully. That was the priority for him, now, as he slowly got better mentally and physically.

As far as Alec was concerned, though, he needed to train.

Pulling his thoughts back to himself, Alec punched the bag again, but recoiled when he felt pain. 

He looked at his hands for the first time since earlier that morning. 

Instead of the wrapped bandages being white, parts had split due to the pounding his knuckles had taken against the punching bag, and skin had begun to bleed.

Good, Alec thought, wincing slightly. Physical pain never truly bothered him. 

At least if there was pain, then he could forgot about the emotional abyss that all these thoughts were threatening to hurl him into… 

Reaching into his pocket, he took out his iratze, and ran it quickly over his Healing rune. Immediately the wounds closed and his hands looked like new. He smiled. 

He reached into his other pocket, came out with a roll of white bandages, and proceeded to wrap his knuckles again. 

Now he could train longer. 

Anything to get these voices, and the conflicting loyalties he was feeling, out of his head…

**************

“Hey, Alec!” Jace said, his head peeking in. “Thought I might find you here.”

“Jace,” Alec acknowledged him, as he sat on the bench, toweling himself off. He had just finished hours of working out with the punching bag. “You look refreshed. Did you just wake up?”

Jace stretched luxuriously. “About a half hour ago. You?” he asked. 

Jace then squinted, getting a closer look at Alec. “You haven’t been getting enough sleep, brother,” he reprimanded lightly. “Couldn’t sleep again?”

“And were you training since dawn??” he said incredulously, looking at Alec’s bandaged hands – or rather, what was left of the bandages. 

“Oh…these?” Alec said, mentally cursing himself. 

Damn, he had forgotten to rewrap his hands. 

The current bandages had ripped through yet again, and they were bloody, with skin exposed from punching the bag one too many times. They did look horrible, he acknowledged.

“Is there something wrong, Alec? You know I can feel you through the bond. Things seem a little shaky. Anything you want to talk about?” Jace asked, his voice full of concern.

Alec sighed. Of course Jace could feel every single drop of anxiety and distress. Alec put on a smile and looked directly at his parabatai’s heterochromatic eyes. “Nothing I can’t handle, but thanks,” he said. He made a mental note to mute the bond going forward. At least, while he was dealing with the issues at hand, he did not want to affect Jace’s performance on missions, among other things.

Jace’s face had a strange expression on it, which then disappeared as he sighed. “Well, okay Alec, if you say so. Just know I’m there for you buddy,” he said, clapping him on the back. 

He grinned, a twinkle coming into his eyes. “You wouldn’t by chance want to spar, would you? I feel a good burst of energy coming on.” 

Jace whipped out his seraph blades and started horsing around. 

Alec laughed. “Well if you had been here at 6am, I was more than ready for it. However, now I need to go get some paperwork done in the office. So a raincheck on the sparring. See you later?” Alec said.

“Yes, Mr. Head of the New York Institute,” he said, giving Alec a mock salute and flashing his devilish grin, before popping back into the hallway.

Alec watched Jace leave, then his smile disappeared and his shoulders slumped. 

Paperwork, what fun, he thought. Ah, the duties of the Head of the Institute is never done, he thought, sighing. 

He needed to take care of these hands first, though. 

The application of the iratze and a few minutes later --- his hands were pristine again. Tossing the bloody bandages in the trash, the sole evidence of his overtraining, it joined the other bunches of bloodied bandages he had gone through this morning. 

Hmm perhaps he overdid it today, he thought, with a tinge of regret. 

Ah well, no matter. He would dwell on that later. 

Time to be the boss and check in with everyone, he thought. He straightened his posture, ever the soldier, and walked out. 

*************************

The sun was gently breaching through the curtains of their bedroom. One pale ray of light touched Magnus’ still closed eyes, causing him to stir.

He instinctively turned around to reach out for Alec. Roaming his hand up and down the other side of the bed, he found the bed – empty. 

Slowly he cracked open one eye and scanned the room, his ears pricking up as he tried to catch even the tiniest of noises coming from the bathroom or the living room. But there was none, only silence. 

Not even the Chairman could be heard anywhere. 

And Alec was undoubtedly gone.

Strange, Magnus thought. 

Since the first night Alec had slept next to him in his bed, he always loved waiting for Magnus to wake up. They would then happily indulge in cuddles and attention.

Alec liked to rest his head on Magnus’, sharing his company in comfortable silence.

Obviously, Magnus thought, he had been right the night before. Something was bothering Alec; obviously it was serious enough to keep him preoccupied -- and he had not been ready to talk about it with Magnus.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he gently slid his silky black robe around his shoulders, deep in thought. 

He swore he would not let Alec evade him anymore – they needed to get this out in the open.

Magnus planned to approach Alec the way he normally did – Alec loved lying in his lap, his head cradled by Magnus’s loving hands, as Magnus massaged the tensions of the day away. Only then, would Alec feel reassured, relaxed, and secure enough to confide in him.

Armed with this resolve, he smiled gently as he rose up, heading to the kitchen. There was coffee on the table a short stack of pancakes stacked on a plate. There was a little note beside the plate, written quickly and nervously. Magnus could tell, since the handwriting was practically illegible.

Morning Magnus. I had to leave early. I will be busy the whole day. See you tonight. Love you. Alec.

As Magnus poured the coffee in the cup, he found himself smiling. 

He could totally get used to waking up with breakfast waiting for him like this, to think that someone was taking care of him. 

Alec was just so thoughtful. Alec still found the time to cook something for him. 

Magnus swore he would help him out whatever was tormenting him inside. Alec needed to know that he wasn’t alone anymore. They were together, and would handle situations together, whether good or bad.

Speaking of which, he had better get dressed, as clients were coming, and he needed to run some errands around town. He went to his bedroom and started to get prepared for his day. 

*******

“Good morning sir,” Underhill said, greeting Alec as he approached him at Ops. 

“Good morning Underhill, I trust things are going well here and we are all aware of our missions today. . Any updates thus far?” Alec said. He was so glad that Underhill was part of his Institute. He was a soldier, and took his position seriously. He had also become a good friend to Alec, as he would stop by the office from time to time to chat and to give him updates. 

“Everything’s looking A-Ok,” Underhill said pleasantly.

“Okay, great, keep me posted. At ease,” Alec said, giving him a wave as he turned toward the hallway toward his office.

Upon reaching his office, he closed the door and then sat down in his leather chair, closing his eyes and resting, feeling the coolness of the leather against his neck and hands. He needed the peace and quiet, before Shadowhunters started coming at him in a rush with updates, requests, and questions. 

He stared at the pile of folders on his desk. 

Those were all missions and proposals he needed to look over and approve. Egad, this was going to take him all day! But if there were few interruptions today, perhaps he could finish them in a timely fashion.

Speaking of Shadowhunters, there was one in particular whom he had not seen yet during his rounds, and he was very glad for that. Maybe he had even gone back to Idris. And then that would leave Alec with some much needed breathing space.

Humming, he reached for the first folder on the pile

_KNOCK KNOCK!_ Someone was at the door. 

Shit, already? Alec thought. Oh well. He placed the folder back on the desk.

He put on a smile, and sat back in his chair. “Come in,” he said in his most professional manner.

In the doorway stood Robert Lightwood. 

ACK. The last person he wanted to see today. Just his luck.

“Father,” Alec said pleasantly. However, his stomach had already dropped in dismay, as did his wavering self-esteem. I guess I jinxed it, huh, Alec thought wryly. He thought Robert had returned to Idris.

He had spoken too soon.

“Son,” Robert acknowledged, stepping forward to extend his hand to shake. “How are things? So far so good on the floor. You are doing an exceptional job keeping the soldiers in line. 

They listen to you.”

“Well, I give them free rein to do what they want,” Alec replied easily, as he shook Robert’s hand. “I trust their judgment. They have proven themselves worthy of that. Respect is paramount. I’m not going to micromanage that, it creates an air of distrust.”

Robert smiled broadly. “Of course, I would not expect anything less than that from you. I was right to champion you to Imogen. You run a tight but fair ship,” he said. 

He then leaned forward, so that he was halfway across the desk. Alec bristled, resisting the urge to lean back since Robert had breached his personal space. 

His gaze was piercing, the same gaze he would give his son when reprimanding him about something that he had done wrong.

“And what about Magnus?” he asked.

“What about him?” Alec asked defensively. “I’m not going to stop seeing him, if that’s what you are inferring.” If Robert was going to assume that he would break up with Magnus just because of what he said…

Robert shook his head. He suddenly looked contrite. 

“Son,” he said, his voice softening, and his eyes looking apologetic, “I was wrong to say that about Magnus. You chose him, and you are old enough to make your own decisions. Obviously the Institute follows and treats you with great respect, so I can see that your relationship with him has not hurt your standings at all. Please accept my apology.”

Alec regarded his father with slight suspicion. Should he trust him? After everything that he had put him through? When Robert had told him he didn’t approve of Magnus, it really shocked him and sent his head spinning. 

And now he was just taking it back? Like whatever he said was no big deal the other day? 

Was this his idea of some game, to play with Alec’s self-esteem and self worth?

Alec bristled, thisclose to getting angry.

_DON’T TRUST HIM ALEC_

But, alas, he was going to end up trusting him, wasn’t he…

He could feel himself relent. 

Robert’s eyes and voice did seem genuine. 

Alec sighed. Always the good boy, ever so obedient and reverent …

“Apology accepted,” Alec said. “Please, just never question my relationship again.” 

He fixed his gaze on Robert, to make those words sink in.

Robert nodded. “Duly noted,” he said. “By the way, we still have not located the Sword.”

“I didn’t think you had,” Alec said. “Otherwise you would have opened up with that news.”

Robert laughed heartily. “You are just so perceptive, son. So great,” he said. “You make me proud. Just remember our arrangement. No speaking of this, to anyone, not even --”

“Father,” Alec said, in a slightly warning tone.

“Right,” Robert said, nodding at his correction. 

“You’re right, you’re right. It’s going to take me some time to not be so overbearing. Okay, I trust you. I will take my leave now. Good to see you son.”

With that, he walked to the door, turned and nodded at Alec before shutting the door behind him.

Alec let out a sigh of relief after Robert left. 

That man always set him on edge. 

Something was vibrating in his pocket. 

Obviously a text. Ah well, people knew that texts were not always answered immediately, especially in the middle of a busy work day. 

I’m sure the person won’t mind if I just catch him or her later, Alec thought. Robert’s visit had been much longer than expected, and now it had set him back.

He picked up the folder from his desk again. 

Let’s get to it, he thought, sighing. Now he would need to catch up…

…..

_At the loft, around late afternoon_

Upon returning back to the loft, Magnus realized that his errands had taken him much longer than he had initially planned. 

And then another odd thing had struck him.

There had been no texts or calls from Alec. 

Things must have gone worse than he had thought. And with Robert there, Alec probably hadn’t even any time for himself.

A burst of anger rose inside Magnus’ chest thinking about Alec’s parents. 

As a warlock, he could never become a father. However he had always considered himself a father to all the downworlders needing protection and comfort. 

But the Lightwoods -- they had amazing children; yet they had not been able to do anything good by them, especially with Alec. 

Clearly they had groomed him to be the perfect soldier -- always pushing his limits, always expecting the impossible from him. 

They had also sought obedience – and this had intensified in the face of Isabelle rebelling against their wishes and doing as she pleased -- whether it be dating a Downworlder, as she had with Meliorn, or takin matters into her own hands during missions.

So they had accomplished that by consistently putting him down, while setting such high expectations, one would ultimately be doomed to fail. 

Magnus was going to undo all that they had done to him. He was going to make Alec realize his self-worth. 

Magnus would usually refrain from calling Alec while he was on duty at the Institute, especially since he knew that the job was precarious and required Alec’s utmost attention – however, he just felt an urge to check up on him to make sure things were well.

Alec picked up the call at on the first rang. ring.

“Magnus? Is everything all right?” he asked.

“I would ask the same of you Alexander,” Magnus responded.

There was a moment of silence. 

Magnus could clearly hear Alec breathing on the other end of the phone.

“Hm yeah, sure, just another long tiring day. On that note, I’ll be home late tonight,” he replied.

His voice had trailed off, with a bit of a tremble at the end

“I’ll wait for you --”

“Magnus, it could be really late. Trust me, it’s a mess here,” Alec insisted.

Magnus sighed. He had not been expecting that from Alec. 

Alec winced after he realized what he had said. It had really hurt to tell Magnus to not wait up for him. 

All Alec wished in that moment was to run to Magnus and bury himself in his arms.

“Ok Magnus,” he relented. “Let’s make a deal. You can wait up for me, if you’d like. If you end up sleepy, then promise me you will go directly to bed.” 

Magnus exhaled in relief; Alec could tell that he was smiling on the other end. His heart clenched at the thought of having such a power over Magnus’ emotions.

“All right Alexander, if I feel like I can’t stay awake anymore, I’ll go to bed. Alright?”

“All right. I gotta go now. See you later then. Love you”

Magnus smiled again. Had Alec just told him that he loved him over the phone?

That was really something new. He could get used to this.

Anyway, he did have some potions to brew up in his apothecary for the next day. This way, he could pass the time while waiting for his love to return.

……..

Alec rubbed his eyes, still hunched over paperwork. He had been poring through these for at least two hours.

He decided that he needed a break. Thoughts from his conversation with Robert, coupled with his conversation and anxiety with Magnus still ran in circles throughout his head.

Standing up, he strode to the door. Opening it, he stepped out into the hallway, ready to go to Ops.

And nearly collided with his sister Isabelle, who was walking down that hallway at that very given moment.

"Hey, big brother! Whoa, where's the fire? This looks serious," she said good-naturedly, holding him by both arms.

Alec flushed. "Uh, sorry, Izzy," Alec apologized. His voice, however, was tight. 

The expression on Isabelle's face changed from one of carefree to one of concern. 

Oh crap, Alec thought. Isabelle already knew something was wrong. His sister was an ace with reading him. 

"Alec, come with me," she said, leaving no room for argument. At that moment, Alec didn't have the strength to argue or to refuse her request.

She led him to the cafeteria, and motioned for him to sit down. "Do you want any coffee? I'm going to get some," she said. 

He nodded, "Sure, I could use some," he said.

Isabelle went to get the coffee, returning quickly with the cups. She handed one to Alec, and then she sat down.

Alec raised the cup to take a sip.

Isabelle was no fool, though. She already knew there was something bothering her brother.

"So," she said, her dark eyes piercing into his, "I saw Dad walk into your office today. Is that possibly the reason why you seem so preoccupied?"

Alec nearly choked on his coffee. Egad, Isabelle was right on the money, as usual.

"How is it that you are always able to tell?" Alec asked in wonder.

Isabelle shrugged. "Call it a gift," she said. 

Alec sighed. 

"You can't tell anyone," he said. 

Isabelle's eyes grew as wide as saucers. "I promise," she said solemnly.

He told her everything -- about the Clave not knowing the location of the Soul Sword, about Robert swearing him to secrecy, about him disapproving of his relationship with Magnus, and his pleading with Alec to not tell Magnus about the Sword.

Isabelle looked at Alec, her face filled with anxiety. "Don't tell me you listened to Dad and didn't tell Magnus."

Alec didn't respond.

Isabelle's eyes flashed, and she grabbed her brother's arm. 

"Alec." 

That no-nonsense voice that she reserved for Alec when she knew he was making a huge mistake.

"Alec, you know what's the right thing to do," Isabelle insisted. "You need to tell Magnus."

Alec just stared at her, the memory of Robert's voice mixing with Magnus's musical voice telling him that he was so glad that Alec made him able to love again. 

This discord in his head grew louder and louder, and he suddenly couldn't sit there one minute longer.

"I know," he muttered weakly. "I know." 

He sighed, as Isabelle gave him a sympathetic look. "I will tell him," he said.

Isabelle sighed. 

"I know it's not easy dealing with Dad," she said. "But you need to do what is right. You know Magnus needs to know so he can keep the Downworld safe."

You know she's right, Alec's heart said.

So why hadn't he done this already? he wondered.

He felt so mixed inside. 

Isabelle was looking pointedly at him. 

Had she asked something? 

Hesitantly, he nodded. 

At that, Isabelle’s face broke into a big smile. 

"Great, I know you will do the right thing," she said. 

Just then her phone buzzed. 

She took out her phone and looked at it briefly. "Oh I need to see about a project," she said. 

"Walk me back to research?" she asked.

"Of course, Izzy. And, thanks for the pep talk" he said. He knew his sister meant well and only wanted the best for him.

They both got up from their seats.

"Of course. What would you do without me?" she said jokingly, linking arms with him. 

Together they walked out of the cafeteria.

*******

Magnus stared at the books in front of him, then at the cluster of potions in front of him as he stood in the apothecary at the loft, waiting for them to finish brewing. 

He yawned. 

How much time had passed since he had first begun? It certainly felt like he had been doing this for awhile. 

He noted that he was still wearing his coat from earlier. Hmm, he hadn't bothered to magic it off yet? 

A knock on the door tore him out of his thoughts. 

Who could it be at that time? He had not been expecting anyone, as it was late in the evening. 

Alec maybe? 

No, Alec wouldn’t have knocked. He had a pair of spare keys.

Honestly he was annoyed that someone was threatening to tamper with his already carefully planned evening. It was a bit late for anyone to be coming to him with problems

The knocking turned insistent, then a loud voice.

“Magnus open the door, it’s Luke. I need to talk to you. Now. It’s important.”

Luke? Well, this was really unexpected. They has seen each other at the Downworld meeting the other day and it didn’t seem that anything new had happened since then. 

He opened the door and Luke seemed really upset. He stormed inside the loft, holding a fire message in his hands.

“Luke. What happened?” Magnus asked curiously.

“Magnus, my sister Cleophas is alive,” Luke said. 

Luke’s sister had become a Iron Sister shortly after the uprising, since she had been a member of the Circle. 

Luke hadn’t heard from her since then. Their relationship had become estranged after that, especially since Valentine had betrayed Luke and had him turned into a werewolf. 

“So you’re telling me your sister’s still alive? I don’t understand what this has to do with the Downworld,” Magnus stated, puzzled.

Luke sighed. Magnus was normally incredibly perceptive, but this time he had missed the connection completely.

He took something out of his pocket.

“Cleophas sent me this fire message. It appears that Valentine is holding her captive,” he said. 

Magnus’ expression instantly turned serious.

“Magnus, she says Valentine still has the Soul Sword,” Luke stated.

Magnus furrowed his brows, shaking his head in disbelief. “That’s impossible” he said.

Luke handed him the fire message as a proof that what he was saying was true.

Magnus bowed his head, staring at the message, incredulously.

“Look, I thought the same thing, but the Clave lied”. Luke said.

Alexander, Magnus thought. He would want to know about this – he would be the first one to want to help get to the bottom of this.

“I have to tell Alexander.” Magnus was already halfway out the door.

.

“Wait.” 

Luke stopped him, putting his hand on Magnus’ arms, his face full of concern. Since he had been a Shadowhunter prior to being turned, he was only all too aware of what the Clave was capable of. 

Exhaling a deep breath he said, “Alec is the Head of the Institute. He might already know”.

Magnus was taken by surprise by Luke’s affirmation. 

He shook his head vehemently. “No, I just heard from him this evening. He would have told me if he knew” Wouldn’t he?

“He would never keep something this important from me.“

He gave back the message to Luke and headed straight to the door.

As he closed the door behind him, Magnus was overwhelmed by mixed emotions. He had been so sure of Alec’s honesty while defending him in front of Luke, but now he was not so sure. 

Alec’s unusual behavior, his reluctance to discuss the Downworld meeting in depth, and his uneasiness over the phone now really stood out like a sore thumb in Magnus’s mind.

Could it really be that Alec had lied to him? 

That after all Magnus had told him, he had still consciously decided to hide such an information from him -- so crucial, as to place Magnus’s own life in danger, along with the rest of the Downworld?

Regardless, he needed to know -- now. 

He couldn’t wait.

Summoning a portal with a flick of his wrist, he directed it toward the corridor leading directly to Alec’s office. Usually he would not portal directly inside the Institute, as one would not want to get in the way of a busy lot of Shadowhunters --- however, the need to know the truth superseded this courtesy.

This was just too important to wait on.

As he approached Alec’s office, his steps started growing heavy as the potential gravity of the situation started weighing upon him. If Alec had lied to him – and ugh, as much as he had denied everything while talking to Luke, all signs were really starting to point to this horrible realization – his chest started getting tighter and tighter as pressure built behind his eyes with unbridled rage.

Still, he swallowed his anger down, and prepared himself to face Alec – still grasping at straws. Perhaps he would be proven wrong.

God, he hoped so.

….

As Magnus poked his head into Alec’s office, he found him sitting at his desk, lost in his thoughts. One hand was at his temple. Alec then appeared to sigh deeply. 

He was so distracted that he hadn’t noticed Magnus standing just outside the room.

Magnus knocked at the door. Alec raised his head. Upon seeing Magnus, his lips slightly curved up in a quick smile. Then he quickly looked at his phone. 

Wow, he hadn’t realized how late it had gotten. Magnus must have gone to bed, and then gotten up to come back again. Alec certainly had not been expecting him to come to the Institute.

The expression on Alec’s face immediately turned into one of guilt. “Please don’t say you’ve been waiting for me all this time,” he said, apologetically

“No. Just wanted to see you,” Magnus said.

Magnus attempted to rein in the whirlwind of emotion as he spoke. There was no use in exploding now, at least not until any truths had come out…

Alec looked at Magnus’s face carefully. Magnus usually displayed a broad smile whenever he saw Alec. However, his voice had trembled as he spoke, and bordered on being brittle. It was so unlike him. 

It was clear that something was wrong.

Maybe he found out. Alec thought, as a feeling of trepidation started to wash over him. 

“Is everything ok?” he asked hesitantly.

Magnus suddenly found it difficult to speak. “I thought so,” he said slowly, “But now I’m not so sure.”

He knows. 

Magnus looked so vulnerable in that moment. He seemed so hurt.

Please, please let me be wrong, Magnus thought desperately.

Alec’s internal struggle was clearly visible in his eyes. Magnus knew immediately that his suspicions were true.

Alec attempted to retain composure, even as his fear grew within him. He knew he had screwed everything up. He had to tell Magnus before someone else did.

“What’s going on?” he volunteered, albeit feebly, still trying to remain optimistic. Maybe there was something else he wanted to talk about…

“You tell me, Alexander,” Magnus said haltingly. He stepped closer to him. “From the day I met you, the one thing I knew I can count on from you was honesty.” 

Alec’s heart started beating erratically with every word Magnus said, and he didn’t know where to look. But he was unable to meet Magnus’s eyes. He suddenly felt lightheaded, and realized he was about to have another panic attack. 

No, not now! he thought desperately. He could not, and would not cop out on this --- he had to face it. 

He was caught in a lie…

“Absolute, total honesty.” 

Magnus had spelled out those three words purposely slow, pointing out and emphasizing the meaning they were implying for him. 

Alec now focused his attention directly on Magnus, feeling like a criminal who had been caught, and was now being interrogated. Magnus’s eyes were so sad.

Alec felt his heart sink. How could have he been so stupid? Magnus was the High Warlock of Brooklyn -- if anyone from the Downworld had ever found out about the Sword, obviously they would have gone straight to him.

He set his tablet on the table and stood up, his breath hitching as he tried to put his jumbled thoughts in order before speaking. He truly hoped that after explaining, Magnus would understand why he did what he did.

But he could feel it. The tension between them. He could tell, by looking at Magnus’s eyes and demeanor, that something inside Magnus had already been broken. 

He had done the one thing to Magnus that he had swore that he would never do. The one thing that Magnus had hated about everyone else -- 

He had broken his trust. 

Nonetheless he had to try to recify things. “I can explain,” Alec said quickly.

Magnus couldn’t keep it in anymore. 

“You knew about the Sword.” His head was cocked on one side, his eyes piercing as he looked at Alec. Alec winced at the direct gaze. 

“I just found out, I swear,” Alec pleaded.

Those words hit Magnus directly in the gut. It was as if he had been stabbed. Regardless, Magnus did his best to keep his expression even. 

Those were the words he never thought he would hear from Alec regarding this issue.

Alec had lied to him. Luke had been right. Alec had known. 

Alec had chosen to keep this from him. 

Magnus felt tears come into his eyes. He had never thought that Alec would have kept this from him – ever.

“When? When did you know? Tonight, when I talked about trust, did you know then?” His voice was tight.

Alec lowered his head; those words hit Alec like a punch right in his chest. Now was the time. No more lies…

He inhaled deeply. “I did,” he admitted quietly.

Magnus drew his breath in, diverting his gaze. 

A cold silence developed between them -- the truth was sitting right in front of them now, like some weight that couldn't be fathomed.

“Okay,” Magnus said curtly. His dark eyes were flashing.

It was evident how much his words had hurt Magnus. Even if his efforts proved futile, he needed to try to alleviate things. 

“Look, I was worried that if the Downworld found out, there would be widespread panic. It could have led to a rebellion,” Alec attempted to explain. “And –"

“And you didn't trust me to stay quiet??!” Magnus snapped back.

Magnus could feel his rage welling up within him. How could Alec be so insulting toward him?! Magnus was a leader -- he would never have called Alec out in that manner, or put everyone in such a precarious position, especially since he was the Head of the New York Institute. 

“I didn't say that,” Alec protested. “I didn't want to ask you to keep a secret from your own people. That wouldn't be fair to you.”

Magnus was stunned. Had Alec really just said that? Had he tried to convince Magnus that he had lied for Magnus’s own good? 

Magnus was really angry now. Centuries of lies, false excuses, and explanations were now unfolding in front of his eyes. Fury and pain mixed inside his heart. He gasped at how strongly these were gripping his heart right now. 

This was his worst nightmare come true.

Magnus had believed in Alec, heart and soul. He had really believed that Alec could be different -- different from all the other Shadowhunters he had met. 

But miracles never happened in true life. Well, not in his, anyway. 

He had been a fool to ever believe it. 

Alec watched Magnus closely. 

Suddenly he became acutely aware that there was no fixing this. 

He had lost sight of everything. 

And especially the important thing in a relationship. Trust. 

He had let his duty to the Clave, his obedience and guilt triggered by his father, and everything else cloud his judgment. In doing so, he had lost focus of the only person that had ever been important to him – he one he loved. 

He knew that Magnus had been betrayed by many before him. And now he had just become part of that. 

“You're just like the Clave, making promises that you never intended to keep. Transparency? Yea, right.”

Alec winced as his own words were thrown back at him. He _had_ promised total transparency, as he led that first meeting with the Downworld Council. He had promised that things would be different this time, than before.

The words stung. Looking at Magnus’s eyes, filled with angry tears, hit Alec to the bone.

He loved Magnus. How could have he done this to him?

"Magnus, Magnus,” he pleaded feebly. “Don't make this personal…"

He wanted to find the right words to fix everything. 

"How can I not make it personal?" Magnus shot back, his voice hitching in irritation.

As Magnus raised his voice, Alec put his finger in front of his lips, he didn't want anyone to hear their conversation and that gesture just drove Magnus mad even more. Magnus couldn’t care less how loud he was.

"Valentine wants me dead!” Magnus bellowed. “He wants all of us dead…"

"I know…"

"And after I bared my heart and soul -- I told you things I've never told anyone…You looked at me straight in the eye -- and lied." Magnus’s voice had lowered to a cold, careful, and calculated pitch while telling Alec those last words. 

They hit Alec straight in the heart, and it was so painful that Alec winced.

"I didn't....” Alec trailed off, his voice quiet now, stuttering in pain. _I've ruined everything_ , he realized, his eyes filling up with tears.

Magnus was done making excuses for Alec. He couldn't believe that Alec had put so little faith in him, choosing instead to deceive him. 

Magnus had believed in him, even talked to all the leaders and gotten them to support Alec, despite their initial mistrust at him being a Shadowhunter.

"I guess it runs in the family," Magnus retorted sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Hey..." Alec whispered. Magnus, he wanted to say. It's me, Alec. Please forgive me. I love you...Please.

Magnus turned his back to Alec and started to walk away from him. Frantic, Alec called after him.

"Hey, that's not fair…. Magnus!" he blubbered, not knowing what else to say. He hoped he would stop and turn around, even if to acknowledge him.

But Magnus had already been heading down the corridor, and out of earshot. His back was rigid and straight, his head lifted high, his eyes darkened with wrath.

No Shadowhunter would make him look like a fool. No Shadowhunter would ever make him look the fool – ever again, he thought, darkly.

Alec needed to chase Magnus down, _now_. He could not leave it like this! Alec stood up from his chair and started to walk. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in his chest – so painful that it made him double over and gasp. 

He clutched at the back of the chair to steady himself, still gasping.

"Ughhh,” he moaned, clutching at his chest, as another spasm hit him. 

"Magnus, Magnus -- I'm sorry," he all but whispered to himself, the pain too great for him to try to carry his voice.

Defeatedly he sat back down in his chair, and the pain slowly ebbed away. 

However, the emotional pain he felt in his heart still remained. 

…

As he left Alec’s office, Magnus immediately sent a fire message to Luke letting him know he needed to see him at once, and to meet him at the loft.

He was fully aware of the severity of the situation. The threat to the Downworld was more important than his broken heart. 

They had to find a solution – quickly.

As he stood outside the Institute, anger curled hot and unstoppable in his gut, like a blazing inferno that wanted to burn him from the inside out, making him clench his teeth together.

That was the type of anger Magnus hadn’t felt in a long time. 

This was the worst kind of anger – the most dangerous, the most hurtful. The deepest, which originated from a source of deep sorrow and disappointment. 

He could feel the tears well up in his eyes, but he pushed them back. He had swore to himself that he would have never let anyone have that type of power over him ever again. He would not be broken, lest of all by a Shadowhunter.

Their relationship had been beautiful, though, allowing Magnus slight hope, and he had opened himself up again – only to be shot down. 

Well, _never again_.

Pushing thoughts of the relationship aside, he flicked his fingers. Blue sparks arose from his fingers and he waved his hands in a flourish to create a portal. 

Taking a deep breath, he walked right through. 

….

Luke was already there, waiting for him at the loft.

Magnus blew open the door and slammed it behind him. Then he started pacing furiously back and forth.

Luke had never seen Magnus so agitated before. 

Slowly he managed to get the news out from Magnus; Alec had lied to Magnus about the Soul Sword. 

M, so he had been right about that. But _still_ \-- 

“Magnus, calm down” Luke said gently.

He himself had not been that surprised that Alec had gone that route. As a former Shadowhunter, Luke knew the ways of the Nephilim. Alec had been brought up thinking that Clave was the owner of the truth. 

That being said, he was still much open than any other Shadowhunter he had known. Alec was so young and inexperienced, and had only recently started to open his eyes. 

“Was he ever gonna tell me?” Magnus demanded, practically talking to himself, as he paced back and forth.

Magnus was taking quick, shallow breaths, a look of great bitterness crossing over his handsome features. 

“I don’t know,” Luke sighed. “Look, he didn’t tell you —“ 

Magnus stopped him abruptly and angrily.

“I trusted him Lucian. More than anyone! And this is what happens?” he continued angrily.

As the memory of his and Alec’s conversation came back into his head, Magnus could feel the anger spike up. It churned within him, and right now it was too much -- even for Magnus to handle. 

As the pressure of this raging sea of anger erupted from inside of him, heat surged through his veins, and into his hands. A red ball of flame suddenly surged from his palm, and he threw it against the table with all his might, shattering glass into millions of pieces all over the floor.

Luke watched Magnus vent out his anger, and sighed deeply. He knew how it was, to feel betrayed by the person that you loved and trusted the most. 

“Hey, I know you’re hurting. I get it,” Luke said.

Magnus had his hand on his forehead. He felt like exploding. 

“I get it,” Luke repeated. “And I’m sorry, but you need to settle down.”

The fires of fury and hatred were smoldering inside Magnus, too much to even consider otherwise.

“No, now it’s not the time for settling down,” Magnus said. He balled his fingers into a fist, his nails sinking hard into his flesh. He raised his arm, ready to shoot another ball of fire.

Luke grasped Magnus’s arm firmly, stopping him in midair. Magnus was forced to abort his movements. Magnus glared at him.

“Yes, it is,“ Luke insisted, his voice firm, as if he was talking to a stubborn child. Magnus was panting heavily, his jaw still set firm, and his eyes flashing and obstinate.

“Alec is trying,” Luke reasoned with Magnus, not loosening his grip on Magnus arm. 

Despondent, Magnus kicked something on the floor as he grunted.

“He’s on our side. He would never do anything to hurt you.” Luke continued.

Luke, ever the diplomatic one, liked Alec. He thought the young Shadowhunter had good potential, and that Magnus should give him the benefit of the doubt.

Magnus wasn’t even listening to him. Still panting, he wrestled his arm away, his eyes looking straight ahead – into the void he had created within himself. 

“It’s too late for that now,” Magnus said flatly.

He had his chances to tell me. More than once, Magnus thought.

His thoughts went back to the night before, with Alec lying in bed with him, after they had just made love, Magnus had thanked him for giving him the opportunity to trust someone again.

He had been a fool.

Now his priority was going toward doing everything in his power to protect his people and the Downworld. 

“The Seelie Queen was right. We can’t trust the Clave. They’ve deceived us again,” Magnus declared. “Only now, it’s much more precarious. Valentine is free and the Sword’s missing. The survival of the entire Downworld’s at stake.”

Magnus’s rage started to subside as it became clear what needed to be done.

Magnus had to do right by his people, the warlocks, and form a strong alliance that could stand in the fight against Valentine. 

“We need to tell her. We need to ally ourselves with the Queen,” Magnus insisted.

Luke looked at him incredulously. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard. 

“Magnus, I don’t trust her. I never have,” Luke admitted. 

The Queen was not someone you could make a deal with without paying a hefty price. She was treacherous and self-serving. Moreover, it was never clear which side she was on.

“She’s the most powerful person in the Downworld. If we want to stop Valentine, we’re going to need the Queen’s help,” Magnus stated, his voice clearly leaving no room for argument. His jaw was set firm.

An uneasy silence settled between the two. 

Luke sighed. He didn’t want to argue with Magnus. Right now, in light of circumstances, they needed to stick together. No matter what.

“I’ll arrange a trip to the Court,” he said finally. 

Magnus nodded.

Luke bid Magnus goodbye, and left the loft. As he walked away, he shook his head. 

Luke knew that Magnus’s judgment was most likely colored by the hurt due to Alec’s lies, and that he now sought to bolster the Downworld alliance just in case they had to battle Valentine and the threat of the Soul Sword on their own. 

He couldn’t help to think that Magnus was wrong; that this was a grievous mistake to trust in the Queen.

However, right now he knew it would be impossible to change Magnus’s mind.


	3. Like petals falling from a dying flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the decision made by Magnus to ally with the Seelie Court, along with fallout between Alec and Magnus comes to a head, with unexpected consequences...

Magnus and Luke approached the Seelie Realm, flanked by knights from the Court. They had received them immediately upon making their presence known. 

And now they were in front of the Queen, bowing as protocol.

The Queen assessed both of them coolly, taking her time to look at them from head to toe.

Her gaze lingered on Magnus.

“Seen better days, eh, Magnus?” she said, with a trace of a smile on her face.

Magnus winced. 

Ugh, she always did have the power to do that, to be able to discern his emotions.

_Shit._

“So, I’m assuming…that the Clave lied, and Valentine has the sword?” the Queen said in a flippant, know-it-all, playful type of voice.

Lucian looked at Magnus, and Magnus looked back at Luke. Both had their lips pressed together in a thin line. 

_The gig was up._

So the Queen was going to just gloat in front of them, with the told-you-so’s hanging heavy in the air? Ugh, well, guess they deserved that, Magnus thought miserably. Either way, Magnus hoped this would not permeate the remainder of this meeting. As it was he felt like it was already choking him to submission.

Clearing his throat, he spoke as genuinely as he could.

“Milady,” he began, “We agree that it’s time to take charge of our destiny. We have come to accept your offer."

Magnus held his breath and waited. The Queen remained expressionless, her gaze falling upon Magnus as he said those words. She eyed him appraisingly for what seemed like an eternity. Do not break the gaze or break out of posture, Magnus thought to himself. 

The worst thing one could do was to appear weak to the Queen. She would play that like a fiddle.

The Queen nodded finally.

“Good,” she stated. Magnus had started to speak. But the Queen apparently was not finished…

“But we do it _our_ way. _No more playing by the Clave’s rules_ ,” she declared, straightening her shoulders and giving them a shake, causing her ruby red hair to toss about and cascade back into place behind her shoulders.

Lucian and Magnus exchanged looks. 

Oh boy, their look seemed to say. Here comes the long awaited grudges.

They hadn’t come here to follow through on a age-old grudge. This was an immediate action due to this new information – that the Soul Sword was MIA. 

Lucian was the first one to speak up.

“With all due respect your Highness,” he stated slowly, ”We did not come here to start a war with the Shadowhunters –”

“The Shadowhunters want us _dead_ ,” the Queen shot back. “You think it’s an _accident_ that they lost Valentine?” 

There was nothing either Lucian or Magnus could say. That was a fact. Valetnine DID want them all dead..

“And what of the Clave? Surely you don’t trust them,” the Queen argued. She bestowed hard stares at both Magnus and Luke.

Lucian seemed to consider his words carefully. “I don’t trust the Clave. But I trust Clary. Clary stated that she and Jace recovered the Mortal Mirror to protect the Downworld against Valentine,” he declared. It was the truth.

“Your love for the Shadowhunters weakens you, that’s why your pack lost so many wolves,” the Queen retorted, and Lucian winced. 

Damn, low blow. But direct, Magnus thought, feeling sorry for Lucian.

But the Queen was far from being finished.

She turned to Magnus just then, a question in her multicolored eyes.

“After the lies your boyfriend told you, surely you are on my side?” she inquired sweetly.

Yea, as sweet as saccharine-veiled poison.

The answer should have been clear-cut and easily answered, especially after the hurt he had felt upon discovering Alec’s lies. However, something within him – his rational, diplomatic side -- still held out.

“I bet your patience My Grace,” he stated finally. “Breaking our Alliance with the Shadowhunters is a step that requires great consideration.” 

Surely she would be reasonable, right? 

Surely she would understand that this was years of history and attempts at peace between all groups. 

He needed time to thoroughly think this through. They needed to arrive by the final decision logically.

She sighed.

He could hear impatience in that sigh. That was NOT good…

“Well, decide quickly, then,” she stated. She walked over to the rose bushes and plucked a rose. Walking over to Magnus, she put the rose in his pocket.

His eyes widened. 

Oh shit, she just put a time limit on this – every Downworlder knew it was protocol to abide by this once given to someone. 

_A time limit --_ on deciding what to do..

 _A time limit_ – on his questionable relationship status – with Alec.

“Once all the petals on this rose turns black…your time is up,” she stated simply but firmly.

With every word, it felt like she had placed a noose around his neck, and was actively stomping on his heart until it burst. 

_EVERY. SINGLE. WORD._

“Just remember, those who don’t come to my side, is on the losing side,” she added flippantly.

 _Those who don’t come to my side, is on the losing side,_ Magnus’s brain spit out at her in disgust. It never seemed harder to refrain from making a face at her. She was so immature! 

Still, he did not react.

“Don’t let your *crush* affect your decision on how to protect your people, warlock” she continued in that annoying tone that irked Magnus so much. 

She just wouldn’t stop talking…

Magnus gritted his teeth, even as he held his ground, and held her gaze. He hoped he was not revealing the racing emotions in his head. To have gone from that breakup, which completely tore him asunder, to having to deal with –this – was almost beyond what he could handle all at once --

_YOU BITCH --_

He despised the Queen, as she stood before him, haughty and self-entitled – so, so, so very much at that moment – how dare she belittle his former (?) current (?) relationship with Alec! 

But, alas he knew, his hands were tied.

Without this alliance, they wouid not stand any sort of chance against Valentine.

He took a deep breath, his shoulders finally sagging, a glaring admission that she had won. They were going to do as she asked.

He winced as the Queen smiled in response, condescending. _I win,_ her smile and posture said, without words.

He remained stoic and expressionless, even as he was digging his nails into his palm of his left hand, which he had kept behind his back.

She continued to look at him, albeit in an aloof manner – so why did it feel like she had physically chained him to something tangible, of which he could not escape? They were only standing a few feet apart, and yet he felt like heavy chains were being placed upon his soul. He felt stifled and unable to render himself free.

Finally, after a long assessing gaze toward him and Luke, she nodded.

“Ok, carry on,” she stated, dismissing them.

Magnus resisted the urge to glare at her. He looked at Luke. Luke’s gaze back at him seemed to say, “Let’s just go. We have done whatever we needed to do. We will talk about it later.”

They both bowed to her, and quickly took their leave, with the Knights following them.

Magnus could feel her penetrating gaze and her condescending smile searing into both their backs like a brand – knowing that she had them exactly where she wanted them. She had _claimed_ both of them and was going to use this when confronting the Nephilim at their next Downworld Meeting.

Alec and them were going to be _blindsided._

*******

On their way back from the realm, Magnus and Luke had fallen silent.

Luke gave Magnus a look. What the Queen was asking of them was precarious.

If this choice of trusting the Queen ended up being the wrong choice, it would ultimately be on Magnus’s head – he would suffer for it, both personally and politically.

Luke wasn’t concerned for himself. Clary was a daughter to Luke, thus she would never hold it against him.

But Magnus and Alec? 

The Queen had been clear. An alliance with her would mean that Magnus had to leave Alec.

Alec made a mistake and omitted the truth to Magnus. That was as clear as day.

But Luke could see the conflict in Magnus’s tortured eyes, as his eyes kept going to the rose that he now held limply in his hands – the cross he had been made to bear by the Queen.

The way the Queen had cornered Magnus – by giving him that flower to hold him to the words he said in the Court.

Luke could see the anguish in Magnus’s face. It reflected regret, of actions too impulsive to take back. 

Of decisions made, now proven wrong.

Before leaving Magnus to head back to the Pier, Luke tried to help him get Magnus to focus on the consequences and the possibilities.

“We always have a choice.” _Wasn’t that what Magnus used to say?_

"Magnus, you know her offer isn't the only option. We can find another way," Luke pleaded.

Could there be another way though? Magnus thought, his heart dropping. Right now, he wasn’t so sure anymore…

******

The lights were dim inside the loft. 

Magnus sat on his favorite armchair, twisting the rose in his hands, and alternately staring at his phone, which was currently buzzing.

_Alexander._

Alec was trying to reach him. Magnus wanted so very much to answer his call.

But he couldn't.

What he was supposed to tell him? That he had rushed to the Seelie Queen because he had been furious?

And that he had come back with an impossible dichotomy to solve:

_His people, or his love?_

The buzzing stopped.

Closing his eyes, Magnus allowed himself for a moment to reflect upon Alec.

That first night, way back when, when Alec had fallen asleep on the couch after talking extensively overnight, Magnus had told him that they had both fallen asleep.

Magnus never left Alec’s side. He had been staring at him the whole night, He was mesmerized by that young, shy, introverted boy who had stormed inside his loft without any hesitation to share with him his strength.

Magnus knew Shadowhunters too well to misjudge what that gesture meant.

Alec was different, he was _more than just a pretty face_.

The following morning, Alec had only confirmed what Magnus had been thinking -- while he had been watching over him.

Alec told him that he trusted him, without any hint of wavering in his voice.

That feeling was mutual -- Magnus trusted him too.

Otherwise, he would have never left a Shadowhunter sleep inside his home. 

….

Magnus blinked, coming back to reality.

Why hadn’t he be able to give Alec just a little of that trust the other night?

His mind had been clouded by his memories.

He had been betrayed so many times that he instantly rushed to judgment.

But Alec was young, inexperienced, and knew nothing about relationships.

Probably Robert had used his insecurities as leverage and had fueled his sense of inadequacy.

He had forced Alec's hand and convinced him that lying to Magnus was the best choice.

To protect him. To protect their relationships.

And Alec had believed him.

Thinking back about all the signs of conflict and ambivalence Alec had shown Magnus on the night before their argument, he actually felt bad for Alexander now.

It wasn't so hard to see that Alec had probably been torn on what he had been told was the proper thing to do, versus what his instincts told him to do.

Alec's lie had nothing to do with trusting or not trusting Magnus enough.

Alec hadn’t had enough self-confidence and trust in his abilities to stand tall against his father and the Clave.

Thus he hadn’t fought for what he thought was right.

Magnus, instead of supporting him, had inadvertently acted as Robert did.

He hadn't even given him the choice to explain, as if he wasn't worth listening to.

Now, unfortunately, that wasn't important anymore.

Magnus had chosen to go to the Queen – leading her to give him the rose. And now it was too late.

_He had a choice to make._

Alec had been right on their first date. They were too different. He had been a fool to believe that he would have been allowed to have both.

Magnus was the representative of the New York Warlock Community, his private life was not his own. 

He couldn't have both. He had to leave him, even if he was in love with him. There was not going to be another time, nor another place for them.

Alec had a mortal life, and this life wasn't meant for Magnus.

Maybe, if Magnus left him now, Alec could find another love within time.

Nephilim love fiercely, once. Magnus knew that.

But perhaps Alec hadn’t gotten to that point, just yet.

Magnus forced himself to believe that.

********

At the moment, Alec was frantic.

He was desperately trying to call Magnus, but to no avail. Max was currently in a coma, after having been assaulted. The perpetrator was still at large.

Magnus wasn't responding to his call.

Alec didn’t’ blame him one bit.

He had hurt him; he didn't deserve Magnus's trust anymore. But he knew Magnus loved Max.

Alec was sure of it. He knew Magnus would do anything in his power to heal him if he could.

He had to get to him, somehow.

After a few more tries, Alec decided to head to the loft to try to reach him.

…………

The sound of the rain was hypnotizing. 

As more time passed, the more Magnus thought about Alec.

He kept rolling the omamori charm in his hand over and over again.

“It’s supposed to bring you love and protection,” Alec told him.

Magnus hadn't received a present in centuries.

Even though it hadn’t been an expensive gift, it was precious for the meaning it carried. 

Alec wanted him to be safe.

He wanted Magnus to have something that represented him when he couldn't be by his side.

…..

It had been raining also, on their first night together.

Magnus tried to stop Alec, as he tried to explain to Alec why he was hesitant about taking the next step in their relationship. He felt vulnerable.

It wasn’t that he was afraid of sex.

However, he was afraid of intimacy.

He was afraid of that mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing that ultimately came with it.

Magnus had tried, so many times, and he had been burnt.

But Alec had been so sure -- about wanting Magnus and giving him the honor of being his first.

The moment Alec closed the door behind them, his eyes were so full of love and desire and joy. Magnus had never felt so excited in years, so many years.

They were smiling, giggling, brushing their lips with quick short kisses, between chuckles, and short ragged breaths.

Alec hand had rushed eagerly toward his clothes, to undress him.

He had discarded his jacket and pulled at the collar of his shirt. He wanted to see, he wanted to touch. He wanted all that he had dreamt of.

Meanwhile, Magnus managed to take off Alec's sweater with one smooth move, full of grace.

Alec was so beautiful like that. Pure, happy, aroused, and eager.

He kept clutching at Magnus' shirt, trying to tear it off, leaning his forehead on Magnus', breathing his breath, stealing his air.

Magnus hadn't been many people's _first time_. He usually had sex for amusement, so he preferred experienced partners, especially with no strings attached.

And even for those he had loved deeply, he hadn't been their first.

The realization of being Alec's first time was almost overwhelming.

The fact that Alec --who had been actively denying his sexuality until he had met Magnus -- was now offering him to be his first.

And probably his last.

This was something Magnus hadn't been prepared for.

Magnus had accumulated so many sexual experiences during his long life, so many that he couldn’t even begin to count.

But this time, it felt different.

It was like falling in love for the very first time again.

Magnus never felt so desired and wanted in all of his life. And so trusted.

Having sex with someone implied the willingness to surrender, to let yourself go.

_Completely._

Alec's hands were greedy on him, his eyes and body were just screaming –

_TAKE ME, I WANT TO BE YOURS --_

_SHOW ME._

Magnus found himself lost in that sentiment and in the fullness of his feelings. He caught Alec's neck between his hands and thrown him on his bed, falling on top of him.

Alec had opened up naturally, as he slotted in between his legs, to welcome him.

Alec's voice was so thick and husky as he called him _Shadowhunter_.

Alec, who was so strong, trained, and tall, had fallen like a leaf under Magnus' touch, shivering under his body that was now trembling beneath him. 

Magnus grinded his hips down, making their erections rub through the fabric. Alec's breath hitched, as his long, gentle, impatient, and almost reverent hands skimmed down his sides to tug Magnus' shirt up. 

Magnus cupped his face to deepen the kiss, his necklaces falling gently upon Alec's chest – black onyx beads against burning skin. It made Alec quiver. 

His trembling – which tasted of full abandon and trust – was the catalyst to finally make Magnus' completely _lose_ control.

_His eyes!_

That was the reason why he didn’t want to have sex with Alec so early in their relationship, why he had felt so vulnerable and unsure.

Magnus shot up almost immediately, and Alec reacted to the loss of that warm, welcome body beneath him, pressing his fingers on his eyelids, trying to hide them, to bring the brown glamour back. 

Otherwise, if Alec were to bear witness, perhaps Alec would just leave, just like the others.

Forever.

…

But he should have known that Alec wasn't like anyone else he had been with before.

…

Magnus slowly turned toward him, cowering slightly.

He expected disgust, horror, and fear, but Alec hadn't even flinched. He had cradled Magnus' cheek in one of his big, soft, and tender hands, and gazed at him with adoring, dilated hazel eyes -- as if his eyes were a miracle. 

_A revelation. Something to admire -- a secret to behold._

_To love._

_“Magnus,” he whispered huskily._ _“They are beautiful._ _You are beautiful_ _.”_

With those three words, Alec had told him that he loved him and accepted him _completely_.

His demon side, his past, _everything._

Magnus smiled – _joyously_ \-- letting all his walls come down, letting himself go to freely love and be loved.

After that night, he discovered again what it really felt like to make love with someone. He knew Alec was the one. He would, never again find anyone to love him as Alec did.

A loud knock on the door tore him from his thoughts. He blinked unshed tears from his eyes.

Who could it be? It was quickly approaching night…

It was Alec.

Magnus just couldn't deal with him at that moment. He was too far gone, emotionally. Surely Alec would notice how sad and miserable he was feeling.

But even Alec didn't look good at all.

He looked wan and pale, his eyes shadowed. 

Still, he couldn’t receive him right now. He moved to close the door on him.

Only for Alec to suddenly speak.

"It's Max", Alec said, his voice choking, his eyes dark with sorrow and desperation as he pleaded his case. 

Please, Magnus. Please, his eyes seemed to say.

Magnus’s eyes widened at that. And then he took in again how absolutely devastated Alec looked, with the circles under his eyes, and his sagging posture.

Okay, he thought, swallowing hard. For Max, he could push aside their differences for a short while.

_For Max._

…..

They portalled to the Institute in an awkward silence full of unspoken words.

They had allowed Magnus into the room where Max was, hooked up to an IV and machines.

Taking a deep breath, Magnus placed his hands alongside Max’s temples, and concentrated, scanning Max's head and body.

Dammit. There was nothing he could do _._

Magnus felt alternately furious and desperate at the same time.

That kind of demonic magic was out of reach -- even for him. Only a Silent Brother could even have the chance to –what was it that they had mentioned?

 _Reboot his brain_? 

Right. Not many Shadowhunters had survived that.

His thoughts immediately went to Alec.

Alec -- who loved his brother so very much. Who trusted Magnus' powers above anything else. 

How could he walk back out of that room and tell him that _he_ couldn't help him?

If Max died, Alec would be all alone in that pain. He wouldn’t have Magnus’s shoulder to cry on. To search for consolation and solace.

Magnus couldn't welcome him in his arms anymore, because he had a choice to make.

Magnus couldn't be Alec's shelter anymore. 

_Too much had happened._ _He just couldn’t be._

Alec’s face, twisting into anguish as Magnus delivered the news, was more than he could bear. 

Alec all but collapsed, pleading, “No, no, no!”

His voice, harrowed and raw with grief, just tore at him _. He knew the implications that this could have…_

Maryse and Robert, of course, had already made their choice, as the parents.

And here was Alec, trapped, not only within the confines of the infirmary waiting room, but also trapped within a situation completely out of his own hands – _was beyond_ _scared,_ but still desperately praying for the Angels to save his brother. 

As Brother Enoch closed the door behind him, Magnus felt the urge to grab Alec's hand in his.

And despite all the contradicting feelings swelling up within him, he did.

Alec’s hand was so cold. _Glacial._

t was a cold that tasted of fear, terror, death, desperation, and _loneliness_.

Magnus realized at that moment how much he loved him.

He loved Alec so much.

He wanted to dismiss everything -- to not care if Alec had lied to him.

He wanted to hug him, and to allow Alec to be cradled, sobbing in his arms.

He wanted to tell him that all was forgiven, because, what he had done was not _important_ anymore.

But he just couldn’t do any of those things, even though he wished desperately in his heart that he could. The damage had been done. That was perhaps the most sobering realization of all. 

_They couldn’t go back._ _His worst fear had come true._

_Again._

The same fear he had revealed to Alec in the morning after they had made love for the very first time.

Alec had asked him about his worst fear.

 _The key to having no fears is having nothing to lose_ , he had said, after a moment of contemplation.

Losing the ones he loved – _this_ had always been Magnus' worst fear.

The premature and unfair death of his mother, when he had been just a child, had left him with a deep and uncontrollable fear of being abandoned, rejected, and unloved.

He had never been able to overcome that fear, ever.

Not even with all of the powers bestowed upon him, or which he had accumulated during his centuries of life. 

Not even while surrounded with all the friends that loved him so much.

He had been trying _so hard_ not to let himself being involved with anyone.

Never to allow anyone to tear down those walls again. 

He had indeed put up a valiant fight. 

…Only for this innocent, wide-eyed Shadowhunter to bring them crashing down.

_I guess that's why I haven't opened my heart up for almost a hundred years. Then I met you._

_With_ _Magnus’s vulnerable, heartfelt admission, his heart and soul had been blown wide open._

_And with that, his whole soul had sighed, as if finally pouring free from a prison it had been forced to exist within for far too long._

Alec had made him believe again --

Unfortunately, it had ultimately resulted in his, and the rest of the Downworld’s utmost peril. 

Making him look like a fool to everyone. 

He, who was supposed to the one that the warlocks looked to for guidance – one of the influential members of the Downworld.

He found himself slowly getting riled up again.

At that moment, Alec also happened to pull his hand away. 

Whether Alec had instinctively felt Magnus growing cold again, or whether he had chosen to just go and comfort his family sitting on the other end of the hallway – Magnus would never claim to know, to this very day.

All he knew, while glancing down the hallway toward that family unit, so cohesive, grieving and anxious, was that he never truly was meant to be a part of that. To share in their lives equally. 

It had never seemed more true than at this very moment. 

The walls between them have never seemed more distinctive and unscaleable.

*****

Alec couldn’t just wait in the infirmary to see if Max was ok or not. Clary had unmasked Sebastian. He had trapped her in the basement. Now the whole Institute was on emergency lockdown in an attempt to catch him.

Magnus remained in the infirmary, however, with Isabelle, Maryse, and Robert. He didn’t know why he was still there, but he felt like he couldn’t leave.

He wanted to be there for Alec – as well as his family -- for the last time. Whatever was going to happen, he wanted to be there for them.

When Brother Enoch left Max’s room and told them he had survived and he was going to recover, Magnus felt as if a big weight had been lifted from his chest.

At least Alec would be happy.

He still had his little brother, he still had his family. They would help him recover. They would help him forget.

He kept on repeating this to himself, but somehow he could feel that he was just fooling himself. He knew Alec too well.

He followed Izzy inside Max’s room again.

He wanted to greet him and say goodbye, he wanted to say goodbye to everyone.

In a few days. they would all know that he had chosen to be on the other side, that he had chosen to fight beside the Queen.

He doubted any of them would understand. 

Well, maybe Isabelle would. Izzy knew the rules of the Downworld better than any Shadowhunters he’d met before. Maybe she would help Alec understand that Magnus had no choice.

Magnus watched Max in his sleep, as Alec pushed the door of the room. He was panting as he asked if Max was ok. Magnus nodded.

Magnus stepped aside making space for Alec to stand beside his brother. He kept staring at the floor. He hadn’t felt so uncomfortable and conflicted in such a long time. He knew that the time was over, the petals were almost black now, his time with Alec had come to an end.

He knew it -- but this didn’t make it hurt any less.

Max opened his eyes, asking Alec if he had already caught Sebastian. The whole family chuckled. As usual, Max was the smart one. Now he was back to normal

Max was ok, the family was ok.

They were all united beside the bed, relieved and happy.

It was time for Magnus to leave.. That wasn’t his place anymore.

“I should go. Max, you take care of yourself,” Magnus said.

His voice was sad. He glanced at everyone in the room, his gaze lingering on Alec. Then he headed toward the door.

Alec watched him leave. His heart clenched again in his chest. For a moment his eyes met with Izzy’s. She stared at him and cocked her head, implying that he should follow Magnus. 

Alec nodded and sighed.

Izzy was right -- he needed to try to set things straight. Maybe there was still a chance that Magnus could forgive him.

Magnus’s heart broke as he closed the door behind him.

It was hard to leave -- _so hard_.

He would be leaving and starting a life without Alec -- without the love he had been craving for all of his life, without the hope of a future of companionship, respect, intimacy, tenderness, and warmth.

He kept staring at the rose – now almost all black -- in his hand.

He heard the door suddenly open behind him. 

Magnus quickly hid the rose in the inner pocket of his jacket as he started to walk down the corridor. He could hear his heart stammering in his chest.

Alec tenderly placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Magnus.”

Alec’s voice was so tender, barely a whisper. He was trembling all over.

"Thank you so much for being here," he said gratefully.

Magnus wished that Alec hadn’t followed him. He could sense that Alec wanted to apologize and now Magnus had to tell him that it didn’t matter anymore.

It would have been much better if Alec had just remained in Max’s room.

Magnus forced a smile as Alec thanked him for being there for Max.

Alec didn’t know where to start. He closed his eyes, trying to find the right words. He hoped that there still was time to fix it, to recover, to start again from where they were.

He kept his hands clasped behind his back, to steady himself amidst conflicting emotions.

“I’m glad Max is ok.” It was all that Magnus was able to say. He tried to hide how affected he was. He could feel his hands trembling as he rolled his rings on his fingers.

He hoped Alec wouldn’t say anything else. Nodding stiffly, he turned to leave.

Suddenly, Alec blurted out, “I’m sorry”.

Magnus stopped swallowing and stared at the floor, clenching his jaw. 

“I should have told you about the Soul Sword.”

Alec closed his eyes in guilt and regret. Alec could hear his heart beating frantically against his chest, and there was that pain again.

_PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME --_

Damn Alec and his apologies, Magnus thought, wincing. He couldn’t go away now without talking to him.

Magnus turned slowly to face him.

“I made a mistake,” Alec's voice sounded desperate, as he approached Magnus and grabbed his hands.

“But you and me, we always seem to find our back to each other," Alec told him, attempting to make his voice sound hopeful.

Those words stabbed Magnus in the heart.

He looked at Alec, at the pain that was so evident in his eyes, in his voice, and in the heaving of his breaths as he spoke. Alec was trying so desperately to keep him. Magnus’s heart tore, as he realized within himself that he may never love again, in this way.

But there was no turning back.

“Magnus I love you,” he breathed out. Magnus could not hold Alec’s gaze anymore. His heart was breaking as he realized how much love that Alec felt for him.

It wasn’t up to them – Magnus didn’t have a choice in this matter. This was about their destinies, and their duty to their people. Alec’s lying about the Soul Sword caused a rift that could potentially threaten the safety of his people, and now they didn’t’ trust the alliance.

He cradled Alec’s cheek with his palm of his hand, with so much tenderness that it broke his own heart.

Alec closed his eyes and leaned into that touch, savoring it. _Maybe this meant everything was okay --_

He had been craving for this since Magnus had gone away the other night.

For a moment he felt relieved. Perhaps they could survive this, after all.

“I love you too,” Magnus told him with the utmost devotion. However, tears had begun to collect in Magnus’s eyes. And it made Alec’s heart drop.

He looked into Magnus’s eyes. They were full of desperation and longing.

Magnus smiled, his eyes glistening now with resignation.

He sighed. He had to do it now.

“But as a leader, there are difficult decisions I have to make to ensure the survival of my people,”

Alec’s head was suddenly spinning. _WAIT, WHAT WAS HE SAYING --?_

His mind struggled to understand.

“And the only thing holding me back from doing that --”

Magnus was on the verge of tears now. “…Is you,” he said, his voice ending in a tortured whisper.

Magnus had never thought this could have hurt so much. He felt like he was dying inside.

But the very worst thing was seeing Alec like that. 

Anguished, wretched, and miserable. He could see the moment that reality hit Alec – and he would never forget it, for as long as he lived. 

The words had stopped registering in Alec’s head as soon as Magnus said those words..

He watched blankly as Magnus’s mouth were forming words, but he couldn’t hear them over the rushing sounds in his ears. But he felt each of them hit his heart, like thousands of splintered glass pieces, shattering the very essence of him.

Alec could feel the pain in his chest deepening and spreading.

_BY THE ANGEL THIS COULDN’T BE HAPPENING --_

“No, Magnus. No,” he pleaded desperately.

“I can’t have both,” Magnus said defeatedly.

“Yes, you can. _We can._ We --”

Alec’s voice was trembling now. That couldn’t be the end. He loved Magnus so much and Magnus loved him too -- _didn’t he?_

Magnus shook his head, averting his eyes. The sorrow he saw in those glistening hazel eyes was more than he could bear.

“Magnus, we can figure this out,” Alec was desperate now. His hands were clutching Magnus’ jacket trying to keep him there. He had to make him stay, somehow…

Trembling and quivering, Magnus summoned all his courage to speak. 

“You once asked me what I was afraid of…” He looked directly into Alec’s eyes, needing to make the message clear.

This was the reason why he shouldn’t have let Alec into his heart, lest as deeply as he had.

Their lives were not their own, as their respective histories would always get in the way. And they had a duty toward their own people.

They would forever be reminded of exactly how different they were.

And these differences were just too vast to surmount.

“It’s **this**.”

The finality of Magnus’s words killed Alec.

_There was nothing to dream about anymore, nothing to hope for, nothing to live for._

At this point, Magnus couldn’t stay there a moment longer.

Taking a deep breath, he turned his back on Alec

The last steps toward the elevator were the hardest Magnus had ever taken in all his life. He knew he was leaving Alec in an unimaginable state of pain.

Alec just stared as Magnus turned his back and walked to the elevator. Magnus was leaving him forever, no turning back.

There would have been no one else for Alec. He was meant to love Magnus and without him he had no reason to live anymore.

The pain rose within his chest as he stared at Magnus’s retreating back, and then that one last look Magnus gave him as the elevator doors started to close.

It was a face full of regret, love, and finality. _I wish I could change things, but things just couldn’t be undone._

Alec felt a wheezing sound in his ears -- his head was spinning, and he was sweating heavily.

He fell on his knees, his hand on his heart. As that elevator door closed, he suddenly felt everything crashing down on him, full force.

The love of his life was gone for good. _He was never coming back._

Was this how true heartbreak felt like? Alec never thought that love could hurt that much, that the emotional pain could reflect so hard on his body.

The tears that had filled his eyes as Magnus was standing in front of him were now spilling down his face in torrents, relentlessly.

“Alec, Alec, what happened?” she cried.

Izzy’s voice sounded so far away. 

Alec couldn’t focus on anything right now.

She knelt beside him, holding him in her arms. She could feel him shaking as if his body had been overtaken by a tremor that he couldn’t control.

He grabbed hold of her and clung on tightly, as if she was a lifeline, to keep himself from sinking.

Between the sobs and the almost unbearable agony, he stuttered, “He’s gone, Izzy. Forever”, and slumped into her arms hopelessly.

**********

The next time the Downworld Cabinet met with the Shadowhunters, it was clear the NY Institute was no longer in control. 

Alec steeled himself as he marched into the room, with Isabelle, Clary, and Jace. 

Already sitting at the round table was the Downworld Council from last time – but with the Seelie Queen right in the middle, as if she was holding court. But this time it was not in the Seelie Realm. 

It was at this meeting. And she was completely in control.

Magnus stood right behind her, just a bit to the right. His cold, aloof and haughty stare zeroed in directly at Alec.

That cut into Alec like a blade to the heart. Suddenly he stumbled, gasping as his hand flew to his heart, as a flash of great pain hit him. 

He fell to his knees, managing to brace himself with his hands on the floor.

Everyone stopped walking, and Isabelle quickly rushed to his side.

“Alec, what’s wrong?” she asked, concerned, putting her hand on his shoulder.

Still on his knees, he took a few deep breaths. Wow, that had been a doozy, he thought. Weakly, he turned to face Isabelle. “Just a passing thing,” he murmured. “I’m okay now.”

She helped Alec back to his feet, and together the four of them faced the rest of the Council.

Four pairs of eyes looked back at them rather impassively.

The Queen’s steely gaze flitted over all of them, like insignificant creatures, and Alec gritted his teeth, clenching his fists at his sides. 

An awkward silence followed.

Clary was the first one to speak. “Your Highness,” she said sardonically, not hiding her distaste for the Queen. “What an unpleasant surprise.”

Despite his own feelings, Alec had to interject. His voice came out weak and uncertain. “Uh, I’m sure she didn’t mean to –"

“No offense, Alec,” Jace interrupted in a firm tone of voice. Alec fell silent. “Your Majesty, is this one of your little games?” Jace crossed his arms against his chest defiantly as he addressed the Queen.

“The Institute called an emergency meeting of the Downworld Council,” the Queen proclaimed.

The look of surprise among the four Shadowhunters was not lost on the Queen, and she smiled triumphantly. 

Alec felt sick to his stomach. This was _his_ failure. He fucked this up…

“I speak on the behalf of the Downworld,” she declared. Magnus continued to stare with the same aloof, haughty expression.

Ugh, definitely far from a win, Alec thought, his head spinning. _This couldn’t be happening…_

Desperation flew in circles within Alec’s mind, and his ears were ringing. He managed to turn his attention to Magnus.

“Magnus,” he said in as normal of a voice he could muster. “Is this true?”

 _Please let it not be true,_ he pleaded with his eyes.

Magnus wouldn’t even dignify him with a response, only looking away. Alec felt like his heart was being slammed.

“Henceforth, if you should need anything from the Downworld, you should address me, Mr. Lightwood. Such is the nature of our new agreement,” the Queen stated.

 _“_ For far too long the Downworld has depended on the Clave to protect us from people like Valentine. There will be no concessions on things. You failed to protect us, and you lied to us about the Soul Sword. So now we will be doing it on our own,” the Queen said, having the last word on things. 

She stood up from the chair. “Come along, now,” she commanded the group, as if they were her loyal subjects. Or were they hostages? Clary noted that Luke shot her a look that was almost apologetic, but said nothing as he walked in unison with the rest.

Seelie knights flanked the four, including Magnus, as they strode out. 

Alec noted that Magnus had not even looked once in their direction as he left.

Egad, Alec’s heart was breaking yet again. His head was spinning, now even more than before... 

The Shadowhunters looked at one another. 

“So what do we do now, Alec?” Isabelle asked. 

She turned toward Alec.

Alec looked distracted, his face pale, and he looked like he was sweating. 

“Uh, Alec?” Isabelle asked, uncertainly.

At that moment, Alec felt like he was looking at everyone through a pane glass window. He could hear nothing but the wind that was rushing through his ears. 

And then the pain suddenly came, again. 

But it was different this time. It was crushing, crushing like there was some vice choke hold around his heart –

Alec loudly cried out in pain, his hand flying to his chest. It was a raw, agonizing sound that Isabelle had never heard her brother utter before.

Everyone suddenly whirled around to look at him.

_OMG I CAN’T BREATHE --_

Gasping, Alec’s eyes rolled back, and he collapsed, slumping onto the floor, his face twisted in a grimace. 

And just lay there, unmoving. His arm limply fell across his chest.

“Oh my god,” Isabelle yelled, “Alec!”

She quickly fell to her knees to attend to her brother, and put her hand to his carotid. Pulse was thready, and appeared to be weakening by the second.

By the Angel…

“Someone call a medic!” she screamed hysterically.

Wide-eyed, both Clary and Jace ran out of the room to look for help.

“Alec, Alec,” Isabelle sobbed. “Please wake up. Please.”

But Alec just lay there, unresponsive on the floor.


	4. No One Can Fill The Void You Left Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is rushed to the infirmary, where medics work against time in order to stabilize him...but they can't figure out whats wrong with him.  
> Meanwhile, the family set vigil by his bedside, each getting time to say their peace with Alec.  
> Magnus, away from New York, is alone with his thoughts, and completely unaware of the events currently unfolding.  
> Exhausting all options, Catarina is brought in to assess Alec, and she decides to take the investigation a step further...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay with updating, work has been crazy. Anyway hope everyone is staying safe and productive!

Alarms suddenly rang throughout the hallways. 

In the infirmary, everyone looked up, wide-eyed. Medics, nurses, patients alike --

_WHAT WAS GOING ON?_

Suddenly the double doors in the main hallway were flung open, a team of medics rushing in a stretcher on wheels , with someone on it wearing a oxygen mask attached to a tank. The code team were hot on their heels, pulling along a crash cart. 

Behind them, a frantic Isabelle, Jace, and Clary attempted to follow along at the same pace, but they were clearly exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

“WE NEED SPACE!! WE GOT AN EMERGENCY!” they shouted. 

Everyone in the hallway jumped out of their way, and gasps arose as the identity of the patient became apparent. ‘

The doctor paled as he saw who was in the bed. SHIT --

_Alec Lightwood, Head of the New York Institute._

“Quick, bring him in here!” he yelled, gesturing frantically toward an empty room. Turning to Isabelle, Jace, and Clary, he stated, “I’m sorry, but you will have to wait out here while we set him up.”

The three Shadowhunters nodded blankly as they looked at one another, and just stood where they were – shock still registered on their faces at what just happened in the meeting room before.

The medics quickly pushed Alec’s bed into the room, and medics started turning on all the machines, as others connected wires – vitals and ECG, established IV access. Code team stood by right next to the patient There was no time to waste. 

Alec was unconscious, his pulse had dropped had sped up erratically and had gotten thready by the time they arrived in the room.

A nurse ran into the room. “What appears to be the problem -- _OH LILLITH --”_

The color drained from Catarina Loss’s face as she saw Alec, unconscious and hooked up to wires, lying on that stretcher, and the vitals going crazy. “That heartbeat is way too high and erratic,” she stated, seeing it jump into the 200’s. “What was he doing prior to this?” _And..where’s Magnus?_ she thought.

“Alec wasn’t doing anything!” Catarina whirled around to face Isabelle, who had suddenly appeared in front of her. Obviously she had willfully ignored what the doctor had ordered, and burst into the room. 

And…she had just answered Catarina’s question also. Catarina stared at her, wide-eyed. 

“Alec wasn’t doing nothing out of the ordinary,” Isabelle elaborated. “We had a Downworld Cabinet meeting – we walked in, Alec did nearly stumble a few times and he was clutching at his chest initially, but we thought he was fine! But then once the meeting was over, he suddenly let out this excruciating moan as his hand flew to his chest, and then he just collapsed. We couldn’t wake him up –”

BEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

All heads turned to the monitors.

“By the Angel, he’s flatlined,” one the medics yelled. “Get out the AED! Someone start resuscitation efforts!

Simultaneously, outside the room there was an “ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” as Jace screamed, holding his side. 

He collapsed where he stood. 

“Jace!” Clary yelled as she kneeled down to assist him.

“The parabatai rune…it’s flickering. It’s so…painful! Alec!!!!” Jace gasped, unable to compose himself. He remained slumped on the floor, crying. Clary pressed her lips together into a thin line, and sat down on the floor next to Jace, hugging him.

The doctor immediately stood by Alec, almost hovering, and placed two hands upon his chest, right at the xyloid process. Immediately he started compressing and counting toward 100.

Isabelle just stood there frozen, unable to take her eyes off of what the doctor was doing to her brother. 

Catarina turned to Isabelle. “You need to step out while we do this. You guys need to contact your parents,” she stated. Isabelle’s eyes, already overflowing with tears, nodded as she quickly walked out of the room.

Catarina now directed her energies toward the unconscious Head of the New York Institute. AS the doctor was counting compressions, a medic applied the pads – one to the right part of his chest above the nipple, and the other on the left side below. The machine was switched on.

“…98, 99, 100. CLEAR!” the doctor yelled. 

The defilibrator was activated. Alec’s body LURCHED upward so violently, Isabelle, Jace, and Clary all flinched. Alec remained unmoving, and no pulse. 

“Compressions, again!” the doctor shouted, as he started pushing into Alec’s chest again. “Recharge AED! Nurse Loss, please get ready.” Everyone did as they were told.

Catarina nodded, as she willed her magic into her hands.

The doctor was getting close again. “…96, 97, 98, 99, 100. CLEAR!” the doctor shouted.

The AED was activated, along with yellow magic shooting out from Catarina’s hands, straight for Alec’s heart. If this didn’t work, then Alec was truly a goner…

…stutter (weak)-BEEP *stutter* (weak)-BEEP….(weak)-BEEEP…(weak)-BEEP

The doctor practically fell over backwards with relief. “It’s not that great, but we got him,” he announced. “We got him back.”

Catarina’s shoulders slumped in relief. Wow, that was been way too close. And even she felt magically drained. That was way too much magic she had to use.

She watched as the medics quickly surrounded Alec, physically examining him, using penlights to look into one eye, than another, and listening to his heart using a stethoscope. Meanwhile they were all conversing and shaking their heads. 

“Dammit, O2 Sat 65% at rest, even with regular oxygen,” one of the medics swore, “That level is too low, we need to intubate him. He needs to be on a ventilator…”

Alec was _not_ looking good. The restarted heartbeat was too weak, too irregular…

They were going to do all they can…but still --

 _What had happened to Alec?_ she wondered.Her priority had been to stabilize him. She hadn’t enough magic to scan for issues --

They needed to know that, in order to know how to help him.

……………………………………

“Ah dammit,” Jace swore, as a fire message bounced back. 

“That’s the fourth one Magnus sent back. What is going on!” Clary stated fearfully.

Isabelle looked at her phone. 10 messages not read. “Fuck,” she said, “He’s not responding. Remember, they broke up. And –”

Just then Maryse and Robert rushed into the hallway. Ah, Robert. Isabelle narrowed her eyes.

Maryse, however, was looking around frantically, while Robert looked pale. 

“Where is he?” Maryse asked in a frantic tone of voice.

‘In there,” Isabelle said emotionlessly, gesturing toward the room. Quickly, Maryse strode over to the room, and after brief introductions, she was allowed into the room.

Meanwhile, Robert was standing in the center of the hallway, under the glaring scrutiny of Isabelle Light wood.

There was an uncomfortable silence surrounding the group right now – Clary, Jace, Isabelle, with Robert in the center.

“YOU,” Isabelle hissed in a growl, her eyes still fixated on Robert. Robert – to his credit – appeared to cower. 

Both Jace and Clary flinched upon hearing this unexpected tone from Isabelle. They both looked at her.

“Isabelle, what is it?” Jace asked. “Why are you acting that way toward Robert?”

“He knows why,” Isabelle sneered.

Suddenly all the events from the morning came back into her mind.

How Alec was acting rather odd, those stumbles and the hand to his chest when they stepped into the Downworlder Cabinet meeting, then his very stressful confrontation with Magnus, who had broken up with him due to the Soul Sword fiasco, which ultimately led to that strangled cry from Alec shortly after the Queen had led them all away –

The fucking Soul Sword that the Clave had lied about ---

Her eyes narrowed again, fixated on Robert. 

She pointed at him. “Magnus broke up with Alec – and it’s all your fault!” she accused Robert. “Because you told him to lie about the Soul Sword! After Magnus found out, he decided to cut ties with us, allied with the Seelie Queen, and broke up with Alec. _That’s why Alec collapsed_. THIS IS ON YOU. All of it!”

Six pairs of now accusing eyes were now dead focused on Robert. 

Isabelle threw up her hands. “I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t be here right now. I’m going to get a coffee,” she said, exasperated. 

Murmurs of assent followed. “We’ll come with you,” Clary said. Isabelle didn’t protest. 

With one last glare at Robert she whirled and headed down the hallway, Jace and Clary in tow.

Robert was now alone in the hallway with his thoughts.

Isabelle’s words reverberated inside his head.

Robert’s head started spinning, as guilt and remorse hit him full force.

_This was all his fault…_

He recalled how Alec reacted upon being told not to tell Magnus about the Sword – Alec had closed his eyes, as his body flinched in defiance yet sorrow. 

And then in the days which followed –

_If Robert was being absolutely honest with himself –_

Every time he passed Alec, whether it was in the hallway, or at Ops, and even during their brief meeting in his Office that time

Alec seemed preoccupied, nervous, his eyes slightly sunken into shadows –

He had thought it a trick of the light. But now he realized that wasn’t the case at all.

And when he walked through the hallways of the Institute, Alec’s posture sagged slightly, even as he did his best to keep his posture straight like a soldier.

His oldest son always tried to hide his emotions, but at the same time, failing to do so.

And Alec’s feelings for Magnus – Robert had severely underestimated this.

He had thought it a teenage crush, that Alec was experiencing the thrills of it being forbidden. Rebellious.

But no, he had been proven wrong.

His son was in love with Magnus Bane. 

He had always been -- from that very first time his son strode down that aisle, forsaking everything he grew up with, his eyes fierce and determined –

_To claim a life he wanted, as well as the man that he wanted._

_Magnus._

The difference in Alec had been like night and day. 

The sparkle in Alec’s eye, the new purpose that made him lift his head up high, the confidence he had in addressing the Shadowhunters as the Head of the New York Institute. Not to mention the wide smile that made the edges of his eyes crinkle, and his gaze soft yet bright –

Magnus had ignited something from deep within Alec’s heart and soul – that had been lying in wait, just waiting to be unleashed 

And then it did. 

But now…Alec was unconscious, in that hospital room – his life on the line. Magnus was not here, or able to be reached.

And he had ruined -- just everything.

And in hindsight, it was now clear what his son’s objectives had been, along with his objections to keeping the Soul Sword a secret.

Alec had been doing his best to be diplomatic, struggling to make the Shadow World a better place with the establishing of the Downworld Council.

And what had Robert done? Having been too worried about the Clave, selfishly anxious about how the Clave would perceive him, given his involvement with the Circle in his younger days, he in turn had forced Alec between a rock and a hard place. He turned his own son against the principles in which he had been brought up on –

Robert had made his son lie. 

And not only that, he had made his son betray the man that he loved.

Alec had never told a lie, ever. Not even in childhood, as far as Robert could recall. In fact it had been one of the few things he had noted in his son, above all else.

But now that was tarnished. No thanks to him.

What had he done?’

Lost in his thoughts,. with guilt threatening to overcome his senses, he blinked twice, trying to calm his nerves.

Suddenly Maryse was in front of him, staring _. Hard._

Her eyes were aflame, her cheeks flushed, and the vein in her right temple was throbbing. That furious glare directed at him cut right through, like a sharp stab to the heart.

Aggressively, she stomped toward him, closing the distance between them.

_She was about to burst._

He winced.

The perfectly manicured forefinger she pressed into his chest might as well have been a seraph blade, with how hard she was pushing it into his skin. And press into it, she did --- continually stepping forward, backing him into the far corridor wall.

“I heard all of that. What Isabelle said. But I need to hear it from you,” she stated.

Her voice was cold, calculated, and demanding. “You asked him to do that, right? Like Isabelle said, YOU DID THIS TO HIM. I want you to hear you say it. You asked Alec to lie about the Sword. That’s why my baby is in there,” she said.

“ _SAY IT!”_

Robert winced again.

“Alright!” he shouted, his voice reverberating down the now empty corridor.

Having admitted that, he closed his eyes in absolute defeat. His shoulders slumped. 

Maryse stilled. Egad, she hadn’t expected him to just lose his cool... That was NOT like Robert at all. She remained staring at him, mute and wide-eyed.

Robert, with his eyes still closed, took a few deep breaths. 

“It’s true,” he whispered, nodding. He opened his eyes. Maryse was looking at him with a mix of pain, disgust and surprise on her face.

Robert couldn’t bear to see the pain in her eyes. He lowered his gaze. 

“I told him he couldn’t tell anyone, not even Magnus.” His voice, barely a whisper, was laced with pain and regret.

“So you essentially made your son a liar,” Maryse stated. “How could you do that, to your own son. After all we did to bring our children up right, to uphold the ideals of the Clave. And here you go, placing the importance of the Clave over your own son”

“Tell me something, Robert. How could you have considered your son less important than the Clave?!” Maryse shouted. Her eyes were filled with unshed, angry tears.

Something in Robert snapped just then. 

“Look who’s talking now!” Robert snarled. “He’s never been enough for you! You were always too focused on other things to even notice him! You didn’t even know that he wasn’t into women! At least that’s what I hope was the case. But, otherwise, you were all too willing to sacrifice his life and happiness to uphold the honor of the family!”

“Hey! Stop it you two!”

Both Robert and Maryse whirled around, almost simultaneously. It was Isabelle, Jace, Clary, each with a coffee cup in hand. And with the same horrified expressions on their faces.

Boldly, Jace stepped forward, and placed himself in between them.

“This is not the place, nor the moment to dig into your relationship issues. Alec is dying in there, have you realized that?” he stated, appalled.

Then his face changed. “As it is, I can barely feel him…” he choked out. Turning to them, he said icily, “You’re not even worthy of being here beside him. Either of you.”

Both Robert and Maryse suddenly looked ashamed. “Y-You’re right, Jace,” Robert said tentatively. 

He looked askance at Maryse. She returned his gaze with the same expression in her eyes.” Both of us, we really shouldn’t be–” 

The door opened just then, drawing everyone’s attention. A medic walked out, an unreadable expression on his face. He looked somber, but his eyes were troubled. 

Robert’s heart dropped. _That was not good news…_

To the side, Isabelle, Jace, and Clary all had shocked expressions on their faces, their eyes filling with tears.

A small cry escaped from Maryse’s lips, as she lurched forward, grabbing at the medic’s arm. The medic didn’t flinch or pull away. 

Instead the medic sighed.

“I’m sorry, Maryse. No good news. Alec is still unconscious and on the ventilator,” the medic stated. “Thing is, we still don’t know enough about what’s going on with him. Truthfully we have never seen anything like this, in all the years we’ve been practicing--” 

He blinked twice, betraying his uncertainty -- which was completely at odds with how the typical Nephilim should be behaving in this type of situation. 

“The only thing we can do is to wait for the results of the diagnostics and lab tests to come back. But as for now, he isn’t able to breathe on his own. So we will need to keep him on the ventilator. Fortunately he is young, still, so the extent to which he can be weaned off the vent once he is healed is high. However, the crux of the problem isn’t even that. It’s his heart. There’s something wrong with it. It isn’t responding to any of our interventions – it is exhibiting incredibly abnormal rhythms, even though we did things that should have reverted it back to sinus rhythms. At this rate, those types of abnormal heart rhythms cannot be sustained for long – they all lead to an increased risk of cardiac arrest. Right now, Alec is exhibiting symptoms similar to patients with what we call Failure to Thrive syndrome –”

Maryse’s eyes grew wide. “Failure to Thrive?” she gasped. “What are you saying –”

The medic shook his head. “For some reason,” he said slowly, “It doesn’t seem like his heart wants to fight. So it seems to be slowly shutting down, no matter what we do. Right now, he’s stabilized, in part thanks to Catarina’s magic. But we don’t know how long that can stabilize his condition. If his heart and body continues to deteriorate and shut down, not even she will be able to help him….”

Maryse’s eyes filled with tears. 

The medic gently squeezed her shoulder. “Let’s hope we’ll find some answers soon; He is a warrior. You all need to continue to stay strong -- he needs you all to fight beside him.”

“The only one he wants and needs isn’t here – and he’s not willing to come,” Maryse muttered in sorrow.

Isabelle couldn’t stifle her sobs any longer. She turned and buried her face in Jace’s shoulder. Jace just wrapped his arms tightly around her, holding her as tightly as he could, while she sobbed her heart out. His own heterochromatic eyes troubled. 

Maryse was right -- no matter how much they loved Alec, it was Magnus’s presence that was crucial. 

Alec _needed_ Magnus there.

But Magnus was nowhere to be found.

All calls were going to voicemail, and every fire message that they had tried to send, were bouncing back to them.

_Rejected._

“We can certainly wait until tomorrow before we decide on other measures,” the medic continued. Isabelle blinked upon hearing the medic’s words, as Maryse paled.

_He meant…Brother Enoch._

Isabelle couldn’t help breaking down again…so it had come to that? 

Essentially the situation had ended up similar to what they had just endured with Max. That had been just horrific, and even more torture when they were waiting to hear if it had worked out. . But at least Max had made it through. 

Now, they would need to chance it again with Alec?

Everyone knew that when a Silent Brother had to be summoned to the bedside of the sick, it was an action of last resort. And there was always a great chance that it could leave the person even worse off than before, irrevocably.

Angel, why hadn’t she paid more attention to Alec’s symptoms? Surely she could have caught them in time, before all of this happened, Isabelle thought. And the weight of that guilt came crashing down upon her heart like some tsunami.

She suddenly screamed in agony, collapsing onto her knees, her hands over her ears. 

“Alec, I’m so so very sorry, Alec. Just please come back to us. I am so fuckin sorry!” she wailed.

Warm arm and hands were suddenly all over her, with kisses in her hair and on her face.. 

Maryse, Jace, and Clary had rushed to her side, kneeling and embracing her. “Izzy, Izzy,” they were all murmuring, “It’s okay, we will get through this. Alec will get thorugh this. He’s strong. He will. He will.”

“But it’s all my fault,” she lamented through her tears, and now matted black hair which hung in front of her face. “I was with him when he collapsed. I should have paid attention when he was first acting strangely. I could have stopped this –”

“I don’t think there was anything you could have done, Miss Isabelle,” the soft voice of the medic rang out, as he looked down at her. 

Isabelle looked up, doe-eyed. 

“Really?” she managed to choke out, as Jace, Maryse, and Clary crowded around her, continuing to hold her in their arms.

“This was something beyond anything that we could have prevented. With or without interventions of any kind, at least with the existing ones that we have at our disposal, this was going to come to pass,” the medic said gently.

Isabelle closed her eyes, sighing in relief. Then she opened her eyes, looking around gratefully at her family by her side. “I’m okay,” she reassured them. “Thank you so much.”

Slowly they all helped her up.

Maryse looked around. “Uh, what happened to Robert?” she asked blankly.

He was nowhere to be found. Anger flared throughtout Maryse. That bastard. Couldn’t even stay, now that he heard that Alec’s prognosis was poor…

Always fucking leaving when people needed him the most!

Well, no matter, she thought, as she lifted her chin resolutely. If the father of her children couldn’t have the resolve and strength to face up to his mistakes, she woulid do it for the both of them. And at least start to atone the errors of their ways, by being here for their children.

For Alec.

“Can we see him?” Maryse asked.

The medic nodded. “One at a time,” he said. “I’ll be down the hall, in my room if you should need anything. Anything at all, just press the red button.” Bowing stiffly, he turned on his heel and stepped away.

Maryse turned to Izzy, Jace , and Clary. “You three can take a turn first, as you might be called away on patrol,” she said. “As for me, I don’t have anything for the rest of the day. I’m going to stay right here.”

“Why don’t you go first, Izzy,” Jace said kindly, as he put an arm around Clary. She nodded.

Isabelle frowned, as she then turned to Maryse. “What about Max?” she asked quietly.

Maryse shook her head. “I think it’s best if I talk to him first about what’s happened. Once I figure out how to do that, I will bring him here,” she said quietly.

Isabelle nodded. That sounded like a good plan. Privately, she was glad that Maryse had stayed, even as her jerk of a father had left. The absolute nerve! Anger surged through her veins. 

You’re here for Alec, her brain thought. You need to calm down…

That was what she needed. She bit down on her lip, until it drew blood. Slowly the anger seeped away. Okay, she thought, feeling immense relief. Ick, she thought wincing at the taste of blood in her mouth. It was so metallic…

Isabelle nodded, and then turned to open the door to Alec’s room, with Jace and Clary following her in. 

Her heart stopped as she took in Alec’s still form, lying on the bed, his face almost covered entirely with a ventilator, his hair damp and matted on his forehead, and his skin even more paler than it usually was. 

One arm hung limply on the side of the bed, and she could see that the tips were slightly blue. 

Whatever that was, it was not good.

Tears sprung into Isabelle’s eyes. Gently she walked over and sat in the chair right by Alec’s bedside. 

“I’m so sorry, Alec,” she sobbed. “I know what they’ve said, but I am so sorry for not noticing something was wrong. I could have – no, I should have talked to Magnus too. But I didn’t. And now we could lose you. _Please, please Alec. Just come back to us_ –” Her voice cracked. 

She knew it was impossible, but she hoped he’d heard her, and that he would fight – fight for his own life, to survive. 

Desperate, she grabbed his hand, now heavy as it was limp, caressing his scarred knuckles as her thumbs gently made circles on the inside of his palm. Hot tears were now streaming down her cheeks like torrents which wouldn’t stop. 

She gasped as the intensity of emotions hit her full force. Her big brother could die. In this bed. 

Alec…

“You need to fight, Alec. Please! We need you. I need you,” she cried out. The weight of the situation upon her heart –it was crushing her like nothing she had ever felt before. 

She shuddered violently. Get it together, Isabelle, she thought angrily. You need to be better than this. For Alec.

Okay then, she said. She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths. Until she felt human again.

The she continued to speak to Alec in soft tones, still holding his hand gently.

After awhile, she got up, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand.

It was time for Jace to take a turn. She had to go.

“Jace is going to see you now, big brother,” she said. “But I will be back.” Leaning over, she kissed Alec gently on his forehead. His forehead wasn’t even warm. She didn’t even want to know what that meant –

Mustering up everything she had, she managed a smile in her brother’s direction. “You’re going to get better, Alec,” she whispered. “Just don’t give up…”

And with that, she walked out of the room into the hallway. She looked at Jace. 

“Your turn,” she said. Jace nodded. He turned to Clary, gesturing for her to come along. Clary shook her head. “You’re his parabatai. Go have your time with him. Let me stay here and keep Izzy company,” she said softly.

Jace regarded Clary with a loving smile. “Okay,” he whispered. 

Striding forward, he opened the door and went in. 

Jace had always regarded himself as strong in mind and will, and would normally be able to withstand anything in front of himself, no matter how grotesque the size or sight of his adversary. Not even the most horrendous or hellish scenes could faze him, ever.

And yet…seeing Alec the way he was, just lying there, nearly lifeless – with only the ventilator on his face and the wires connecting him to machines that were keeping him alive…it threatened to _break_ him.

“Parabatai,” he said, his voice choking, as his hand flew to his hand in horror. He recalled all the times during patrols, where he had rushed to Alec’s side, upon feeling Alec’s soul call out to him -- as Alec was nearing possible death. But this time, it was far worse. There were no reasonable explanations, no thing that could account for what was happening to him. 

Alec was strong, and like most Nephilim, they just didn’t succumb to disease that would normally befall most Mundanes. And yet here he was, afflicted with something that even their medics couldn’t solve. 

Jace suddenly felt angry, as his mind replayed all that happened in the past few weeks. His lips formed into the shape of a snarl as the thought of Robert entered his mind.

“He should never asked you to lie to Magnus, Alec,” he whispered. “Robert was completely in the wrong. He put you in such a horrible position, to have to lie to the one you love. And we know you, Alec, you don’t lie. You have never lied. You aren’t like me, I could lie like the day is long, to get my way, or to get myself out of a situation of my own making. But never you, Alec.” He shook his head, as he ran his hand through his hair and sighing.

“I wish you had come to me, Alec,:” he said in a sorrowful tone of voice. “No wonder why Magnus had gotten so angry with you, and us – that he’s not answering his fire messages or phone calls. Angel, I hate Robert so much for what he’s done to you – to all of us. And that bastard didn’t’ even have the guts to stay and see what’s he done to you. No, he just left you here. “

Jace angrily balled his hands into fists at his sides. He’d never hated Robert more than he had at this very moment.

Then in the next minute, he sighed, relaxing his hands. He slowly made his way over until he was right next to Alec, looking down at hm. 

“I swear to you, Alec. I will go and find Magnus. No matter what it takes. No matter what I need to say or do to get through to him. I will. Because you need him. Angel, we all need right now,” he whispered.

“Just hang in there, okay?” Jace said pleadingly, as tears sprang into his eyes. 

He couldn’t take much more. He needed his parabatai back, by his side. His heart was breaking…

Jace nodded. He got up from his chair, and looked at Alec as he placed his hand over his heart. Closing his eyes, he recited the parabatai oath:  
  


_“Entreat me not to leave thee,_

_Or return from following after thee—_

_For whither thou goest, I will go,_

_And where thou lodgest, I will lodge._

_Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God._

_Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried._

_The Angel do so to me, and more also,_

_If aught but death part thee and me._

As he finished, tears had already slipped past his eyes, and were falling down his cheeks.

“I will find Magnus, my brother. I promise,” he swore.

He looked up at Isabelle, who had a look of understanding on her face, also streaked with tears.

Sighing, he wiped his face with the back of his hand, and walked to Isabelle as they both left the room.

Maryse and her children exchanged hugs outside in the hallway, and then they turned to walk down the hallway.

……………………………

Maryse was now standing there alone.

Looking at the closed room, her heart in her chest, she steeled herself before stepping forward and walking into the room.

There laid her boy, so still, unnatural still, on the hospital bed – half his face covered by the ventilator.

Her vision blurred as tears slipped past her eyes and trailed down her face. Her heart was suddenly pounding so fiercely against the wall of her chest, it made her gasp. 

The other day, it was Max, her youngest, who was unconscious, and fighting for his life in bed. 

And now…it was Alec. Her oldest.

He was braving this fight alone – there was nothing she could do.

 _Did we do this to you?_ she wondered, as a sense of horror started to overtake her. _How could we have let you do this to yourself?_

How had she lost sight of what was important? In a flash, all that she knew – the upbringing that the Clave instilled upon them, along with how Alec had grown up, then flashes of him finally claiming not only who he was, but who he had chosen to love (Magnus) – flashed before her eyes. 

It made her head spin. Guilt and remorse flooded her veins.

Gingerly she sat down on the edge of the bed, forcing herself to look at him, now in this precarious state – damning herself for allowing him to end up like this.

He was not supposed to end up like this!

“I know we haven’t had the best relationship, but you are still my oldest boy,” she whispered, as a tidal wave of emotion crashed over her. “And I don’t deserve you. Despite everything that we threw at you, you still retained your sense of humor, honesty, respect, and capacity to put aside differences at times when sorely needed. The way you hugged me the other night, after you realized Robert had cheated on me, putting all your hatred and our misunderstandings behind, letting your arms comfort me and hold me when I needed the most -- it had shocked me. I think that was when I finally realized how honorable you were and are as a person in your own right. And I am so very proud of you.” 

She swallowed and licked her lips before talking to him again.

“I know this is too little, too late,” she began, her voice choking, “But if there was even a remote possibility that you are able to hear what I’m saying right now, I am sorry it took me – us--- so long to see how precious and wonderful you are. You are a rare gem. And Magnus saw that in you – even before we did. And I guess I was angry -- even envious – that he was able to pick up on this, when we had been unable to do so our whole lives. You are so incredible, compassionate and humble – and so immensely brave, far beyond your years, and also far beyond what you have had to endure, with the teachings of the Clave. Out of all my children, you have been the bravest. Jace may have the agility and skills, and Isabelle the fierceness of a dragon, but you – you have all of that, along with fighting the entire establishment, a society of prejudice, for everything that you believe in – yourself, the ones you love, and making the world accept and respect who you are. There is no greater bravery or accomplishment that one could hope to achieve in one’s life.”

She paused for a moment to wipe at her eyes.

“Me and Robert, we made many mistakes in our lives. But you are different, Alec. Never let anyone bring you down or devalue you. You have fought our stubbornness and hypocrisy with absolute determination, you stood upright even when things were crumbling around you. You have always been a shy, introverted child and I was always worried that you could never shine as Jace did. But now I know, we all shine in different ways. Some of us shine from a blinding, striking, almost hurting light. Others, as you, spread a comforting, reassuring, encompassing glow all around them. I forgot how beautiful your smile was. You stopped smiling many years ago, and I just got used to that. But now – now, that wonderful smiles has reappeared, as Magnus has come forth by your side – I feel a sense of shame that we were the ones who held you back, to make you believe that you could not be yourself. At the same time I also feel a sense of pride, that you fought to claim what was rightfully yours.”

She closed her eyes for a brief moment to collect her thoughts. 

“I should have told you before. But for what it’s worth now, I am honored to call you my son,” she whispered. She leaned over the bed to place a tender kiss on Alec’s forehead. Her lips met cool, clammy skin. 

She winced, as the tears started flowing again. 

She then shifted the chair so she could put her head on Alec’s chest. Then she closed her eyes, concentrating as she attempted to catch Alec’s feeble sounding heartbeat.

……

Ten fire messages – returned -- and eleven calls straight to voicemail. Incessant buzzing from text messages, left unread. _Ugh, that infernal buzzing!_

After awhile Magnus had had enough, and turned off his phone. 

_AND_ had portalled himself to his home in London. 

Away from the mess with Valentine and the Seelie Queen

Away from the Institute. 

Away from Alec.

_Alec._

Magnus was still feeling the echoes from the Downworld Council meeting -- of Alec’s trembling voice, the absolute weight of Alec’s pleading stares as he begged Magnus to look at him – and Magnus having to just remain emotionless and unresponsive, having to concede to the wishes of the Queen, as they were now allied with her.

And was it his imagination – or had Alec looked paler than he ever had?

_Lillith, it had hurt so badly to not respond._

He had to stay away from Alec -- from all of them, for as long as he could. If he was needed back there, the Queen would notify him. She was the only one to whom Magnus’ wards and protections had left access.

He didn’t feel like talking to anyone -- not Luke, not Raphael. Not even Catarina.

Magnus just needed this time to collect himself. 

He was in pain.

It had been such a long time since he had experienced this type of pain and betrayal. 

Yes, he knew he had hurt Alec by breaking up with him. 

But Alec had hurt him too, by lying about the Soul Sword, when he knew it would threaten the lives of those around him.

Breaking up with him had been the best decision for everyone, and to side with the Queen.

It was the only way to protect the Downworld.

It was also the only way to push Alec far away enough to convince him not to search for him anymore, not to try to have him anymore.

Alec woulid recover sooner or later. He would someday find someone more like him, that his family could accept – a good Shadowhunter. It was for the best.

_Or at least that was what he kept telling himself._

Still, Magnus collapsed onto his knees where he stood -- unable to stop the tears which were now falling down his face.

……………………

_Two days later_

The medics still had no answers about Alec’s condition.

While he had not worsened, he was definitely not improving. And his heartbeat was just a bit weaker than before.

Brother Enoch was standing above Alec, his hands on his temples, deep in concentration.

Outside in the hallway, Maryse, Isabelle, and Jace hugged one another, waiting anxiously. 

It seemed to take an eternity…

Isabelle turned to Maryse. “Alec should be fine, after this, right?” she said worriedly, looking at her mother’s face. “It worked for Max, so he should be fine…”

Maryse looked into Isabelle’s eyes, dark with worry.

She didn’t know. 

For the very first time, she was not able to provide complete reassurance...

“I-I hope so,” she whispered. She drew Isabelle close and kissed the top of her head. “Angel, I hope so.”

The door suddenly opened. Brother Enoch was standing before them.

“Brother Enoch…,” Maryse whispered. She waited for him to speak.

She held her breath.

The dark voice resonated in their heads. 

_This is not demonic. I can’t do anything to help him. It’s…ancient and dark magic. I’m sorry._

And then – he turned and walked away from them. 

The three of them – Maryse, Isabelle, and Jace remained rooted where they were, mouths half open in shock and horror.

Then they all burst into tears. 

Angrily, Jace pulled away, pacing around furiously. 

“Where the hell is Magnus?” Jace shouted, punching the wall with his fist in frustration. “Why isn’t he responding to our calls? To our messages? I even went to the loft yesterday. He’s not even there!”

Then he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. It was Isabelle. 

“Jace,” she said softly. “Magnus has no idea what’s happened. He broke up with Alec, that’s why he’s not answering. You know this. Anyway, we can’t count on him, not now.” 

She furrowed her brows in concentration. 

“I know who might be able to help,” she said. “Catarina Loss. She was just here the other day. I will send her a fire message. She cares about Alec. She will come.”

She looked at Maryse and Jace, who both had expressions of resignation on their faces.

It was as good a ploy as any. They had no other options. If they didn’t find any alternative solutions. Alec was possibly going to die.

Isabelle quickly scribbled a fire message, and sent it off. 

They huddled together in the hallway, waiting.

…..

They didn’t need to wait long. 

Catarina had been chatting with the medics in the conference room when she had gotten the fire message. She had quickly excused herself, and was soon heading down the hallway toward the trio.

“Any word?” she asked. “Was Brother Enoch able to do anything?”

From the look on their faces, she knew.

“He couldn’t do anything, could he,” she said. It was a rhetorical statement. If Brother Enoch had been effective, they would not have called her…”

Isabelle shook her head. “He said it wasn’t demonic,” she said. 

She looked at Catarina. “I was wondering…if you could scan him for us?” she faltered.

Catarina smiled gently. “Of course,” she said. “Come with me.”

They all headed toward the room, and went in.

Catarina walked over to the head of the bed, and raised both her arms over Alec’s head and chest. Concentrating with all her might, she willed magic into her hands. Soon ribbons of bright yellow waves flowed toward Alec, engulfing him head to toe.

She focused her concentration upon Alec’s heart. Dammit, she thought. Brother Enoch was right. It was dark magic, something she couldn’t handle on her own.

If only Magnus was here…

She filed that thought away for later. Right now, Alec was the way in a precarious situation.

He was the priority.

“Brother Enoch was right, Isabelle,” Catarina stated, looking up at the anxious faces around her. “It’s powerful, black magic.” 

She paused. “I wanted to ask you something,” she said. “In the days prior to the Cabinet meeting, did Alec show nay signs of pain, discomfort or anything unusual?”

Six pairs of eyes looked at one another. Isabelle spoke up. “I caught him clutching his chest in pain, more than once,” Isabelle stated. “I think it all started shortly after Magnus had discovered he had lied to him, and he had stormed out of the office.”

Catarina remained silent, lost in her thoughts.

“Ah, this is graver than I thought. I wish I could help, but this is beyond my expertise,” she said finally. 

Upon seeing Isabelle’s face fall, she added quickly, “This may require a trip to the Spiral Labyrinth. This may be a curse of some kind. And in the meantime, I can try to see if I can find Magnus. He hasn’t been answering my messages, either.”

Isabelle stared at Catarina, then turned to meet Jace and Maryse’s equally horrified stare. 

This was much worse than they had envisioned. If even Catarina couldn’t reach Magnus, then that was just one less option they had, in order to save Alec’s life.

_This was dire, indeed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CH 5 to come!


	5. The Curse of the Broken Hearted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec -- is still in a coma, and his condition is not improving. Desperate, Brother Enoch is sent to him at the last resort. After delving deeply into the matter, he's able to tell the family what's wrong with Alec.
> 
> Meanwhile, Magnus is still in hiding -- trying to convalesce from too many things hitting him at once, including an unexpected betrayal by an ally which could have adverse ramifications in his position in the Downworld...
> 
> Still not able to locate Magnus, Catarina -- with Isabelle by her side -- travel to the Spiral Labryinth. There, they learn of an old, forgotten tale -- which clues them in on how to help Alec.

_Infirmary, New York Institute_

The room that Alec was staying in was silent except for the incessant beeping of machines and the ventilator doing its work, with a limp looking Alec strapped into the bed, connected by tubes. 

Once in awhile, the medics would come in, noting the readings on the machines and checking the IV flow. 

The room was bathed in a soft golden glow. Alec himself was enveloped in golden yellow -- Catarina’s magic.

In the corner, Catarina was standing in the corner, her eyes focused on Alec as she willed another burst of magic toward him to help strengthen what was wrapped around him. 

No one seemed surprised that Alec was enveloped with yellow magic – everyone was used to Catarina frequenting the Infirmary from time to time to check in on the more serious cases. 

And as of the moment, Alec’s condition was serious bordering on critical. 

There had just been no improvement on Alec's condition in the past few days. Even worse, recent labs had even indicated that his condition was slowly deteriorating. 

One of the medics had looked over the labs earlier, his eyes widening. 

“Nothing that we are doing is helping,” he exclaimed, his voice weary with disappointment. And we have tried everything. At least his heart is steady for now…but what if he goes into cardiac arrest, again?” 

The medic looked at Catarina. 

“If it wasn’t for your magic right now, I am not even sure Alec would even be alive right now,” he stated, his eyes dark with worry. “I don’t know if he can survive another cardiac arrest. I mean, it’s not as if we know what’s going on with him. If we did, then we might have a better idea on how to proceed. But we don’t…”

The medic sat down in the chair by Alec’s side, his head in his hands. “I’m not used to having a case I can’t resolve, or at very least, being able to figure out something that can help turn things around,” he lamented. 

He looked up briefly. “I don’t’ suppose you know how that feels, right?” he said. “You have a lot at your disposal to work with.”

Catarina looked at him and smiled softly. 

“Comes with the territory and the line of work that we do,” she said. “As a Nurse Practitioner, I’m running around as much as everyone else. And true, the magic does give me an edge. But it doesn’t help in every situation. Case in point.”

She gestured toward Alec. We really don’t know what’s wrong,” she said. 

Again, she was reminded that there was a big possibility she would need to make that trip to the Spiral Labyrinth on her own -- that was probably their only hope here. 

But it really wasn’t her thing though. 

Now, if Magnus were to make the trip with her, it would be more purposeful. He was the one who was close with Tessa, the warlock who worked there. Not to mention, he would already know what to ask for, so they wouldn’t waste any time.

In this case, time was of the essence. Especially when the effects of whatever was happening to Alec was completely unpredictable. True, he seemed stable right now…but If they were away too long, who knows what they might have --- or not have – when they returned? 

Catarina didn’t want to take that risk. She looked at Alec, feeling completely helpless – it was a rare feeling, especially for her, to feel this way.

She didn’t like it at all.

“How is Alec?” Isabelle Lightwood had come into the room. 

Catarina sighed. “I wish I had better news,” she stated. “I think the medics and the Infirmary have done all they could for him.”

Isabelle’s face crumpled, and she clenched her hands into fists at her side. “It’s so unfair,” she cried out in agony, shutting her eyes. “They put so much on him, and he ends up like this. Alec always bore the brunt of everything around here.”

Catarina took a deep breath. “I was thinking of making a trip to the Spiral Labyrinth to ask for help,” she stated.

“Oh?” Isabelle stated. She looked at Catarina. “Do you really think you could find answers?”

“I can’t say for certain. But, seriously, there must be something!” Catarina said, her voice rising slightly out of frustration. “It can’t just end like this, you know?”

“I know what you mean,” Isabelle said, commiserating. 

She looked at Catarina. “You need rest. You have been tirelessly here helping Alec. I know that magic isn’t infinite…”

Catarina smiled at Isabelle.

“I am getting a bit tired,” she stated. “But right now I’m okay. I just want to put one more layer of magic around Alec before I leave for the night, to hold him until the morning.”

“That actually sounds like a wise idea,” Isabelle stated. “Could I get you at least a coffee, or some snacks for strength from the vending machine?”

“That actually sounds like a great idea, just get me some granola bars and two coffees,” Catarina said. Her eyes met Isabelle’s. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you, Catarina,” Isabelle said, gratefully, touching her gently on the forearm. “I’ll be right back.”

Turning on her heel, Isabelle walked out of the room and toward the vending machines.

…………………..

_Later that evening, at Catarina’s apartment_

The phone rang once, twice, three times.

“C’mon Magnus,” Catarina said out loud. “Pick up. You never ignore my phone calls.” She had been sure that if _she_ called, he would pick up her calls. Even though at the moment, he seemed to be ignoring everyone else’s.

And yet, the phone just kept on ringing. And ringing. 

The dreaded click signaling the beginning of voicemail came on in her ear. “Hello, You’re reached the voicemail of Magnus Bane –”

 _Shit!_ Catarina clicked off her phone in frustration. So he wasn’t talking her calls either. 

Damn, she was trying to reach Magnus. Well, at least before she went off on her quest to the Spiral Labyrinth to do more research. 

Ugh, she could have really used his guidance in this situation. It was rare for her to even go on these type of quests. 

This would normally be more of Magnus’s area of expertise. He was the diplomat – the one who traveled to places far and wide. 

She was mostly in the Mundane world, working. Even a trip to the Spiral Labyrinth was rare for her.

But in this case, since Magnus was one of her oldest friends…and somehow she suspected that, despite his decision to break up with the Shadowhunter, his heart was still very much taken with him.

Which is why it was urgent that she reach Magnus to inform him about what was going on.

Surely, if he knew that Alec was in a life-threatening situation, he would come to him right away.

But, that was NOT happening!

In the last hour, she’d tried fire messages, only to have them bounce back. She’d tried to track him. No luck there either. 

Which actually meant one or two possible scenarios – he had either gone deep into an area where he couldn’t be tracked, such as the Seelie Realm, or he was in his house in London – with wards so thickly spelled into its infrastructure, that no one could track him.

Wow, Magnus, she thought. You really don’t want to be found, do you?

He needed to know what was going on – with Alec. 

That Alec was currently in that hospital bed, precariously hanging on by a thread.

Well, actually the more correct term was that he was in a coma. 

His body just seemed content to lie in stasis, not responding to any attempts to bring him out of his current condition. 

And sure, it seemed stable at this point, thanks to her magic, which currently held him at that particular level…but it was certainly not sustainable. 

Before long, his health condition was going to decline yet again. And then – what would their options be? 

Even at this point, neither she or the medics had any clue on how to bring him out of this state.

Catarina could understand how Magnus might not want to speak to any of the Shadowhunters right now, given that Alec had lied to him about the Soul Sword – the issue of trust was a sore subject indeed. Even she was having her own reservations about this. 

However, she was a nurse first and foremost, so she completely pushed that aside temporarily to focus on the more pressing issue at hand – a life in potential danger always took precedence. 

That was what she had learned as she had risen in her studies in healing magic, and then later on during her many jobs in the Mundane world as a floor nurse, then Nurse Practitioner. 

Yes, certain actions and behaviors were certainly reprehensible, and not worth forgiving. But if that person was a good person at heart, and had not actually intended to cause any harm – and now that person’s life was threatened, it ultimately became her duty to treat him.

Despite everything, Catarina had put all her personal opinions asides – even though she believed Alec should have told Magnus the truth about the Soul Sword. But, for Lillith’s sake, the Shadowhunter had collapsed and was currently in a coma, and not responding to treatments.

Was she supposed to just turn a blind eye to this? 

As a warlock, she did hold a lot of resentment toward him, with all the talk that he had given Magnus and everyone about complete transparency, in order to hold up the Alliance he had created for that very purpose –

And yet, she could see why he chose the route that he did.

Of course, Magnus had every right to react as he did. And then to break up with him.

However, to be completely unreachable now, even from Catarina –

This was unheard of, even from Magnus. She would have hoped that he would have retained some semblance of common sense – to at least have some way to reach him for emergencies. After all, he was the High Warlock – he wasn’t supposed to abandon his post, just because someone had betrayed him.

Politically, he was supposed to be above all of that. As the leader of the warlocks, everyone looked to him to stay rational and to be able to focus…

However, hearts were fickle, and Magnus was ruled by emotion. He could say that this current decision to side with the Queen was purely political. But she knew better. 

She didn’t’ feel secure having Magnus side with the Queen. 

She didn’t’ trust the Queen at all.

Sure, the Queen was the most powerful leader in the Downworld. But she was also shifty – way too shifty for her tastes.

She knew the Queen would turn on a dime – if a situation or person better served her purposes.

Catarina sighed. This was Magnus’s decision, and he had made this decision because he felt like the Shadowhunters betrayed him and the Warlocks. 

And Catarina believed in him, trusted in him.

Well, actually, at this moment, she did not trust _in_ him –

How could she trust in him, trust him to be dependable – if she couldn’t even find him right now?

Magnus, she thought, Where are you right now?

…..

_It was looking more and more like she needed to take this trip to the Spiral Labyrinth on her own._

……………………

_At a flat in an undisclosed part of London_

Magnus sat by the window of his London flat, taking a deep breath, a pensive expression on his face, with furrowed brow.

Right now, he needed a moment to evaluate things.

He was indeed grateful about his years of experience with magic, warding, and spells. He had wrapped layers of wards and spells around the flat, so that he still couldn’t be reached.

However, he had kept an ear out for the happenings down in New York. His magic enabled him to do that, despite his being able to hide his location from everyone.

What he had learned from the updates troubled him greatly. He had a sickening feeling in his gut.

Hmm, the warlocks were not going to be happy with this current development.

The Seelie Queen had decided to align herself with Valentine. He couldn’t believe it. Even with all the facts laid out before everyone – that it had been his sick, personal mission to activate the Soul Sword to eliminate every single Downworlder on Earth.

The Seelie Queen WAS a member of the Downworld. And she still decided to align herself and the Realm with Valentine, their sworn enemy.

This was most unfortunate for Magnus, as he had chosen to align himself and the Warlocks with her. 

He wasn’t sure what to do now. 

Thoughts of Alec suddenly flooded his mind. 

How he looked a bit too pale upon arriving at the Downworld meeting. How he had fallen midstep. Magnus had almost pitched forward in an attempt to catch him, before remembering that he wasn’t in a position to be doing that anymore. 

Nor should he be wanting to do so. 

Alec Lightwood was not a concern of his, anymore. Or, rather, he SHOULDN’T be a concern of Magnus’s anymore. 

But, of course, telling one’s mind that, versus the heart, were two different things. 

Ugh, why was he so soft? That was how he had so easily fallen for Camille. 

And since then, he swore he would not be so easy to fool, to persuade, to take someone back.

And yet…

Alec wasn’t Camille. He knew this.

Which accounted for his heart being indecisive like this. Which he hated.

It was infinitely easier to just hate on someone and lock up his heart. 

But instead…

HIs mind had replayed the events from the past weeks in his head -- on continuous loop, recalling the last few weeks in his head. 

Especially now, that he discovered that Seelie Queen compromising their position and safety by aligning with Valentine. Now, in hindsight, his decision to align with Seelie Queen make him look foolish – certainly not a leader worthy of making strategic decisions for the good of his people.

…Wasn’t that the reason he gave Alec, for their breakup?

A breakup, that obviously Alec still had not taken very well, given how he had reacted. Alec had tried to keep his expression stoic upon entering the meeting, but Magnus knew him. 

He was broken. 

And then on top of that, he hadn’t looked well physically either.

At the time, Magnus had been glad that Alec wasn’t well – after all, he had betrayed him – and the very idea of THEM. If there was no honest and trust, then there was no relationship.

But, it had still tugged at his heartstrings. _Despite everything._

Regardless, he was betrayed. And that justified the breakup.

And Magnus thought he could live with the decision that he made. 

But in light of this happening, and now having more time to sit upon his decision, he was suddenly having doubts about it. 

Had he been too rash in placing judgment on the Shadowhunter? 

Alec had not been Head of the Institute for very long. Everyone knew politics was a tricky game. Especially when dealing with the Clave.

After thinking it through, he could see how Alec had been placed in a difficult position once this information was disclosed to him. Having just been transferred to the position of the Head by Jace, having to deal with this situation – must have been stressful. 

Alec was not young in terms of being a Shadowhunter, as it was known that Nephilims matured quickly, given the positions they held in the Shadow World. Soldiers, leaders ready to go to war at any given time. 

But he was very young to be a leader of anything, compared with all the other groups. As the Head of the Institute, he hadn’t even much time or experience to navigate things before he was faced with this crisis. It must have been extremely confusing for him. 

Of course he would need to appease the Clave to an extent. 

But unlike other Heads, he had other things affecting this – his relationship with Magnus, and him attempting to establish alliances with the Downworld.

Luke had been trying to tell him time and time again over the last month, that Alec could be trusted. That there must have been a reason why he had kept it from Magnus. And that Alec would eventually figure out how to handle it.

Maybe he would even have…told Magnus later on, once he had had a handle on things? Actually that would be a very Alec thing to do, to have all the pieces of a puzzle in front of him, before trying to figure out his next moves.

But Magnus hadn’t wanted to listen, or to give him time to sort things out. He only focused on the fact that Alec hadn’t told him immediately once he found out. 

And then pushed him out of his life, using the guise of protecting his own people as the reason for the rash decision.

It was a sound, strategic decision. Magnus knew that. And the threat of the Soul Sword was life threatening to his people.

However, he knew Alec was a Protector. Magnus initially wanted to assume that Alec would have wanted to protect him, along with his people. But the facts still remained that they hadn’t been seeing each other all that long.

He also struggled with the common view that all Downworlders had of Nephilim’s – that they only serve to protect their own.

He thought Alec was different. Well, he wanted to believe that Alec was different. 

So, when he found out Alec’s role in hiding this from him, it cut him so deeply. 

So incredibly deeply. 

And those words – _NEPHILIMS ONLY SERVE TO PROTECT THEIR OWN_ – started flashing in his head, and tearing his heart open like an open wound. 

The hurt slammed into his heart and twisted it like some knife designed to destroy and shatter every last bit of trust between them.

Ultimately, that belief had convinced him that breaking up was the best decision for everyone – even if in breaking up with Alec, he had torn out his own heart out in the process.

Right now, there was very little of what there was once; in opening up his heart to Alec, he had given almost all of it away. 

Magnus currently felt like an empty shell of what he once was – before he had met Alec Lightwood.

In fact, he probably felt as bad as Alec looked that day of the Downworld Council meeting. 

Maybe even worse now, especially after the thing with the Seelie Queen.

He despised her, for what she did. 

But what could he do about it now? He had made his decision, and his hands were tied. 

He could pull them out from the alliance, better late than never. 

But in terms of his reputation with the Warlocks, -- that was done the day the Queen decided to turn around and side with Valentine. That had made him look foolish and not capable of leading them. 

Ugh, he hadn’t made a blunder like this in ages.

Magnus took a deep breath, and sighed, long and heavy, as he looked out the window, lost in thought…

……………………

_Infirmary, New York Institute_

Brother Enoch had come by the room unexpectedly – to the surprise of both Catarina and Isabelle. 

Wordlessly, both nodded, and left the room briefly, knowing that the Silent Brothers most likely had sent him to check more extensively on Alec.

They had been correct.

The Silent Brothers had sent Brother Enoch, as he was one of the most experienced and old among all of them. 

The first time he had only scanned him briefly, which had given him only the gist of the problem. He hadn't focused on the symptoms that much, more concentrated on finding out if they were due to demonic magic or if they were something he could cure.

But now...

Alec's heart functions were disrupted, his breaths were growing shorter, and there was an unusual constriction in the large and small arteries that pumped the blood into his system.

With no one coming any closer to discovering exactly what was happening to the Head of the New York Institute, the Silent Brother had informed him he needed to dig deeper.

He had pored over all the tomes and manuals he possibly could, and also asked countless others for their insights prior to making the trip. 

Alec Lightwood was going to need every ounce of expertise imaginable for them to make any sort of headway into his case.

Brother Enoch was in the room for a long time. 

Catarina, Isabelle, and Maryse were all waiting outside anxiously. 

Then the door creaked open, and Brother Enoch appeared in the doorway.

He halted, looking around, his hood covering his empty inexpressive eyes. He took a deep breath and turned to face Maryse.

Isabelle looked curiously at him. 

Even if the faces of the Silent Brothers were fixed in a grin and their voices sounded toneless, she swore she'd heard a hint of desperation in the echoes that were now filling their heads.

"Maryse, the situation that your son, Alec Lightwood, is in, is grave indeed. His conditions are worsening day after day. Especially his heart. It’s --"

Brother Enoch paused, feeling all eyes piercing the thick layer of his bruised skin. 

Then he resumed, "This is going to sound just impossible, but his symptoms made me think about this one particular case –"

He faltered, his mind racing. 

This case he was referring to was regarding a very rare affliction, related to a curse -- something that hadn't been heard of in centuries, to the point that no one was certain whether it had actually happened, or if it had just been hearsay. 

And since nothing of the sort had happened following that one incident, everyone was skeptical of the validity of the curse, to the point where the last few generations of Shadowhunters had not even been taught about it. 

But not out of bias or selective elimination by the instructors – it was more likely because the previous generation had never learned of it. 

"What is it, Brother Enoch? " Maryse asked hesitantly, her heart in her throat. 

As it was, she had been barely able to go about her daily duties at the Institute ever since learning of Alec’s prognosis. 

Her insides had been screaming for days, her nerve frayed to the ends – at having absolutely no concrete answers to all of this.

She prayed that Brother Enoch had new information to share.

Her heart couldn’t take it otherwise…

Brother Enoch sighed in their heads, and then he spoke.

"This highly resembles the _Curse of The Broken Hearted,”_ his voice boomed. 

A trace of a tremor could be heard in his voice, showcasing how tentative even Brother Enoch was about defining this condition. 

It took a moment to Maryse to register what he'd just said.

Isabelle’s eyes widened, and she turned to Maryse. “Mother,” she said. “Do you know what he’s talking about?”

The wheels were obviously turning in Maryse’s head, given her furrowed brows and lips clamped together in a thin line. 

Isabelle knew that Maryse in the throes of scanning all learned knowledge, all the stories she'd been told, as well as all the research she'd obtained upon her involvement in the Circle, and then at Alicante at the service of the Clave.

Suddenly something popped into Maryse’s head. Her eyes widened. 

_Could it be ---?!_

She looked up. Isabelle and Jace were staring at her, their eyes quickly moving between their mother and Brother Enoch, waiting for an explanation, any explanation to all of this.

She swallowed hard, fixing her gaze upon the Silent Brother, silently communicating, and seeking affirmation.

The voice of Brother Enoch echoed again.

"It's something that the Clave still denies, as if it had never happened, to this very day. It’s not something they want the Shadowhunters to know about,

“Why?” Isabelle asked.

Brother Enoch turned to her. 

“It’s the sad story of a rebel Shadowhunter, a free soul, friend of the Downworld…”

Both Jace and Isabelle gasped, as if simultaneously making the connection between the Shadowhunter…and Alec.

“ _Angel, just like Alec_ ,” Isabelle stated weakly.

“Yes. Exactly. Your brother is just like him.”

Maryse’s eyes appeared lost and empty, staring at an invisible point right in front of her, as tears overflew the corners of her eyes against her will.

_ANGEL, MY BABY --_

“”W-What…Why? Why was he cursed?” she breathed out, her lips trembling. 

Her tanned skin had suddenly paled, even lighter than Alec’s complexion. 

“This particular Shadowhunter fell in love with a warlock girl -- something unimaginable for those times,” Brother Enoch explained.

“Alec…” Maryse choked out, breaking out in full-fledged sobs 

Jace stepped in to hug her. She accepted his strong arms around her, her body shaking as it sagged against his muscular one in his warm embrace.

Brother Enoch stepped in closer, as he approached Isabelle. Isabelle’s eyes widened as she realized that he was about to talk to her.

“Isabelle Lightwood,” his voice boomed. With every word, Isabelle felt the words resounding against her very soul. These were important words for her to heed. “These are just fragmented information I picked through my long life. The Clave has burnt and buried all the traces left of this story. The only one who could possibly help you uncover more information would be Tessa Grey of the Spiral Labyrinth. She might find something in the Spiral Labyrinth archives, I am sure. Please seek her out.”

Isabelle shivered under the weight of those words.

She looked up, her eyes meeting Jace’s. 

Words did not need to be said. 

The unspoken question lingered between them. As Alec’s parabatai, and as her brother – this needed family solidarity and approval for her to move forward with this.

Jace nodded fervently, his lips shut together in a straight line. 

Then he muttered, “Yes, Isabelle, call Catarina and go with her. I’ll wait here with Maryse. I-I can’t leave him…” 

His voice broke at the end of the sentence, and he shut his eyes, unable to continue.

Seeing Jace nearly break in front of her was more than Isabelle could take. Still, she strengthened her inner resolve. It was up to her. She would not fail. 

Nodding curtly, she spun on her high heels, walking quickly down the hallway. Scribbling a fire message, she sent one to Catarina, informing her to ready herself –

Catarina would not be alone in this – Isabelle was going to be right by her side. All the way.

Right now, she was just running on fumes. 

Did she have hope?

No, she didn’t dare to hope anything anymore. 

Rather, she just prayed to get some clarity so that they could understand, and then get to know better the kind of enemy they were fighting.

Isabelle stepped out of the Institute doors and down the steps.

As a portal started to open in front of her -- she took out her phone and attempted to call Magnus.

Unlike Jace, she wasn’t angry with Magnus. She loved Magnus with all her heart, and knew he had run away from the hurt and the pain he and Alec had inflicted upon one another. It had just become one huge mess. 

And there were no winners in any of this, only victims. 

In leaving his brother, Magnus had killed a part of himself too.

Isabelle knew that.

Magnus’s phone went to voicemail. 

She hadn’t expected any different. Magnus did not want to be found.

She sighed deeply.

 _If you only knew what was going on, Magnus,_ she thought desperately _._

_I know you still love him deeply. And I know that for my brother, there could be no one else, other than you._

_If you knew he was dying, I know you’d come here immediately to save him._

_If you could only see him as fragile and defenseless as he is now, you would never leave his side…_

She blinked back tears, wiping at the excess with the back of her hand.

Okay, she thought, steeling her resolve once again. 

Alec needed her to be strong. She would dwell on all of this later. 

Taking a deep breath, she stepped into the now fully formed portal shimmering in front of her. 

In minutes she was stepping out in front of the huge glass arched door of the Spiral Labyrinth, now made visible to her by a patient looking Catarina Loss. 

Catarina stepped forth to take Isabelle’s hands in greeting. 

“I am happy to have you with me,” Catarina stated softly. 

“I tried once again to call Magnus, but –” Isabelle began, faltering, as tears once sprung up again in her eyes.

Catarina silenced Isabelle with an empathetic look in her eyes. 

“As you have realized, and as have I, Magnus doesn’t want to be found,” she stated. 

It was indeed something Isabelle had already realized, but hearing Catarina reiterate this made her feel less like a failure. 

“Magnus has his own way of dealing with being hurt," Catarina said firmly, looking at Isabelle with an intense gaze. "Do not take this upon yourself..."

She sighed. 

“But unfortunately, what he’s doing right now doesn’t help us out at all,” Catarina added with resignation. “But at least we have this. Come, Tessa is waiting for us inside.”

With as much excitement and trepidation, Isabelle stared up at the looming headquarters of all the warlock’s magical research.

This was the place where a great deal of arcane knowledge was hidden and recorded, old and newly invented spells and rituals alike.

No one knew where the Spiral Labyrinth was exactly located. Nor could any warlock reveal the location if he or she wished wanted to survive. Nephilims could only be portalled here, only gaining access if accompanied by a warlock.

Catarina looked at the Shadowhunter, so steely yet the look in her eyes was full of grief and worry for her brother.

“By the way,” Catarina said softly, “Tessa attempted to reach out to Magnus, too. But to no avail.”

She looked at Isabelle, who was staring out at the sky. 

“Robert forced Alec’s hand,” Isabelle said dully. “He forced him to lie to Magnus, using Clave doctrines of a Shadowhunter’s duty to uphold rules and laws -- to the point where it had just completely broken Alec in two. Alec made a mistake. But this price he ended up paying…”

Her voice was trembling, as were her lips.

“Lying to Magnus shattered him, inside and out,” Isabelle continued. “I just wished that Magnus knew that. Alec loves him with all his heart. He would not have kept this from him, if he would have had more time to consider the situation. Alec regretted his actions the moment Magnus left his office that day…”

A lonely tear fell down Isabelle’s cheek. 

Catarina felt the urge to say something.

“Who knows, hopefully with our combined powers, Tessa and I will be able to help locate Magnus, together. We won't know unless we try,” she said. 

She took Isabelle by the hand and together they walked into the building. 

Tessa was standing just behind the doors.

Her smooth, thick, wavy brown hair falling around her shoulders. Her gaze was fierce but there was a tenderness in her steely gray-blue eyes that shot straight to Isabelle's heart.

Isabelle noticed that she was considerably taller than most of the women of her age, an unconventional beauty emanating from her very core as she closed the distance between them with gracious steps, extending her hand toward her.

“I’m Tessa, Tessa Gray,” she said softly. “You must be Isabelle Lightwood. You resemble your mother.”

Isabelle smiled, suddenly feeling a rare episode of shyness. 

Tessa turned to Catarina.

“Did you find him? Did you find Magnus?” she asked, her eyes darkening, as Catarina shook her head. Besides her, Isabelle’s face paled.

Tessa shook her head in consternation. 

“Stubborn as usual,” she muttered. 

She turned to Isabelle, and put a hand on her forearm in reassuring fashion. “Don’t worry, Isabelle. I will chase him to the edges of the world,” she said.

She took a deep breath, a serious look on her face.

“Now follow me, I was about to find something in the archives…” she said, trailing off at the end.

She seemed hesitant. “I have to tell you, both of you, you won’t like what I found.”

Catarina and Isabelle looked at one another, wearing unreadable expression on both their face. “Very well, Tessa,” Catarina stated. “Carry on.”

Tessa motioned for them to follow her down the staircase.

The stairs that spiraled down to the archives were narrow and there were no windows in the huge stony walls that curved around the steps perfectly, as if they had been shaped purposely to follow them.

Isabelle could feel her heart beating faster, as they approached the immense library. Tessa stopped in front of a huge ancient book laid on a wooden table.

The golden gothic letters on the book read _The Nephilim’s Curse Book_. Under the lights of the library, they glimmered as if magical.

“Have you found out everything?” Catarina whispered. 

Tessa nodded.

“I think I know why Alec collapsed on that day, and why he suffered from pain in his chest in the days leading up to the collapse, along with why he isn’t currently improving.”

She opened the book close to where she had marked it. 

Written in black ink there was a huge title standing out right in the middle of the page.

**_Killing curses._ **

Isabelle shivered, her eyes widening in fear as she waited for Tessa to continue.

Tessa gestured to them to sit on a bench. Waving her hand, she lifted the book up from the table. It traveled until it was in front of them - floating as it opened before them.

On the left side of the page, Isabelle noticed a portrait of a young girl -- so beautiful that she gasped at the sight: aurous skin, long black hair, and shimmering onyx eyes. She was clad in a low cut green dress which revealed her shoulders.

“Brother Enoch was right about the curse,” Tessa added. “Once upon a time, this young Celtic warlock girl threw a curse on the Nephilim. This curse became lost in the unfolding of the centuries, a curse that the Clave itself has tried to hide and deny -- _The Curse of The Broken Hearted_. I have good reasons to believe that Alec is affected by the effects of this curse.”

Isabelle was about to ask something but Tessa twirled her wrists again, her voice grave and deep as she spoke. 

"Spirit of the curse, reveal yourself.”

Suddenly a voice emerged from the pages, sweet, low and sad. 

_My name is Deidra, and I was born in Connemara. My father was Waterford, the High Warlock of Ireland, a powerful and untamable warlock, son of Abaddon, Prince of Hell and King of Destruction and Revenge._

_My story is a sad tale of an incommensurable love that has been ripped from me and from my beloved one._

_When I was still in the crib, the Shrine Maiden of Galway made a prophecy: I would have fallen in love with a boy with eyes as black as the night, lips as red as blood, and skin as white as the snow. He would have loved me back with all his heart, and this love would have brought us to death._

_As I grew up, no one remembered the prophecy anymore and I grew happy and peaceful in my father’s castle, surrounded by the love of the ones around me._

_Those were years in which the war and the contrasts between Nephilims and Downworlders were deep and harsh, and warlocks often prevailed._

_One night, when I was seventeen, Conor Grogan James, the Inquisitor, kidnapped my mother and asked my hand to my father for ransom to seal the peace between our people._

_The life of my mother, for my life. This was the choice that evil man put my father through._

_His beloved wife against his daughter._

_My father, who loved my mother beyond life itself, accepted the deal, and asked Conor to wait until I was eighteen to take me to Idris and become his wife. He was hoping to find a way to kill him, nullify the pact, and save me._

_Conor, who’d heard about the prophecy, agreed, on the condition that I had to be secluded in the oldest tower of my own castle, not allowed to meet or see anyone. I was given his permission only to walk alone in the forest during the days, waiting for him to deflower me and show me off, like you’d do with a ring on your finger, or a bracelet on your wrist._

The sweet low sad voice cracked on those last words. Isabelle shivered upon hearing it, feeling the urge to hug her as tears welled up in her eyes.

It was so unfair, she thought, being forced to marry a man you weren’t in love with.

But hadn’t that been the same for Alec? she thought. If Magnus hadn’t showed up at his wedding, he would now be married to Lydia, and bound to live a life of misery and loneliness.

Things weren’t that much different now, and it was a damn shame. Shadowhunters had still a long way to go.

The sweet low sad voice continued, jarring Isabelle from her thoughts.

_One day, I was leaning on the windowsill when I saw him, Liam, my heart, my love, my life, my everything._

_He was standing on the snow, in the middle of the forest, his arch still stretched between his two arms, after having released the arrow that killed the deer ._

The voice trembled as the page turned, pushed by an invisible magical hand, revealing the portrait of the boy, and Isabelle's breath caught in her throat, _Alec_ , she thought.

He had the same black locks, the same pale skin, and the same desperate hungry look in his eyes.

_The moment I saw him I knew it was him. The one the priestess talked about. Black hair as a night without moon, red lips as the blood flooding out from the deer he'd just killed, his skin pale and pearly as the snow covering the ground._

_He heard me gasping and raised his eyes toward the tower, and something clicked inside of us._

_The invisible force of the prophecy pulled him toward me. He climbed the walls and jumped through the window._

_His memory is so vivid in me that I remember him as if he was still here. Beautiful and kind. He told me his name and then we were kissing. Our eager and hungry hands quickly got rid of our clothes, and we made love._

_His body was covered in black symbols, they were runes, he said. He was a Shadowhunter, one that the Clave had expelled for being too close and friendly to the Downworld._

_I loved him, from the very first moment he entered my life, and he loved me too, with all his heart, and all his might._

_He was generous, brave, selfless, and caring. He was the one for me, and I...I was the one for him._

_I knew from the very beginning that there wouldn’t have been any other love for me, and he felt the same way too._

_It was a love so deep and true like no other had ever been seen in the centuries that preceded us._

Soft sobbing ensued. The spirit was sobbing. 

_He was my life._

_Since that day, I went walking in the forest during the days and met him near Loch Na Fuaiche, the lake of the blowing wind, and we spent each night together, in my room, after that first one._

_We started planning my escape before the upcoming wedding, since my father hadn’t found a way to free me from Conor._

The spirit sighed softly.

_I was so young, and innocent, and so lost in my feelings that I didn’t notice that Conor was following me and had discovered that I had a secret lover, and who he was._

_He waited patiently in silence and in the shades, until he found the right moment to attack us._

_‘Twas the night before my wedding, and the forest was hidden in the mist and the haze, and an unreal silence enveloped the trees and the bushes._

_I was waiting for Liam next to our lake, where he had wired a small wooden boat to an oak bark._

_When he arrived I heard a blasting sound coming from behind the thickets and then he cried out, collapsing on my chest, his back copiously bleeding, his heartbeat hectic and tight, his breath rattling, his eyes pleading and closing on my life and on our future._

_He died in my arms, without a word, without the chance to share with me a last kiss, as a wild animal, killed just for being free and dauntless._

_The sky fell heavy on me as a stone, and as the pain shattered my heart in thousand pieces, I called out to the only force I knew I could count on, the demonic power of my ancestor, Abaddon, letting his destruction and revenge fill me._

_In those last few seconds of my life, I traded my soul to take vengeance on Conor, and all the Nephilim’s offspring._

_Before Abaddon took my life away, I cursed all of them to love only once in their life, and I condemned the ones who loved as fiercely and wholeheartedly as Liam had loved me, to die of a broken heart, to perish of grief over love, if that love would ever been ripped from them, as it had been ripped from me, from us._

_I sentenced them to feel the same pain I felt when Liam died against me, to experience the shattering sorrow of a heart falling in pieces. The more they loved, the more they had to suffer._

Isabelle was now openly sobbing.

She sobbed relentlessly. She sobbed for Alec, and how deeply he loved Magnus – for his current uncertain destiny and his bravery in the face of it all. 

But she was also crying for Magnus – who, unknowingly was about to lose the only man who could have ever loved him unconditionally. 

And last, but not the least by any means, she was crying for Deidra and Liam -- for the love they had to sacrifice in light of such doctrined and antiquated beliefs.

“I-Is there a way to break the curse, so as to wind back the events?” Isabelle managed to ask, tearfully.

To her surprise, the spirit responded. 

Her sad low voice, unsurprisingly, took on a skeptical, sardonic edge. 

_Why are you even asking me? Since we died, it has never been told that a Nephilim loved as deeply, profoundly and intensely as Liam did._

“M-My brother,” Isabelle whispered. “He’s a Shadowhunter, but has close ties with Downworlders. In fact, he fell deeply in love with a warlock. And he is currently dying due to this.” Isabelle gasped as fresh sobs racked her body. 

“Help him, please. Help him. He loves this warlock like no one has ever loved anyone. This is his one true love. But the warlock knows nothing of this curse, or even the fact that Nephilims love only once. If no intervention can be found, I’m afraid that it may end up too late for my brother --”

Isabelle choked on her last words, as she fell upon her knees, breaking down. She felt as if her heart was tearing -- bleeding in two. 

She seriously had nothing left...if this didn't work -- _she would lose her brother._

Words failed her. She couldn't go on...

Tessa and Catarina remained standing where they were, waiting in silence for the spirit from the book to respond. But there followed only endless minutes of silence, interspersed with gasps and sighs.

Was there nothing that could be done? 

Catarina felt her patience wearing thin, as her hands clenched into desperate fists by her sides. She gritted her teeth.

Then – suddenly the voice spoke once again.

_If what you’re saying is true, the only one that can help your brother is the one who owns his heart, the one that he loves more than his own life._

The three women exchanged a desperate look. 

_Magnus_.

“H-How?” Tessa dared to ask.

_Find him and bring him here to me. I will tell him -- and only him._

And with that, the book slammed closed abruptly, the glimmering light gone from its surface. 

Wide-eyed, Isabelle, Catarina, and Tessa shared a desperate yet alarming look amongst one another.

They had to find Magnus.

_NOW._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 to come


	6. Find You (Take Me Back To the Start)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabelle, Tessa, and Catarina, having discovered the origin of the curse - need to find Magnus more urgently than ever.
> 
> Isabelle returns to the Institute, with no useful updates -- only to keep family company as they pray for Alec. 
> 
> Meanwhile, Tessa and Catarina have no luck locating Magnus, but then someone arrives that might be able to shed some light on the situation...

_In front of the New York Institute_

The air shimmered, as a portal emerged. A petite figure gingerly stepped out, and seemingly took a minute to gather her bearings.

As it was, her mind was completely inundated with what she had learned over the past few days – meeting with Catarina and Tessa, and learning of the curse. And Magnus.

_Magnus._

He was the key to everything. Angel. But no one could reach him, though!

And that worried her. _A LOT._

Regarding everything that happened, Magnus had every right to be angry with her brother. To break up with him, and then never to speak to the Shadowhunters again. 

But…with her brother’s life in the balance? It complicated things, dramatically. And now, Isabelle couldn’t help but wish Magnus hadn’t been that adamant about shutting the door the way that he had. In the past, she was sure that she could have still convinced him to talk to her, even if he had refused to speak to Alec.

This, however, turned out to the be the things that did them all in. And now he refused to speak to ANYONE.

Given the tight timeframe they now found themselves in, with Alec’s health steadily declining; she really didn’t know what to do. She truly hoped that Tessa and Catarina would be able to get through to Magnus, even as she hadn’t been able to…

She took a deep breath as she looked up at the New York Institute, knowing that her big brother was fighting for his very life in the Infirmary. And that her family was expecting her to come back with news.

Not very good news, unfortunately.

How would she be able to break it to them, that the only individual who even stood a chance of breaking this curse – was Magnus?

She had hoped to discover something different – but _ALAS, IT ALL CAME BACK TO HIM!_

So…in a sense, she had failed to do what she had intended to do. To find out if they could cure Alec. When in essence, it came down to that curse. And regardless, Magnus was needed, no matter what!

Ugh – she was so not good with facing failure. Or having to break the news to loved ones that she had failed.

Just picturing their faces fall upon delivering the news – to see Maryse possibly break down…

Or even to witness Jace completely dissolving into a rage, especially when it concerned his parabatai. –

No, Isabelle was NOT looking forward to facing either one of them at all!

She closed her eyes for a moment, her hands clenching themselves into tight fists – taking a minute.

Okay, she would now walk into the Institute, straight to the Infirmary – where her brother was on life support...

Just to tell everyone that they was _NOTHING ELSE THEY COULD DO._

_Great. Just great._

Gulping, Isabelle took a deep breath, and began going up the steps of the Institute slowly….

………….

“What do you mean, there’s nothing else that can be done?” Jace’s antagonistic tone of voice roared and reverberated loudly through the hallway. 

Jace’s face was as she expected it to be – red, his pupils dilated, being angry and frustrated and pacing the hallways back and forth like a man possessed, while running his fingers through his hair incessantly. 

“That’s my parabatai in there!” he growled. “How is it that they can’t locate a damn warlock, anyway?”

“ _JACE_ ,” Isabelle reprimanded him. “Firstly, Alec’s my brother too. And…you can't be taking like that. This is Magnus we're talking about --whom Alec lied to. A lie that could have very well put him and the other warlocks in danger – a big reason why he broke up with him.” 

Jace shut his mouth just then, his lips pressed into a thin line, clearly upset, and ready to combust at any time. 

Isabelle winced. This was worse that she feared. Next to him, Maryse’s face was ashen pale, after having heard what she said.

“It’s exactly what I said,” Isabelle said. “It’s a Curse that was created for those of Nephilim blood – that’s why we can only love once. And if that situation doesn’t work out, then we all run the risk of what Alec is going through – right now.”

A silence followed that announcement. Isabelle, Jace, and Maryse just stared at one another – for what seemed like eons.

Finally, Maryse cleared her throat. “Well, that’s certainly enlightening to know,” she said slowly. Her voice had a tinge of irony to it. 

Both Jace and Isabelle whirled to face her, not used to their mother being even slightly sarcastic.

“Anyway,” Maryse continued, appearing to drop the subject, now sounding more businesslike, “What’s most important is Alec, and how this is affecting him.” She turned to Isabelle. “So I’m assuming that Cat and Tessa, Magnus’s friends, are attempting to reach him as we speak…?”

Isabelle nodded. 

“Yes,” she said. "Catarina said that their combined magic would give them an edge with tracking .”

Maryse took a deep breath. “Well, then – let’s hope they succeed. It doesn’t seem like there’s anything we can do, but to sit here and wait for updates,” she said. Then she laughed, a dry, ironic laugh. “Or wait for the _illustrious, and magical_ Magnus Bane to show us some empathy and show up to help Alec. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to happen, at least not without a lot of intervention…”

Isabelle just stared at her mother, as she got a sick feeling in her gut. She knew that her mother was probably right…

***************

_Spiral Labyrinth, right outside of the Glass Doors_

“So, let’s try this again, you and me,” Catarina said to Tessa.

Tessa nodded vigorously. She, too, understood the urgency with which to locate Magnus. She gripped Catarina’s hand tightly, and then they both attempted to focus their magic upon locating him _._

“Incidentally, I also sent a message to Brother Zachariah, just in case we need to depend on him for help, “ Tessa said. Catarina smiled upon hearing that. That was so ingenious of Tessa to try to contact him. He was a wonderful resource, and also a dear friend to Magnus as well. Surely Magnus would respond to him if he were to approach him…

And with that, suddenly both their eyes rolled back as the magic took over –

Images blurred in their minds…only to land them in a general spot – in _LONDON._ In fact, it showed the image of Blackfriar’s Bridge…. 

Then the magic stopped abruptly, and they let go of each other’s hands, a bit overcome by the sheer amount of magic that was used.

 _LONDON?_ Catarina and Tessa stared at one another in horror. _And why, that specific bridge, exactly???_

Both knew of the significance associated with that bridge. During a low time in Magnus’s life, he nearly sought to end his life by jumping off that bridge. So there would always be an unfortunate connection associated with Magnus when it came to that bridge…

 _He didn’t want anyone to get too close to where he was_ , a voice suddenly entered both of their minds. 

Shocked, they both whirled around. 

Brother Zachariah was in front of them, his eyes appearing empathetic and concerned.

“We only got as far as the bridge. But he's not there, is he,” Tessa said knowingly to Brother Zachariah. “Might you know where he is?”

Brother Zachariah paused for a minute, as he too concentrated a bit to try to pinpoint Magnus’s location. 

_Magnus was quite wise with this spell, he used the bridge as a general location, to further deter those from digging further into his location. His magic is powerful enough to do that. But I fortunately have the magic to be able to go beyond this façade. He’s heavily glamoured his location, and warded himself as an extra layer of protection. But I believe I know where he is_ , he stated finally. 

He paused for a moment, and then stated, _However, perhaps it is best that –_

“…you go on your own to see him?” Tessa spoke gently. At that, Brother Zachariah turned to her, his eyes registering slight surprise. Then he shook his head, almost in an affectionate gesture.

 _You always did know how to read me_ , he responded. _And yes, it would be best for me to go find him._

Next to them, Catarina couldn’t help tittering. 

“Oh, you guys,” she said softly, in a teasing manner. 

Tessa flushed. And even Brother Zachariah seemed to do his own version of being abashed. Then he straightened himself up, smoothing down his robes, all businesslike once again.

 _Yes, well, I will do my best to find and convince Magnus to come back with me_ , he stated. _In the meantime, both of you should stay here at the Labyrinth, and await my return,_ he thought _._

“Sounds good,” Catarina said. Suddenly there was a burst of power as a large portal came into existence. 

“Good luck,” Catarina said to Brother Zachariah. 

_I will find him,_ he said. They both nodded. Brother Zachariah nodded in turn, and then stepped into the portal.

****************

Brother Zachariah emerged sometime later from the portal, at a clearing overlooking a very familiar city of lights. 

_AH, LONDON…_

How long it had been since his homecoming, Brother Zachariah thought, surveying the city before him that he used to be familiar with.

 _Now this was quite the throwback_. He could almost smell the wood scent of his old room at the Institute, where he and Will used to train, the rain drops so thick falling on their heads as they strolled around the town. The newspaper sellers, the dreadfully long walks with Tessa, the struggle with yin fen, the awareness of a short life ahead, all was coming back to him each time he portaled to the city. 

The sound of his violin, his angst and his memories, his _parabatai_ and the only women they both loved so much. Will Head of the Institute, the bridge where he and Tessa used to meet, their first son, who they named after him. 

_And Magnus Bane._

He stared out at the horizon of the home he once knew. 

Somewhere up high, he was sure, the stars twinkled, and the moon shone, but they were obscured by the ethereal veil of the thick fog that always enveloped the city. The lampposts glowed in the darkness, coating the alleys and streets with a faint golden light. Not even the faintest hoot of an owl could be heard in that thick silence. That was London, for you. 

Brother Zachariah looked around – yes, this was right. He had portalled to a narrow street just behind the house where he knew Magnus had been living during his British years.

Magnus. A man of infinite kindness and wisdom. A friend that he loved so much.

When Tessa had called him, to ask for his help to track Magnus, find him, and talk to him, he'd been surprised. 

Magnus never hid from Tessa, she had always been able to find him and reason him into talking. But not this time.

Not when Magnus was running away from something, mostly from himself.

Not when he was convinced that he had a price to pay, a weight to bear.

He walked slowly toward the main door, his long gown rustling against the ground. He was glad he was glamoured. He would have been a scary sight to run into for any mundane, with his long vestment and hood covering his scarred head and face.

As soon as he touched the wood and the door knocker, he felt the huge amount of magic infused within it. 

_Protective magic._

The kind of spells meant to confound and make people go away.

Tessa had been right. Magnus hadn’t wanted to be found. 

And when Magnus didn't want to be found, it was mostly due to him being in pain and wanting to isolate himself. Brother Zachariah knew this of his friend, all too well. 

Brother Zachariah closed his eyes, concentrating for a minute to budge the wards. _Nothing_.

But of course, the magic was too strong, too powerful, and kept pushing him away. No matter how many times he had the chance to _touch_ Magnus' magic, it never failed to leave him startled. It was regal, and elegant in its force. His signature was unmistakable -- _imperial_.

He waited for Magnus to react to the intrusion he was trying to make through the thick layers of spells the warlock had put around his house, when his mind flew back in time again, thinking about the days when another black-haired Shadowhunter had crossed Magnus' path, and how it was all different now.

And he recalled what Tessa had told him upon the briefing of the situation. The Curse of the Broken-Hearted. A curse that he, too, had thought was just a myth. So for Tessa to come forth to inform him that, yes, it was indeed REAL – it had shocked him.

Tessa was sure about the uniqueness of the love the young Shadowhunter felt for Magnus. She truly believed that he loved Magnus so much that their break-up had triggered the curse. 

In all the centuries in which he had been alive, never in his long life did Brother Zachariah ever think he would ever see the day that a Shadowhunters’ love for a Warlock would be so adamant , so fierce -- that it would be susceptible to this curse. 

But if Tessa was sure about this, then he took her at her word.

Hmm, still no response from Magnus. Brother Zachariah remained standing there, in front of the door, waiting. And then he tried again to force the wards.

He tried, and tried, and tried. _NOTHING._

Silent Brothers normally did not feel fear. But he still retained certain human feelings, and fear was one of them. Panic started to set in. 

_They were running out of time._ He needed to get in touch with Magnus, _NOW_.

There was only one last chance left. He closed his eyes, attempting to call him through his mind. Would this be able to breach the wards? He hoped so! 

_OOF!_ And Brother Zachariah _winced_ – shuddering as he sank into his friend’s mind.

_THE PAIN._

_SO MUCH PAIN._

_It was nearly unbearable…_

_A pain he had known himself._ When his parents were killed, when he had to renounce his mortal life to be saved, when Will had died. 

His friend was here, all alone – feeling like he had lost everything, the thing most dearest to him. And he needed help, even thought he did not think to ask for it – didn’t think he _NEEDED it_.

_But he did. He needed help. He needed him._

_Alec needed him._

There was no more time to waste.

_Magnus! Magnus! It's me, Jem. Please, I know you can hear me. Magnus, it's a matter of life or death,_ he thought, concentrating hard to send his messages through the wards.

He paused, as he knelt down, gasping for breath. The amount of effort he had exerted to try to get that message through the wards was exhausting. He took a minute to compose himself.

Then he gritted his teeth…and tried again.

_MAGNUS. PLEASE--!_

…………………..

On the other side of the walls, Magnus tensed, the glass of whiskey in his hand. He had been just about to down it, his fourth of the day. 

Until this very incessant, not to mention rude, intrusion hit the back of his head –

It was the middle of the day, and he was already drunk. But despite his bleary state – he was still able to feel this happening.

His eyes widened.

Something – no, someone was trying to get inside his head! 

_How was this possible?_ The wards he had built up around himself were supposed to be strong enough to withstand anything, even telepathy arising from magic. 

_Magnus -- just did not wish to be found._ Why was that so difficult for everyone to understand? 

For the next few minutes, he fought against the intrusion. 

Pressing his hands to his temples, he tried to block whatever voice was attempting to break through in his mind. But the voice eventually broke through, and resounded inside his head like endless echoes. 

Ugh, this was the bad thing about being drunk, _the echoes._

_He could not tell who it was!_

A few more minutes went by. Ugh, this was annoying, and it wouldn’t stop. Magnus sighed. He would have to slowly make himself sober…And so he did, chanting the spell to make it so.

As he sobered up, the errant voices all converged into one. He inhaled sharply as he recognized the voice at once. 

_Brother Zachariah?_

_Or, as he knew his old friend in a different time, different life -- Jem?_ What was he doing here?

Now, another thought entered his mind. _Tessa._

_One of his older friends throughout the years, who had been there for him in thick and thin, just like he had been there for her…_

Somehow, Tessa must have been looking for him, and failing to do so, managed to contact Jem. 

Now, the greater mystery was, how was Tessa able to convince him to come out of solitude and to seek him out?

He felt a tug at his heart, something he had not felt for a very long time, at the thought of his old friend. Magnus shook his head twice, flummoxed -- before running down the steps that led to the door.

His hand touched the door knob, hesitating only the slightest bit, before turning it open.

There stood Brother Zachariah, _once Jem_ , his friend and saviour. Silent Brothers couldn't express their emotions through their bodies anymore, but Magnus' swore he saw a hint of a smile through his eyes…

"Brother Zachariah,” Magnus whispered. “ _Jem…"_

It was the only thing Magnus managed to say, as his eyes filled with tears.

Brother Zachariah took a moment to look upon his friend, his eyes inspecting him up close. Inwardly, he was worried. 

_Magnus_ – one could tell he was not well right now. 

His hair was falling down on his forehead, with no makeup on. Dark shadows surrounded his red-rimmed eyes. His clothes were the most casual he'd ever seen him wearing in centuries, and he could clearly smell alcohol on him.

He hadn't seen Magnus this desperate in _years_.

His heart dropped as he came to a realization – Alec was currently dying, that was known. But unbeknownst to everyone else, Magnus had been hiding out here, wallowing in his sorrows and his pain while slowly withering away, losing pieces of himself, a day at a time. 

And knowing the depths of his love for Alec, in breaking up with him, he had lost the biggest part of what made him whole.

He and Alec were both dying in different ways.

 _Magnus, old friend,_ he thought, _I have come with some news. May I come in?_

Magnus said nothing, only gave his old friend a slow, tired nod that seemed to carry the weight of the world, as he held the door open. 

Magnus was nearly a ghost of himself, of the friend he knew. _This was more dire than he realized._

Brother Zachariah silently crossed the threshold and followed Magnus inside the apartment. It was mostly dark, only the light of some candles leading their way toward the living room. 

Magnus let himself fall on the couch, burying his face in his hands, sighing heavily. Brother Zachariah sat next to him, resting a hand on his back, waiting patiently for him to speak.

Magnus appeared to shudder silently, his shoulders sagging as the words came out from his mouth.

"Tessa sent you,” Magnus stated monotonously. “But she shouldn’t have. There’s nothing that can be done for me…” 

Magnus was not looking at him, only staring out into space in front of him.

He seemed like he had all but given up…

Jem tightened his grip on Magnus' disheveled shirt. _I am glad she did, Magnus,_ he thought _. Honestly. Look at you --_

The voice inside Magnus’s head still felt strange and somehow intrusive. _Strange_ , he thought. Magnus had been so used to this when he had lived within the Silent City when younger. 

He forced his mind to relax, to allow his friend more readily into his mind.

"I'm fine, Jem. Just a little drunk maybe, but nothing I haven't already gone through before," Magnus stated.

 _You're lying, and you know that_ , Brother Zachariah thought.

Magnus shook his head vehemently. "I'm not. You don’t know what I’ve been through. I need to be alone," he muttered.

Brother Zachariah was as patient as the next person, but this stubbornness was wearing thin upon him. 

_Magnus, this really isn’t the time for this. We need to talk. You need to listen --_

"If it's about Alec,” Magnus interjected, his voice now hard, “ He made his choice, and I made mine. For better or for worse, nothing matters anymore. There is no turning back from this, the decisions that we’ve made. I don't want to know anything…”

 _But you will_ , Brother Zachariah thought. And then in an uncharacteristic move, he pulled Magnus by the shoulder, abruptly turning Magnus so he was forced to look at him. 

Magnus was clearly not pleased.

"Why?" Magnus shouted, "Why are you all tormenting me with phone calls, fire messages, unexpected visits? Why can't I just be left alone? Why?" His voice was desperate…and broken.

Brother Zachariah winced at hearing Magnus angry, and in pain. He gripped his shoulder more tightly as he prepared himself to deliver the news.

 _Because he's dying,_ Magnus, he thought. _You love him. You love him like you have never loved anyone before. What are you doing here? He is dying._

_...WHAT?!_

Magnus’s eyes widened, as he stared at his friend. His eyes were serious and desperate. There was no way Brother Zachariah would every lie to him, or even to exaggerate the truth. 

_Lillith, Alexander was…dying?_

His heart started beating erratically in his chest, as he started to feel lightheaded. Now all the memories of the past few weeks came back to him.

_How pale Alec had looked during the Downworld Cabinet…_

How could he have missed that? How could he have underestimated that?

And then – all the fire messages, calls, text, from Isabelle and Jace. _All of which he had ignored…_

Brother Zachariah continued to speak. 

_We tried to help him, but it's not something we can fix,_ Brother Zachariah said. And that slammed into Magnus’s heart like a ton of bricks.

He gasped, unable to grasp the finality of that statement.

“W-What do you mean, they can’t fix it? Not even the Silent Brothers?” Magnus stuttered, his eyes rapidly filling with tears. “ Silent Brothers have healing capacities far more powerful than any warlock I have ever met –”

He stopped, as he realized he had unconsciously taken Brother Zachariah’s hands in his, and now had a death grip upon them. He also realized he was trembling like crazy. 

But Brother Zachariah didn’t seem to notice, or to care..He only glanced upon his friend with empathy and concern. 

_Because, Magnus, he’s not sick. At least not in the way in which we can cure it ---_

Now Magnus’s hands dropped from Brother Zachariah’s in shock. _There was no cure? None, whatsoever?!_

_NO, THAT COULDN’T BE. NOT HIM. NOT HIS ALEXANDER –_

Now tears broke free, and were streaming down his face as he thought of his Shadowhunter. 

"What do you mean he's not sick?” Magnus asked desperately, searching Brother Zachariah’s face. “What is he dying of, then? What is it -- that is killing him?"

His voice broke toward the end of his question. 

Magnus cringed inwardly, attempting to prepare – or rather, shield himself for the response. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to know the answer. 

If a Silent Brother wasn’t able to cure Alec, then ultimately there was no hope – _left._

"Alexander…" Magnus murmured, as a sob broke through his lips. He put his head into his hands, now sobbing in earnest. How could this happen? How could Alec be…dying? 

The next words from out of Brother Zachariah’s mouth startled him.

 _A curse,_ Brother Zachariah spoke. _A Nephilim’s curse. That's why they were desperately searching for you…_

Magnus’s head shot up, his face streaked with tears. _What? This wasn’t making any sense. Such a thing…existed_? he thought, shocked.

 _Nephilims love once, fiercely,_ Brother Zachariah stated. 

Magnus just stared blankly at Brother Zachariah. “Yes,” he said slowly. “I am fully aware that the saying exists. Not that it means much, but –”

_Wait, I was not finished, Magnus. Hear me out. And you are wrong about that. It means exactly what it means –_

Magnus considered Brother Zachariah’s words _. OH. Well then –_

“Well, alright,” Magnus conceded. “So it means exactly what it means. So, that being said, what does this saying have to do with me? With Alexander? With…us?”

Brother Zachariah fixed Magnus with a serious gaze. And then, Magnus felt a whole torrent of thoughts enter his head. His eyes widened.

_Have you ever heard of **The Curse of The Broken Hearted?**. It’s rare, but it affects those of the Nephilim race, and in particular, those who have found true love with a warlock. Alec is dying of a broken heart, Magnus. That’s the curse His heart is slowly refusing to battle for life, slowly surrendering, until the point of no return. Alec’s only reason to be alive, to keep his heart beating, which gives him the very will to live -- is **here**._

**It's – _YOU_. **

Magnus recoiled, as his eyes widened in disbelief. _Was this for real? And – wait, HE was the cause of this?_ But this was completely preposterous, IMPOSSIBLE. 

Wasn’t it?

_Magnus, we don’t have time to contemplate this. We’re already running out of time. The only one that can undo the curse and prevent it from killing him, it’s the one who owns his heart. You’re his only hope, Magnus._

Now Brother Zachariah’s voice was desperate and pleading. Magnus knew he spoke the truth. And yet, something in Magnus’s head still remained doubtful.

_Unconvinced._

“I-Is even that really a thing? Isn’t it just something people talk about? No one has ever seen that curse embodied – ever . I mean, I’ve heard of this, but even I thought it was something extremely rare and which could never affect anyone in this modern age.” 

Magnus was speaking very rapidly now, and even seemed to be talking to himself. 

“No,” magnus said more resoundingly. He was in denial. “This couldn’t possibly be that. You all must have read it all wrong. It’s just not possible –"

His hands continued to tremble as he spoke. 

_Magnus, listen_ , Brother Zachariah interjected, still taking on the tone of desperation.

_Tessa has done all the research. She, Catarina and Isabelle summoned the ghost of the warlock girl that cursed all the Nephilim. She was in love with a young Shadowhunter. When they were found out, and the Nephilims killed him, she cursed them to love only once in their lives, condemning the ones who loved fiercely and wholeheartedly as her man loved her, to die of a broken heart if that love were ever to be ripped from them. He loves you, Magnus, and this love will literally be the death of him -- if you don’t go back to him. Soon._

Brother Zachariah leaned forward to touch Magnus on the forearm. 

_Magnus, it is, it’s you that he needs. It's you that he wants. It's you that he loves_ , he thought. 

_Please, Magnus. Believe it,_ he thought desperately. He needed his friend to believe this. 

Magnus was shaking his head, his glamour down. His gold cat eyes were glistening, and lit afire with emotion. 

He continued to sob, his chin quivering. 

“It can’t be possible that I am the one who's he’s loving this deeply, Jem,” he said brokenly. “This can’t be…”

 _Yes, Magnus, you. Alec loves you_ , Brother Zachariah insisted. _He loves you so much that pushing him away from you has unbridled the curse. It’s you, Magnus. You have to accept it. He loves you and there is no possible excuse preventing you to go to him and save him. He has made a mistake Magnus. But he messed up out of inexperience, and youth. It wasn’t a matter of trust or love. His feelings for you were implicit, without question.”_

Brother Zachariah paused, to let the words sink in, and then he continued _. And as far as your situation with the Downworld, this should never have become an issue, old friend – for you to have to feel like you needed to give up your relationship for that --_

Magnus couldn’t stop the sobs as they racked his body. And now sounds were rushing past his ears as he realized the enormity of the situation. 

That he caused. 

His Alexander was _dying_. 

He stumbled, and Brother Zachariah stepped forward to catch him. He fell against Brother Zachariah. As he felt his arms go around him, caring and secure, Magnus fell bonelessly against him in grief. 

“What have I done, what have I done, Jem?” Magnus muttered, choking back sobs.

Brother Zachariah continued to hold Magnus securely, letting Magnus sob into his shoulder. 

_I know, I know, old friend. Magnus., you’ve never been loved this way before. I know it’s a lot to take in, but Alec loves you more than he loves his own life,_ he thought.

“And I’m killing him,” Magnus lamented, continuing to sob. Brother Zachariah felt heartbroken at seeing his old friend break down like this…

 _You didn’t know,_ Brother Zachariah thought gently. _And you still can undo it But we really need to go, Magnus. And you need to try to calm down. We need you coherent and ready…_

Magnus felt all out of sorts. 

And he had to admit -- he was afraid. Afraid of the backlash he would receive upon facing his friends, whom he had pointedly ignored after all this time…

“How, how can I even show up there, when they all know that is my fault? That I haven’t answered any of their calls? They must hate me…” Magnus whispered.

 _It’s not your fault,_ Brother Zachariah thought reassuringly. _Who even knew this curse would come into effect. As a result of loving someone, and being loved back? At this point, no one will care, Magnus. What matters is that you return, continuing to love Alec the way you do. That’s what they are concerned with, that you have the sole ability to break the curse._

"But I pushed him away --"

_You were hurt and tried to protect yourself the way you've always done, closing off. We all have our ways to cope with pain. And even if they hate you, that’s not what’s important right now. You'll have time to explain and amend later, and if they ever keep on hating you, Alec's love will be enough, believe me. The only thing that matters now is that we portal to the Institute and you get to see him, see if you can buy him some more time with your presence and your words, see if you can make his heart react and fight for a little longer, while you go to the Spiral Labyrinth and talk to the spirit. She asked for you. She will tell you, and only you, the way to break the curse._

“What if we’re too late? What if…?” Magnus couldn’t even bring himself to finish the sentence, lest the thought. 

He knew he was babbling right now, and hated it.

 _Don’t, Magnus. Don’t even think about that right now,_ Brother Zachariah thought, his tone taking on a sense of firmness and urgency. _You need to focus. The quicker we get there, the more of a chance Alec survives this. But we need to go, NOW. Please summon a portal for us._

_…Right._

Magnus stood up. Looking down at himself, he waved his hand around with a flourish –at once refreshing his own clothing, adjusting his hair and freshened his face with makeup. Much better. Then, with a flick of a wrist, a portal appeared. 

Inwardly, he still felt incredibly mixed, as various emotions battled it out. 

What was he feeling?

_Distraught? Sad? Hopeful? Scared? Desperate? Guilty?_

_All of these -- together?_

He closed his eyes, searching throughout the depths of his soul. 

Love. That’s what he felt most of all -- 

_LOVE_. 

Most of all, a love he did not want to live without.

His gold cat eyes blazing, he faced Brother Zachariah.

“Where to?” he inquired. 

_Straight into his room in the Infirmary,_ Brother Zachariah thought. _I will leave you alone with him, as i go out to talk with the others. Don’t worry, I won’t let anyone inside until you are ready to come out.”_

Magnus nodded. They both stepped into the portal.

******************

The infirmary room was dark, with only the light from the monitors displaying the slow, feebleness of Alec's heartbeat.

Next to this, lay Alec in the hospital bed. 

He was the palest that he had seen him – the sounds of his breath barely audible beneath the ventilator that was helping him to stay alive. He was clearly struggling, his chest rattling and shaking with effort with every breath – as if every breath would end up being his very last.

Oh, this was bad. So very bad…

Standing at the foot of his bed, Magnus brought one hand to his mouth to muffle the strangled sound that threatened to escape, as his sobs started anew once more.

“Oh my darling,” he said brokenly. “Oh, my Alexander…”

Cautiously, and with apprehension, Magnus slowly approached the head of the bed. 

"Alexander,” he murmured, his voice thick with tears, as he sunk down into the chair next to the bedside. He felt mentally drained and exhausted. His heart, however, was already bleeding, inside. 

He reached over to place a hand upon Alec's forehead, which was clammy with dried sweat, gently moving damp locks aside. 

Magnus’s tears continued to spill over his cheeks, falling onto his shirt.

Alec’s skin was cold, his veins standing out from his pale flesh. From what he could see of his face, his cheekbones were sharp and protruding against his sunken face.

His mind nearly reeled at the sight of him, refusing to believe that Alec had ended up in such a state.

"What did I do to you? What did you do to yourself? You really loved me, this much? Well, you've continued to surprise me -- you are nothing like anyone whom I've ever met. Oh, Alexander,” Magnus mumbled in between sobs. “I should have stayed by your side, we should have talked this out. Most of all, I should have noticed that something was wrong with you, that you were suffering from something.” 

He took a deep breath to compose himself. 

“You wouldn’t even be in this situation by now if I hadn’t been such an ass," Magnus sobbed, "And now...look how much time has passed. How much more time do we have left? Days? Hours? I should have looked past the hurt and the pain I was feeling. You have always been different, and I knew it from the very start, but for some reason when you lied my mind went blank and I couldn't think straight anymore. I am so so very sorry, Alexander…”

A change in the sound of the monitor made Magnus stop talking. He looked up. Was he imagining things? Or had the heartbeat on the monitor just change – _slightly_?

Despite his desperation, Magnus felt the slightest of hope start to emerge.

Perhaps Jem was right, he thought. It was up to him _. To keep going. To keep trying whatever he could, to turn this around…_

Hastily, Magnus wiped his tears with the back of his hand. Now he took Alec’s limp, cold hand in his, entwining their fingers together. He squeezed his hand gently, attempting to send as much love as he could through that one squeeze. 

"You can hear me, can't you?" Magnus murmured. His own breath caught in his own throat. It was hard for him to speak, as he knew he needed to make this count. 

"Alexander, it's me, darling. I’m _here._ Please, please, hang in there, don't leave me. I did it all wrong, but I am going to fix this, whatever it takes. Just please, please don't give up, fight. Fight for yourself, fight...for us, _please_. I love you, Alexander. So very much. _I never stopped loving you…_ "

The heart rate stuttered, randomly spiking, before it steadied again, now slightly more regular than before. But it was still so very weak…

Magnus leaned down a little bit more, his hand still firmly in his, while stroking his forehead gently with the other. He continued to murmur soft affirmations in that low, musical tone of voice.

He had no idea how much time passed as he did this. 

But all too soon, the door cracked open. Brother Zachariah was standing there, with medics behind him. He gave Magnus a curt nod. 

It was evident that Magnus had to leave the room for the moment.

He gently dipped down to give Alec a feathery kiss on the forehead. 

"I love you. Dont die on me, please. I will be back as soon as I can and we will save you, “Magnus whispered. “We can do this, together - but I need you to keep fighting. _Please._ "

He stood up, glancing at Alec one last time, the man that he loved, before he walked out of the room, allowing the medics to go in to check on Alec.

He walked out into the hallway.

Now standing before him was Isabelle, who was crying. Next to her, was Maryse – who never looked as frail and vulnerable as she did at that very moment.

A few feet away, in a corner, Robert was standing alone, his brows furrowed, with his eyes looking at the floor -- the portrait of pain and guilt.

Turning to his left, he found Jace staring at him, his eyes red rimmed with tears. Magnus steeled himself, ready to face up to any emotional rage or backlash from Alec's parabatai. However, Jace stepped closer to him, slowly.

"Thank you for coming," Jace whispered, "you're his only hope." His eyes were sincere and grateful. Magnus nodded, feeling a lump come into his throat. He was too emotional to respond in kind. 

"I know he broke your trust. But regardless, he loves you. So very much,” Isabelle said. She had come up to them during this exchange. Hearing the kind words from both siblings, Magnus felt his lower lip tremble. His throat felt extreme tight at the moment.

"I know. I am just sorry it took me this long to come,” Magnus choked out. “I'd give anything to be able to tell Alexander right now how sorry I am…"

He couldn’t continue, as he was shaking all over now.

Jace moved a little closer, putting his arm around his shoulder – as if to comfort him. 

Magnus looked up at him, surprised. 

Jace’s gaze remained empathetic. "You'll tell him when he wakes," he said gently.

Magnus blinked. Taking a deep breath, and feeling how the touch of Jace’s gesture had comforted him, he nodded. “Thank you,” he said, in barely an audible whisper.

“But I think we need to leave for now,” Jace continued, “And let the medics continue to monitor him. They will let us know when we can return. Anyway I could use a coffee, couldn’t you?” 

Around them, Isabelle and Maryse murmured in assent. 

“Come on, Magnus, we can go wait in Alec’s office. At least we will be more comfortable in there.” That came from Maryse, who was now standing next to Magnus. 

Actually, this was the closest she had ever stood next to the warlock. 

Magnus turned to meet her eyes. They were wrecked with grief.

“May I?” she asked, sniffling as she touched his arm gently. 

_OH_ …

Wordlessly, he took his arm and hooked in his, so their arms were linked together. 

Only the graveness of the situation kept Magnus from completely freaking out at this very notion – of him and Maryse Lightwood even being civil toward one another! 

Maryse then even managed a smile, albeit shaky. 

"Thank you for coming in his hour of need," Maryse said sincerely, her voice choking at the end. Her eyes were teary. 

And this made Magnus instinctively pat her hand, sympathetically.

Next to them, both Jace and Isabelle looked at one another, their expressions softening. They all shared a look. This is what Alec would have wanted, that look seemed to say.

“I’m going to stay here,” came Robert’s voice from a distance. They all turned to look at him. “I don’t feel like leaving, just yet,” he added. 

Robert did look worn out and miserable -- and worried about Alec.

No one responded to that. They just all stared, before Maryse gave Robert a stiff nod. Then the group turned and walked toward the exit of the Infirmary. 

As they reached the doorway, Brother Zachariah was there, gazing at the group -- but more focused upon Magnus.

Magnus turned to signal the group to stop momentarily, as he faced him.

 _Magnus, I wanted to again thank you for coming back with me_ , Brother Zachariah stated. _Why don’t you take a needed break to catch up with everyone. After that, we will need to portal to the Spiral Labyrinth to meet with Tessa, so she can get us both up to speed about things –_

“Yes, Brother Zachariah,” Magnus said solemnly. “Meet me in front of the Institute in say, half an hour? I’ll have a portal ready for us.”

 _Affirmative, old friend. See you then,_ Brother Zachariah stated.

Magnus then turned to Isabelle, Jace, and Maryse – with whom he was still linked with at the arm – and gave them all a smile. “Shall we?” he asked gallantly, gesturing toward the cafeteria. Maryse nodded. 

And onward they went.

…………………..

_An hour later_

The portal opened, with Magnus leading Brother Zachariah out into the vast area where the Spiral Labyrinth was located. And almost instantaneously, the huge arched glass doors of the Spiral Labyrinth materialized.

And the lovely Tessa, with her long wavy brown hair down around her shoulders and cascading down her back, was standing right in front, with a soft smile and even softer expression in her eyes.

“Magnus,” she breathed, taking Magnus into her arms and giving her old friend a huge hug. “We are so thankful that you came. Catarina is downstairs in the archives, waiting for you.”

Magnus returned the hug, his cheeks growing warm. He was partially happy, yet still partially abashed for not showing up sooner.

There _had been no excuse for that…_

“You can thank Jem for being so convincing,” he said quietly. “I’ll give you two a moment.” He smiled, then flicked his wrist, opening the glass doors. He walked in, leaving Brother Zachariah and Tessa standing there, looking at one another.

Tessa dipped her head demurely as she gazed at him from under her lashes. “Thank you so much, Jem,” she said softly. “I don’t know how this would have gone, without your help.”

 _Always, my beloved Tessa,_ Brother Zachariah responded, with a soft look in his eyes. _Always…_

They shared a meaningful look, full of history and many other things, that at the moment remained unsaid.

Then they both turned to walk through the Glass Doors into the Spiral Labyrinth together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 to come

**Author's Note:**

> We love kudos, but we especially love comments! Please spoil us! We love hearing from readers! This is a work in progress and we also appreciate insight and suggestions. Thanks for reading and we are so happy you are joining us :)


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